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    • #167713

      I’m sat in bed crying so much but trying to keep quiet so I don’t wake him.
      I’m scared to leave our dog in the room with him because he’s violent and angry tonight.
      But I’m scared to wake him by crying because I don’t want to be shouted at and have things hit / broken.
      I’m so tired.
      I’ve had really long days and I really wanted a peaceful one.
      I can’t fall asleep I’m too scared. He’s had a drink and when he drinks he’s unpredictable and lashes out even when asleep. So I just sit up and protect our dog all night.
      Somehow it’s all my fault every time.
      He can’t have difficult conversations without a drink. But he has a drink and says / does vile things he can’t even remember and I feel like I’m going mad.
      He will pretend like everything is normal in the morning and if I feel brave I will say you did / said this. But he will then accuse me of giving him a hard time. He never holds himself accountable.
      I have to get away.
      I read a post tonight about tightness in your chest. I live with constant tightness in my chest. My actions are day to day are completely driven by fear. You might mistake it for love on a good day. But no, I’m in survival mode and it becomes startlingly clear at times like this.
      He’s vile to me.
      This is nasty but he’s just a big bully. A big selfish bully.
      He says he’s a real man and he’s the boss. If I ever try to stand up for myself he accuses me of forgetting myself and tells me I won’t do that again.
      I think mate, I’m remembered myself and you’re not a man you conduct yourself worse than a child. You’re embarrassing.
      I think these things in my head and they’re mean but I have to remember them and use them to fuel my anger and strength to get away.
      How dare he treat anyone this way. He’s done it his whole life. Not this time.

    • #167715

      Feel for you – that sounds so scary.
      I was scared the night I called for help. It took for that chest tightness to be there for a seriously
      Long time and to be sitting trembling waiting for the shooting to stop. It didn’t stop and finally I just cracked and made the call. I’m so relieved.
      When you’re ready you will make that call too. x

      • #167723

        Thank you for replying it makes me feel less alone x I am so alone where I am makes it feels so much more scary. I know if I was near my family it wouldn’t have escalated this way. I could move my mum in and she wouldn’t leave until I was safe. I think he knows that.
        This morning he’s not said a word, he’s been moody, and I’ve been quiet and he’s gone (detail removed by Moderator). Always wants a fight.

      • #167733

        My parents lived so close we could almost touch but it didn’t stop him or make it any easier for me to reach out. So please don’t let that stop you for asking for help. Your mum would want to know you need her xx

      • #167735

        I just don’t want to worry her or cause her unnecessary stress when she’s too far away to help. I think being in a relationship like that just makes you feel a burden to everyone. You’re conditioned that way. Always in sorry mode x

    • #167724

      @ocean20 , it breaks my heart to hear of how you feeling and what you are going through. I am so terribly sorry you are dealing with such c**p . You deserve nothing but kindness which is something you are not obviously getting by being around this person. Is there any way you could get some medication from your doctor to help you get through this say until you feel up to leaving or whatever your wish would be . You don’t deserve this at all . I hope you can find a way out of this c**p because you deserve so much better. Please take care of yourself and keep safe . Sending lots of love ❤️

      • #167737

        Thank you for replying and your support x I have never tried going to the doctors for help. The last time I went for an injury I was asked prying questions about my situation at home and I just lied. When I broke down I just said it was because I was stressed at work. They probably knew.
        I always worry if you tell the doctor they will go to the police or you could be penalised for it in other ways I don’t know. It’s a scary thought. I’m just scared of everything.
        I do need to get away and I want to. I just need to plan it and do it all safely so I can disappear. He terrifies me.

    • #167748

      @ocean. Let your planning keep you going when you’re feeling anxious. My planning in my head lasted a year or so and it has really helped.
      It took a third party to help in the end and it so is the best thing. When you’re right in it you can’t think of anything else. Deep down you’re braver than you know and your time will come x

      • #167828

        It was keeping me going I know what you mean. Like a little secret weapon. Then things got really out of hand and I had to call the police. Now it’s all happening too fast and I’m alone and scared. X

    • #167753

      I do this too and in my car. My car is my safe place to sit and just cry. We hold it in play happy all the time sometimes its good to just let it out.
      Im right here with you.
      Hypocritically i would say tell your mum. I sort of did I told her he was being an arse and could i stay for a few days she took it well we dont have a good relationahip at all i left home at (detail removed by Moderator) but still she offered me a bed. I never left he swept me back in and now im stuck. What Im trying to say is tell her she may reapond better than you think us mums do you know you would if your child came to you wouldnt you? You dont have to do this alone sweetie xxxx

      • #167829

        I’m so sorry you’re still stuck. I do really want to tell my mum but I know that’s the point of no return for us. And that breaks me because I love him so so much. But I can’t fix him.
        I don’t think he will ever get better.
        My family are limited on resources / money. I don’t know how they would help from so far away. It always seems so complicated doesn’t it.
        I’ll have to completely uproot my life all over again. If money was no option I would sort it in a heartbeat.

    • #167832

      Please dont worry about the money @ocean20 I know it’s one of the things that keeps us anchored and yes, you may go through a period of financial stress which can be really tough. Lots of us have experienced financial hardship – food banks etc but personally, I can say it was worth it for my safety and freedom.

      You will probably find your are tougher than you realise (when he isn’t around making you constantly fearful).

      If you have already called the police, you may need to leave sooner rather than later. Do you have an emergency bag ready?

      Please do consider telling your mother. If you are close she will want to help and support you, even if it’s by putting you up on the couch. I understand that you want to protect her from the worry. I wanted to protect my Dad and various other people, including my abusive partner. Then my counsellor pointed out “There’s alot of protection going on. Who’s protecting you?” It made me stop and reconsider my position.

      It’s time to take care of you now.

      • #167835

        Your reply has actually made me burst into tears because it’s so so true. No one is protecting me. I am worrying about everyone else (even HIM!) and he’s threatened to kill me and got physical now. He scares the life out of me. I am so tired.
        I started packing an emergency bag but I got too scared about him breaking in the house and not being near a door to get away. Or not being close to the dog to protect him. I planned to do it when he left for the day but he hasn’t as yet. I will get essentials and my work / all my paperwork and go.
        I worry about the house (it’s mine not his) and him trashing it. But it’s just things isn’t it. He’s already ruined every room in the house.
        Honestly thank you so much x
        I will tell my family when I have some breathing space from him and when I know I can get away.
        The police wasn’t ideal it’s heightened everything now. X

    • #167917

      Yes, it is just things but sadly that wont stop you worrying. Non of this is fair, it never is with an abuser.

      Once you are safe you can apply for an occupation order and get him out of the house. You could even apply now.

      I read that you can apply for a no notice order and have him out of the house in 24 hours if you are considered to be at risk of harm. If you do this, definately go to your Mum’s whilst it all procesesses and perhaps also apply for a non-mol order.

      You can apply for both through the government website for free but you may be charged for actually serving the orders.

      You can take your power back but the process might feel very scary for you – or any survivor of abuse. Maybe have a think about it. Big hugs. xx

    • #167944

      Thank you so much that’s such useful information x the police gave me some but it was all a bit of a blur.
      I will save it thank you and use it when I need x*x

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