Signs it’s starting up again after a little break

[Sad and alone]

So I had a family member come to stay and although I was worried it was a nice enough time. One or two little blips. One time I said to them “(removed by moderator)” and “(removed by moderator)”. Little things. We went out and were waiting for him, I hate being late and he knows it but always says it doesn’t matter. I recognised more controlling behaviour as we were in the car waiting to go and he started doing something else. I said I thought he was trying to wind me up and my family member said it was winding them up too. I wonder how much they really see or think about it. Or if they just think he’s alright.
Today was a hard day, doing something with the animals that is always hard. It’s upsetting but part of what we have to deal with. And on the drive home he started going on about an incident in the past, about how I had to start thinking about things and how I don’t put anything forward. What he was saying about the past incident was untrue yet I made myself be quiet and not try to argue my side as you can’t win. I did say please, I don’t need this right now, though, which did the job and he shouted so loudly in the car. Which upset me even more. I shouldn’t be shouted at like that, least of all by my husband. He should be supportive and understanding but instead he’s criticising me. I knew I should’ve just been quiet but sometimes I can’t. When I am he accuses me of not listening to him. Now I just try and say I agree with him and I’ll try and do better or change. Whatever he wants to hear basically, which isn’t what I think at all.
Just sad at having a difficult day and then being shouted at. Stupid I know. He says he’s really trying with me but I can sense shifts in his moods where he’s annoyed by something and is off with me.
Sorry for the long and pointless post. Just venting I guess.

[Lisa]

Hi Sad and alone,

It’s understandable that you are reaching out here, and having a ‘vent’. This is what the forum is for, so don’t ever feel the need to apologise.

You are absolutely right; the way he shouts and criticises you over nothing and everything, is absolutely unacceptable. This kind of controlling behaviour would make anyone struggle with anxiety. Having to find ways of managing such cyclic abuse will add further distress for you and it is not your responsibility to placate him.

You may already be aware, but please do reach out to your local domestic abuse service. They can offer both emotional and practical help if ever needed. They are a free service as well, so use them as you need. It takes a lot of your mental/emotional energy, trying to appease and cope with this behaviour. I hope you can focus this energy more on yourself and what you feel you need at this point.

Take good care and keep posting to let us know how you are,

Lisa

[Sad and alone]

It’s not the first time he’s been like this at difficult moments. I just don’t understand what goes on in his head, it just feels like he doesn’t care. I struggle to believe he’s doing it on purpose but he is making the choice to shout at me and bring up things from the past.

He keeps saying he’s really trying with me. That he’s trying to walk away from me if I’m winding him up or not say things he wants to but just knowing that is horrible as well.

Again when things seem kind of normal, all of a sudden he’s in a bad mood and I don’t know why. In my mind so much has happened that we need to rebuild from this point to just being able to get along, have cuddles, non intimate affection as it were. He says there’s no intimacy and that’s the problem and how I rejected him all the time (untrue) and it’s had an effect on him mentally. I said I know about being affected mentally as it doesn’t make sense in my mind how someone shouts at you and then you go and have sex when you feel so much hate from them. I don’t get it. He just said he wasn’t going to talk about it as it would lead to an argument and I’d just say he was abusing me. I do use that word with him to try and make him see how the extent of his actions but he just brushes it off like I’m making a fuss.

I am tired of this cycle. Of feeling like things are kind of okay and then all of a sudden they’re definitely not okay. He says to me things like I’m lucky to have him, how no one else would do the things he does (because he does help me out with things and does a lot around our place that needs doing), and everyone else is a moron.

I’d like to reach out to local help but just don’t know how I can do it without him knowing. I can’t even order the books recommended here as he might open the mail or find them. I’m trying to keep a diary and that feels risky enough. Not that I’m writing much as again I can’t find the right time.

[Hereforhelp]

Hi, your partner is choosing not to accept responsibility for his abusive behaviours…the sex on his terms and how you saying no to sex affects him mentally is what my ex husband would say..it’s sexual coercion and makes him feel power over you/your body.. you cannot help him.as it has to be from him to receive any form of he’ll as this is on him.

“What he was saying about the past incident was untrue yet I made myself be quiet and not try to argue my side as you can’t win”

He has changed the narrative to suit himself for his own needs, abusers like to win…

You are brave to reach out on here and I am sorry he is treating you this way but it isn’t your responsibility, he is a grown adult.

“Now I just try and say I agree with him and I’ll try and do better or change”

It’s not for you to do better or change as him shouting ypi down is a form of power/control…he is bullying you to submit…be true to yourself.. to try and change who you are to make life a little easier will have an impact on your health.

Also him saying that he is really trying with you…I am wondering what he means.. do you feel the shift in his behaviours? Has he changed or is he just saying words? His actions are the loudest reading your post which doesn’t read like he has made any effort other than words.

Keep reaching out, you are brave to speak out on here and no judgements on this forum lovely

Keep posting
HFH ❤️

[Sad and alone]

It happened again (detail removed by Moderator). Things feel semi-okay, then all of a sudden I get this bad mood vibe off him. I try and ignore it and just be “normal” but it doesn’t change. I went to bed and then he came down and started saying how all we do is sit and watch tv and I should be saying let’s go and fool around. Saying how when he was out for a drink so and so said they were going home to be intimate with their wife and how he hasn’t got that. I said again why doesn’t he get it, brought up what had happened earlier in the week when at a very difficult time he chose to criticise and yell at me instead of comfort me, why does he think I want to be intimate with someone treating me like that? (detail removed by Moderator) and he just shouts no, and tells me what has to happen is I have to change. For the first time I questioned whether I’ll be able to leave. I don’t understand why he says he’s so unhappy yet won’t call it a day. He picked up (detail removed by Moderator) and threw it down and I started having a panic attack. The second time it’s happened. It was horrible, I just started crying badly and then I was breathing so fast I had to talk myself down almost to stop. This reads so dramatic… I can’t believe it really. I sometimes think I must be over-reacting or being unfair and a horrible person, but then other times I don’t think I am.
I’ve emailed my local DA people. I didn’t know what to say really so will just wait and see what comes back.

[Author]

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