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Hi newgirl,
I’ve been in that position, I beat myself up a lot about things that aren’t my fault. It sounds like you’re in a similar place. I’ve been quiet to keep the peace, but it never works long term, especially if someone is deliberately getting at you.
I’m glad you’re trying to find your voice, that’s important. I started answering back, and it did lead to more arguments, but as long as I held my nerve and defended myself I felt a bit better. Also, if you manage to stay calm and not raise your voice at all, you have the moral high ground 🙂
Obviously I don’t know your situation, don’t put yourself in danger if you think he’ll hurt you. What sort of things has he been doing? I’m currently staying at a relative’s, trying to make myself leave for good.
Hoping you’re ok and safe xx
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Well done for getting to a relatives that’s a massive step x it’s silly things so it’s accusing me of cheating even tho I hardly leave the house. (detail removed by Moderator) and he kicked off he thinks I’m talking to people online which I’m not as I’m not interested in a relationship I know I have a lot of rebuilding to do. He has never physically hurt me and I don’t think he will but I am aware he could x it’s been going on a long time and to be honest I’ve just had enough of it. I am usually a bubbly person and I’ve lost that a long time ago. He (detail removed by Moderator) as I’m going to sleep (detail removed by Moderator) I’ve got to the point where I am like let him (detail removed by Moderator) as he is wasting his time. I think he is accusing me as that’s what he is doing but truth is I don’t have to get out as nobody waiting for me! I feel bad as I’m staying to pay my debts off so that I’m in a better position (that’s what I say to myself) but if it happened tomorrow and I managed to find my voice I would go in a heartbeat I’m excited to start to find who I am again and just be on my own with friends and actually laugh rather than the constant on edge that I feel. It’s all the little things that add up the questioning me being called a liar over the most ridiculous things the control people say let him see my phone but why should I as it’s causing issues and I want out! I’m not giving up that control no way
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Good for you newgirl you dont have to put up with his behaviour anymore. But be careful always out your own safety first be aware of how far you can push him and say no, you know your own man so just keep that awareness.
Saying no is empowering it helps you find confidence find that inner voice inside of you the one that knows what he says and doea iant right. Keep letting her out when its safe. Take small tiny steps to that freedom you crave keep imagining it keep believeing it and it will happen.
Be kind to yourself at all times though if one day you cant find your voice then thats ok cause the next time you may shout louder so dont beat yourself up just take small baby steps foward and you will get there xxxxxxx -
To be honest I tried both approaches and it didn’t work , I tried to keep quiet and agree , or walk away , even though inside I was boiling over , he still goaded me into an argument. I then tried answering back as I had truly had enough of his weirdness and I was still wrong for answering back . Bottom line you can never win with them , I think they get more infuriated if you don’t rise to it as difficult as it is , that way they think you don’t care anyway. The more you fight back with them I found they feel you are still wanting the relationship to work, they love the drama of it all . I was accused of cheating also many times and my guess was he was at it , so that was deflecting his guilt onto me . All I can describe them as is vampires , they suck the living life outta ya tbh . The moment you show you don’t care anymore is the moment you have won . Takes a long time to find that courage to break away , when the time is right , you will do it & probably be screaming it out lol from the hill tops x
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Omg you are so right! I tried to act normal but (detail removed by Moderator) It is hard to do either I do try not to respond most of the time I kinda just wanted to agree and say yeah I will chat to all the men lol it used to bother me but now it doesn’t it just drains me that’s why I know I need out and yes the sooner the better and I shall be dancing screaming but most of all I will be smiling I know it will be hard but to get home shut that door and have no tension omg heaven x to go to bed when I want and watch what I want to wear what I want jeeez there is so much…. I’m excited to buy short pjs lol how crazy hey lol and get up and pop a bit of make up on straighten my hair wear perfume all of these I’m so excited for that’s sad isn’t it x
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You reminded me of something I was timed to go food shopping, well I was timed in everything I did actually. In the beginning after we broke up , as I was so conditioned to doing everything in a certain time , I was panic stricken at the thought I’d left my friend outside waiting for me , and she said to me you don’t need to be like that anymore, there’s no rush . It is very difficult in the beginning to change your way of thinking as your brain is so used to being in that relationship, it takes a while to un condition your way of thinking . It’s a long road , but it will be worth it in the end and just look at all the spare time you will have to do what you want & enjoy yourself, rather than wasting time arguing or pleasing someone else for fear of an eruption x
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I hadnt even thought about this actually. I have to be home for his dinner or if I ever used to have a friend round for coffee (i dont bother anymore) they had to be gone for his dinner even my mum if not he would be fowl. Im always rushing about scared he will come home early and im not there it hapoens more now im at college and each time im late he accuses me of having an affair even though he knows where ive been.
Ive never thought about what it would be like to just wander just be calm not worry about the time and where he is. Wow never even dreamt about that!!! -
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Omg yes and I think that’s why I’m struggling to say those words as I’m conditioned to just put up with it x it is going to be so strange but you are right we will get there in the end and be us and happy that’s why I don’t want another relationship as I need to get used to finding me and figuring out the norm x
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Why don’t you try a self help technique? Say to yourself over & over every day , I deserve better , I will find happiness within myself and the strength to walk away , I can do this and I will do this , I will find my voice & courage to end this . Find your own mantra & build yourself up , every day until you feel ready to call it quits . It is exactly what you said previously you’ve learnt to stay quiet , put up with it , now you condition your mindset to thinking Iam strong and I don’t need to take this anymore, I deserve better x
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