This topic contains 11 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  Buddy 1 week, 3 days ago.

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  • #115230
     Buddy 
    Participant

    Hi all, not a long one tonight but since I asked hubby about lack of intamicy and he turned it into an argument calling me makes, ( I was trying to open up a conversation , so in my eyes done nothing wrong)
    He is not looking at me , talking to me .. I haven’t done anything .. baring in mind I am not talking to him either but I haven’t done anything it his place to apologise ..
    maybe something small but it’s driving me insane xx

  • #115233
     gettingtired 
    Participant

    I can’t broach the subject of lack of intimacy either. He just gets all stroppy making out I’m making him feel bad and pathetic that he doesnt ever really want to do it. I dont think it’s unreasonable to be able to speak to your partner about it. without them behaving this way! x

  • #115235
     Buddy 
    Participant

    Hi gettingtired,
    Is it an ego thing ? He shouted at me saying why would I want to have sex with you .. you moan and winge all the time .
    I do not moan all the time .. I am more positive than him .. I am sick of him defining who I am .
    He set that seed in my head now and I am questioning if I do moan .. this is what they do to u !
    Tbh .. I don’t really want to be intimate withim , I dislike him currently , but was thinking it may help things between us , I thought maybe he was moody etc as wasn’t havi g sex .. obviously my bad for bringing it up .
    What u think the reason is your hubby isn’t interested .. it’s a form of control sometimes x

    • #115280
       gettingtired 
      Participant

      Hi @buddy, what an awful thing to say to you! Like you I am sick of him defining me!
      I’m also in the same boat as you with trying to detach myself to make it less painful when I do hopefully have the strength to leave. I also wish I didnt I feel anything for him. Have you googled trauma bonding yet? That’s my problem.
      I’ve no idea why my boyfriend doesnt really ever want intimacy. He usually just says he gets anxious about it or just totally doesnt feel like it. It’s exhausting trying to figure them out isnt ot? Xx

  • #115250
     KIP. 
    Participant

    It’s just another form of abuse. Mind games. When you want something it gives him the power to deny and hurt you which is what he enjoys. Now ignoring you is gaslighting. It makes you think you’ve don’t something wrong because why would someone ignore and punish you if you had done nothing wrong? It’s crazy making behaviour designed to throw you off balance and come running with an apology for something you never did. It’s a power trip for him. Makes him feel great but destroys our inner soul. To be rejected at our most vulnerable shatters our confidence. He knows exactly what he’s doing. He’s had years of practice.

  • #115255
     Buddy 
    Participant

    Hi kip .. I know you are so right about this , as I know for a fact I have done nothing wrong , I guessed he was gaslighting next .. what a weird way to treat someone you are supposed to love , the mother of your children .
    I agree with everything you say .. I thought it and so happy you have confirmed it x

  • #115256
     Buddy 
    Participant

    I am onto him , if only he knew , it must be killing him I am not trying to make up !!
    What do u do in these situations ?
    Give silent treatment back ? Xx

  • #115258
     KIP. 
    Participant

    You carry on with your own life. Building a better one somewhere where you aren’t abused x don’t turn it into a t*t for tat game because he will always win. Get in with your own life. Make new friends, take up new hobbies and build your confidence and self esteem to a point where you truly believe you’re worth more than this. Don’t be dragged into his games. Step back from the crazy

  • #115267
     Buddy 
    Participant

    Kip , I already do this, own life etc .. I am quite confident , not ready to take the leap I admit .. detaching myself to make it less painful when the time comes . Would love to get to the point where I hate him but not there yet .
    What’s holding me back is needing to stay in the area I live as children’s school / life my work is here and it’s too expensive for me to buy and rent ..
    also as the children have their life here I am worried if I move to a cheaper area they may not want to come , especially my son as he is old enough to decide x

  • #115268
     KIP. 
    Participant

    There’s a fine balance between exposing you all to an abuser and the dysfunction this brings and staying for the reasons you describe. One day the balance will tip in your head and nothing will stop you. The longer you stay the more damage is done to you all and the longer it will take to recover. I know only too well this dilemma and I can tell you I stayed for my son and to keep my family together and my son and myself were very badly affected and my ex was able to abuse him too and get him on his side. You’re in a strong position. I had no idea I was being abused and the damage that abuse causes but when I discovered this, and that he was deliberately out to destroy me and my son, there was no stopping me. Get all your ducks in a row. Speak to a solicitor about your entitlement. Maybe you can stay in the home until the kids are older with maintenance from your husband. Look at all the different possibilities and weigh up the real cost of staying x

  • #115270
     Buddy 
    Participant

    Thanks kip , you wouldn’t believe how much strength your messages are giving me !
    I am speaking to a solicitor Thursday .. so hopefully be more informed ..
    thank u again ❤️

  • #115305
     Buddy 
    Participant

    Gettingtired, sorry only now I have seen your message .
    Yes, detaching is the way forward for me , difficult when still living with each other though .
    I often wonder what on Earth I have done to him for him to be so horrible to me .. he must have resentment , I think he is jealous as I am popular and well liked and have a good social life .. he doesn’t .. I think this eats him up and that’s when this side comes out . Tbh I am sick of analysing it all , it is what it is .. I am looking g after my mental health as sometimes I feel like I am going mad and I self destruct with alcohol ..
    you should look after yourself too and put yourself first , never mind him xx

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