- This topic has 10 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 2 years, 2 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
Good morning sisters,
It might be a tough pill to swallow, but I thought of listing here from my experience how I realised I was in an emotionally abusive relationship, in case it might help.
I know there are a lot of articles about it, but, when you keep telling yourself you love your partner, you tend to forget about the red flags and ‘slip them under the carpet’ thinking that maybe it was your fault for those or try to find a motivation for your partner’s behaviour (tough day at work, stress, etc).
If you are doing this, stop! You don’t deserve this and nobody should try to find excuses for emotional abuse.
I will start with the familial background:
-my mom allowed herself to depend financially on my father,which was a huge mistake. He was and us always mocking her, cheating on her and complaining about her.
When asked why she stayed, she said (detail removed by moderator). As a result, all of us, their children, developed traumas and my mom became a vegetable emotionally, hence physically.
Some even copied my father’s behaviour and perpetrated as this is what they saw and thought it was ‘normal’.
I know there are sisters who think of their children and staying in such tormenting relationships for the sake of their offsprings. It is not my place to give advice, but I can write it on the part of the child who grew up in such environment: it’s better to grow up with one parent than to develop traumas because of it.
I swore to myself I would never have a relationship like that, but life has a funny, twisted way of giving you lessons, sometimes.
There are emotionally abusive people who are telling you exactly what you want to hear just to attract you in their trap-like carnivorous plants, luring their pray with sugary liquid.
Then, it begins.
I will list below some of the red flags I went through:
-trying to control my finances
-mocking me in front of his friends
-always criticising me
-always acting as if his job is the most stressing and important and as if he’s the ine paying for everything
-always trying to find excuses for toxic behaviour
-starting a fight then blame it on me (eg: my hormones are raging as I’m a woman and that time of the month is close)
-controlling every step I take
-trying to get me isolated from anybody else (eg: he’s the only person that actually cares what happens to me (detail removed by moderator) and anything else I wouild like to do
-hitting on girls with me beside him
-always taking his phone with him, everywhere, just in case
-always trying to diminish me (it’s your fault for this and that, (detail removed by moderator) etc)
-giving compliments to others but not to me
-huge mismatch between words and actions (saying I love you, but the actions are contrary to the words) – always check the actions.
-if I would start a hobby, he would try to convince me I’m not good at that (detail removed by moderator)
-always repeating words/gestures he knows I don’t like even after telling him that a thousand times
-always blaming me for cheating or try cheating even though he knows every step of what I’m doing (it varies, (detail removed by moderator)
-threats
-always promising he would change, which never happens.
-blaming me for self destructive behavior
-playing the victim
-also, starting fights when he knew I was feeling sick or very tired because he knew I couldn’t fight back as much
-always letting me find solutions (eg: to make the relationship work)
-not having physical connection (detail removed by moderator) but saying he was having plenty with his ex
-comparing me with exes
-(detail removed by moderator)
-proving me I can’t rely on him, but his friends can always do
-calling me names, implying I am stupid, etc.
-if confronted about things, he would deny it
-saying(detail removed by moderator) but it got to threats.
-treating me like an object and like a slave
-very self centered
-playing the victim while being the abusor.
These are some of them, if I remember others, I will come back and continue the list.
Once again, nobody deserves to put up with such behavior which leaves you traumatised, depressed, anxious and not only.
Stop hoping things would change, I tried, I was there, things don’t change because the other doesn’t see anything wrong in his behaviour.
It might get better for a short while and get you fooled, but things will get back to their ‘normality’ and you don’t deserve thinking everyday when it will get worse again.
Stop hoping things will get better, the only consequence is that you will get worse
Stop denying red flags, mind them and take action.
Stop trying to make excuses for toxic behaviour. Yeah, he might get stressed, but you also are. He might work hard, but so you do.
He might tell you you make him a better person in trying to make you feel special, but what about you? You make him be/feel better while you are getting worse?
It got to threats gradually and I would have never believed it would go there, so, once again, take action. Who knows what the next step might have been if I wouldn’t have managed to escape.
I know there’s a lot to take in and it migght be harder than you think to acknowledge, but, please, please, if you recognise the signs, don’t stay there. Leave before it might get worse.
Never allow yourself to depend financially on your partner, always put some money aside for emergency situations-without him knowing-you may need it more than you think.
Never allow somebody else making you feel like you’re not enough, so shake it and be your beautiful self on your own.
Don’t be afraid to be alone again, it’s way better than being in a toxic relationship. And, hey, nobody said you’ll be alone forever, no matter the age.
I know it’s hard, I was there and, emotionally, I still am. Do what you know it’s best for you and what you know will make you thrive, not wither.
I may have repeated some things, but you get the idea, you’re smart sisters.Hope this helps, even for a bit.
Thanks
-
Great post and spot on!! I can relate to so many things on your list, here a few of mine:-
– criticism like you can’t cook, can’t drive, can’t mow the lawn etc but leaves all these tasks to me.
