Silent treatment again

[Mime]

So I’ve upset him by saying the wrong thing, and true to form he’s now doing the silent treatment. He’s shut himself in the bedroom and won’t come out and won’t talk to me.

This is usual for him and he’ll keep it up for days until I can’t take it anymore and then I’ll cry and beg for forgiveness, but I don’t want to because I don’t actually think I’ve done anything wrong – what I said wasn’t so bad, when I think about it.

I’ve gone out with our child because the atmosphere in the house is awful, and I’m so anxious, I can’t stop shaking when I’m near him and then he gets angry about that too.

He’ll probably be angry that I’ve gone out. How do I manage this ? I find the silent treatment so hard to cope with.

[KIP.]

He knows the silent treatment works. When it doesn’t he will find something more horrible for you. He enjoys abusing you. It will get worse. Talk to your local women’s aid x

[Mime]

Thanks for responding Kip. He’s still not talking to me and I find it so hard… he’ll probably keep this up for days and days, and so far I’m not reacting, which is new for me – usually by now I’d be saying sorry, trying to make up (although he wouldn’t) I’m scared of what he’ll do if he doesn’t get the reaction he’s used to.

I’ve been in abusive relationships before, and violent ones, but this is a new level of crazy making – I’ve never felt so close to breaking – whatever that means. I have a sense that I’m losing my mind and having some sort of breakdown – I don’t know how to cope with the way he is towards me and the anxiety I feel around him. Xx

[Grey Rock]

I used to find the silent treatment one of the hardest things to cope with too. It used to make me feel physically sick with worry until I’d accept pretty much anything to bring it to an end.

The thing is they’re not upset. This is punishing behaviour and controlling behaviour. Not sad / upset behaviour. And you don’t need to be controlled or punished. You are a grown woman. Intelligent and caring. You deserve better, like all of us do xx

[Anonymous]

Hello Mime , it was good to hear you managed to get out of the house for a while . I’m sorry to hear this is happening to you. You don’t deserve this no one does. Kip is right taking to womens aid is very good advice. I think these situations make us feel just what you are describing its just awful how they make us feel. I am in a similar situation to yourself and I’ve spoken to womens aid before over the phone they are very very supportive. Would your GP be of any help to you ? I’ve self referred for counselling to help me get that little bit stronger. I dont know if this would be any help to you . Have you any family or friends who are supportive? I hope you can get some support from somewhere to help you through this very hard time . Please be kind to yourself and take care. Best wishes Stargazing

[Anonymous]

It’s hard to know what to do when we are in these situations. I think a lot of us on the forum have these things in common. My other half is too mouthy to do silent treatment so I have not really experienced that but I just think whatever their tactic is they punish us anyway. I just hope you get through tonight OK. God bless you . Please keep posting we all need to look out for one another. Take care . Best wishes

[Lavenderrose]

My ex did this and it was awful. I totally get the feeling of breaking point. I honestly didn’t know how to be just me anymore in fear constantly of upsetting him. I got out but like you we have a child and although I am 100% better within myself he still gets to me.
Really hope things improve for you x

[Secretlife]

Hello Mime

I am so sorry to hear things are so tough for you. I can relate entirely to your post. Giving me the silence treatment because I have said or done something he doesn’t like is my husband’s speciality. I have spent years apologising, sometimes not even realising exactly what it is I’ve supposedly said or done just to end the silence treatment. It is emotional torture,and he knows it! It makes me feel utterly miserable and usually ends when I completely crumble and break down or when I explode with anger and frustration, and I am then accused of abusing him!

But, since joining this forum, my world has changed. I have learned a lot from reading others’ posts, watching YouTube videos recommended by the ladies on here, and most importantly I have read the book ‘why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft (which can be downloaded for free). This book changed everything for me. It explains in detail why our abusers choose to behave like they do towards us. This knowledge has enabled me to adopt a different mindset which helps me cope and I no longer crumble or get angry, there is no point. I still struggle at times, and have bad days, but things feel so different and I feel stronger within myself. He still gives me the silent treatment, but he seems to give up when I don’t react like I used to. I’m sure as time goes on he’ll find some other tactic to get to me, but I’d like to thing my newly found coat of armour will continue to help me. I have said before in my posts, and this makes me smile to myself, this forum is my secret weapon! I do plan to leave ultimately, I have accepted he will never change and I will not continue to live a miserable life with him.

I really hope my little bit of advice helps you here. Sending you a hug 🤗 xx

[Mime]

Thank you all so much for your replies- stargazing, secret life, kip, lavenderrose, grey rock. I read them all several times over – it keeps me grounded and helps me know (for the first time) I’m not alone. I love this forum – I’ve never felt so much kindness and acceptance before, and it’s quite overwhelming (in a good way).

So its been a while now (can’t say how long because it’ll be deleted I think). For the first time ever I’ve not broken down and sobbed / begged forgiveness – I don’t have it in me this time round.

Well he’s not used to this, and he’s upped the anti – he’s been nasty, cruel, disappearing, walking out, not coming home, lying about where he is. And the gaslightinhg is unbelievable – I can’t write what he’s been saying because it might get deleted, but his accusations are actually unreal – I mean its like one of us is actually crazy, because what’s being said is so far from reality its untrue – except this time I know I’m not the crazy one. But then neither is he really- I almost wish he was crazy because the other option is worse- i.e he’s completely sane and knows what he’s doing and it’s all planned and meticulously executed to cause maximum pain. I actually now think thats the truth of my situation.

Today’s been truly awful – I’ve been so anxious and felt like I’m losing my mind, but I’ve done everything I can to stay strong and calm and not show any emotion. We’ll see what tomorrow brings – he’s not used to this (me not reacting) and you can see he doesn’t like it. He’s been so cruel (again I can’t give details) – its like I’m seeing him clearly for the first time – he looks cruel and ugly and I cant forget the creepy shuddery feeling he gives me now – its like I feel contaminated by him.

I downloaded that book (why does he do that) so far its excellent- I can relate to everything. I think this may be a game changer.

Thank you again to everyone – I feel blessed to have found this place – this forum is my happy place ! Lots of love to everyone xxxx

[KIP.]

This is escalating and physical assaults will follow so keep your phone on you fully charged at all times. His mask is slipping and you’re seeing the real him and soon he won’t care. We spent our lives appeasing these men for our own safety. You may feel like you’re winning here but it’s extremely dangerous x stay safe.

[Author]

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