Should we move?

[Ribena]

Hello ladies

I’ve not posted for a while, but I am no longer living with him. We have two children, who live with me but he still sees them. I’m having flashbacks from incidents I’d even forgotten had happened and finding it hard to move on as I still have to see him for short times a few times a week. There is always a drama around him.

We live very close to each other, I thought this would be best for the children. However, due to a major incident with him a while ago after we had moved apart, I made the decision to sell up and move back to my home area for some family and old friend support. I made the decision when the police were standing on the driveway (detail removed by Moderator) that that was it. No more. I have zero support where we currently are. Since that incident he has been trying hard. The thing is, my close family who I am moving closer to are unsupportive bordering on angry about the move. I will lose money in my house sale – this appears to be the reason they are upset. I will also be moving closer to extended family and old, always there friends, who couldn’t be more supportive. I’m going to have to move my kids out of school, one of who does not deal at all well with change.

Am I doing the right thing moving the children quite some distance from their father? I guess I need some neutral advice please.

Thank you, and sorry if I’ve rambled.

[Lightness]

Hi Ribena

I can’t tell you what is right, however here are some things I have learned from my situation:
-it is very difficult to make decisions at this time because 1. abusers reduce our decision making ability by taking control from us and making us doubt ourselves; 2. given what you have and are going through (PTSD, processing grief) it is hard to make decisions.
-at this time it is important to have as much support as possible from those who are genuinely supportive. I believe this is very important.
-you need to make the decision that is best for YOU. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks (except your children of course)
-I would imagine that your children will do best wherever you are feeling supported and safe.

Only you know.

Lx

[KIP.]

My advice to you having been with an abuser and still dealing with the fallout would be to get as far away from him as possible. As soon as possible. The less you see of him the quicker you will heal. The less contact with his children, the less dysfunction they are exposed to. Just my opinion. Also, I would go to where i would get the most support. Would it be possible to rent your house out to someone until the market picks up and use some of this money to rent a small place near your family? Nothing will change. The cycle of abuse. The nasty incidents then the ‘trying harder’. Save yourself and your sanity. Children will adjust especially when they have a happy healthy fun mum again. Just my opinion x

[Lightness]

Good advice from KIP, Ribena. No contact is a big healer and without it you continue to be prey, and continue to be worn down by the abuser Lx

[Ribena]

Thank you both, I hugely appreciate your replies. I know what I have to do. I used to be so intuitive and would rely heavily on my intuition before I met him. When he had his first outburst and smashed his fist through the lounge wall a few months into our relationship many years ago, I foolishly ignored my gut instinct to run for the hills and not look back. It has only been recently I’ve felt the power of it again and I know I have to do what is right for me. Happy mum = happy kids, right?! Thank you for reiterating it lovely ladies xx

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