– his job was more important or stressful despite me being main breadwinner
– childcare responsibilities fully on me
– paid bare minimum in bills, always forgot his wallet in the supermarket or when out leaving me to pay
– borrowing money or making me buy on the promise he’d repay and never would in full
– forgetting birthdays and/or minimising the children’s as not important
– bad/excessive driving to scare
– starting arguments before/during holidays and days out
– ignoring me when out in public but being larger than life to everyone around
– doing things he knows you dislike or have asked him not to, getting his mates or (detail removed by moderator) to do them too
– future faking, promises around going travelling (detail removed by moderator) event etc then finding out he’s promised the exact same thing to his mate
– playing the victim when losing, saying he’s (detail removed by moderator) but being absolutely fine an hour later
– phone/technology is his and not to be used by anyone else, but mine or kids is free for all (detail removed by moderator)
– belittling women, saying things (detail removed by moderator)
– cheating and spinning onto being your fault somehow or you’re in the wrong for finding out
– telling me I was no good at something like a new hobby, criticising anyone I was doing the thing with and/or letting me down last minute to ensure I couldn’t go to a catch up
– threats and intimidation, obvious ones like pushing or shouting in your face but also things like slamming doors, huffing, sneers, whistling/singing loudly, controlling tv
– having no real friends his age, like no contacts from school, (detail removed by moderator), the friends he does have are super compliant with his wants and (detail removed by moderator).Gosh, there’s so many x
-
@Bananaboat,thanks for sharing with me.
I know it’s a lot, but it takes strength to admit it and take the steps towards recovery. It may not seem, at first, but it really is.
Seeing the signs and sharing them will definitely be of help, so continue sharing your experiences and red flags.
Also, I know as I see it in myself, that some of us continue blaming ourselves for staying but, please, don’t do that, we are not the issue.
I recognize also, through what you wrote, typical behaviour, such as the women are below men, therefore they deserve degrading behavior. Wrong!
I recognize playing the victim and belittling and, indeed, you are right, there is so much more.
Once again, I really appreciate it you sharing. Keep doing this as a form of self therapy but also to help the other sisters. I will do the same.Lots of love.
-
Wow. Im feeling rotten today after months of calm he started again (detail removed by moderator) just when i dont need it when my head is in such a mess he adds to it. I was starting to doubt my reaskns for being here i thought maybe he had changed.
Pretty much everything you said i can relate to and I can add more.
Still I cant say it still I cant leave. I dont know how.
One day I hope i can write such an amazing post as this one. Xxxxx -
@nbumblebee, stop putting yourself down and start thinking of yourself.
I am sure you have your reasons for staying, but start prioritising yourself and think: is this the life you want to have? Do you feel good in this relationship? When was the last time you laughed and enjoyed life?
It is only up to you.Lots of love.
-
-
The most subtle merest signs that I suspected early on but was confused and in-love so I stayed longer. By themselves each is not a big deal but added up, over time, points to an unpleasant person. I kept a diary because it seemed all so weird. Also I could later see the games he was playing with each item here:
1. Talking about how popular he is/was with women. He (detail removed by moderator) he said.
2. Little gifts he bought me were that, very little. At first I was just pleased to have them but – the first was (detail removed by moderator) (not very romantic!), followed (detail removed by moderator) but he made such a deal about how he loved to buy me things, then told me the (detail removed by moderator)
3. (detail removed by moderator)
4. We had a row and I burst into tears and he started to molest me down below saying (detail removed by moderator).
5. He said that (detail removed by moderator)
6. Kept saying that he was (detail removed by moderator)
7. Offering me money for sex as a sex game (detail removed by moderator)
8. Telling me(detail removed by moderator)
9. This is really uncomfortable: treating me like a child during sex by saying (detail removed by moderator) etc etc I won’t go into it further but it felt sinister and I froze and stopped. He tried a couple of times further then gave it up.
10. Taking over anything non-womanish tasks like (detail removed by moderator) he would almost shove me out of the way, in my own house!And mansplaining everything to me when I know more than him.These aren’t necessarily abusive per se but add up to show his underlying attitudes and values but often confused me as he was so loving and caring most of the time.
When these threads drew together, I could see I had potentially a monster on my hands. He even said (detail removed by moderator). Why would he say that?!!!!
Now over and gone.
-
-
It’s amazing the things we can let go on their own, but eventually builds up over time and your gut was right all along, those things that made me uncomfortable weren’t ok.
Like when he wanted to be intimate in public places and I didn’t want to or resisted for as long as I could. He would break me down by saying (detail removed by moderator).
He’s depressed and says to me (detail removed by moderator).
He felt that I didn’t love him first, that’s why he stopped showing me he loved me.
I didn’t support him enough, despite prioritising him and kids and doing nothing for myself.
Telling him how exhausted and worn out I was from all the responsibilities that I was shouldering on my own and he took it as an attack on him rather than hear what I was actually saying.
Dismissing sending sexually inappropriate texts to another woman (detail removed by moderator)! I was overreacting apparently.
Not telling me he wasn’t coming home after going out, cause (detail removed by moderator).
Telling me (detail removed by moderator)
Hiding my carkeys
Not supporting me with sick family member
I could go one. I won’t for now.Such a useful post for anyone
-
@AllAdrift, many thanks for sharing with me.
Just like you, I thought they were small things and tended to ignore them until they kept piling on and led to overburn, unhappiness, depression and anxiety.
It takes a while to figure out and to actually see the reality of what’s happening, so I’m really, really glad you got there.
Also, I’m really glad you had the strength to finish it.Lots of love.
-
@Searchingforhope, many thanks for sharing with me.
You are right, the instinct is telling us the truth,it’s just that sometimes we want either try making things right or we tend not to listen to it because we’re too ever powered by what’s happening.
I am glad you found the strength of writing them here and I want to share with you what an acquaintance said at some point: there is no one that can be more powerful in this world than a mom.Lots of love.
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
