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Lately since I made the decision to get out of my abusive situation and leave him my family especially my own mum have been making comments such as ‘oh your so silly for staying’ i would need tolerate that’ my mum made a comment to the effect of ‘I’m more upset you allowed this your not from a bad family we all work we all play by the law we aren’t bad people why would you be so’ silly to stay with him’ there’s been lots more comments made but there’s too many to type honestly it b****y hurts !!! Like it was my choice like I liked the situation I was in. The worst ones are when people act like I’m bad for doing that to the kids. I will enforcer feel guilty for not going sooner but it’s just horrible to be told that. Honestly I never saw myself in a situation like this I seen it on TV thought these woman are crazy staying?! But until your in it you just can’t say. Sorry for the rant I just sometimes wish I had someone close to Home that Understood how manipulative these men can be ! Sending lots of love and rainbows 🌈💛 x*x
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Hey Jellyx, I get what you mean. My family have never come out with those comments, although my mum recently said she didn’t know how I was able to cope with his behaviour and what he was doing while still holding down a job and living a ‘normal’ life but appreciated it’s easier for an outsider to say that. I too am guilty of saying when I’ve heard people are in a bad relationship ‘why stay?’ But then would correct myself and say I was no better as I was still with my husband.
When I opened up to someone I work with that was their first comment why stay so long, why put up with it, they would have been out in a shot etc until I explained how you get sucked in, feel shame and guilt for getting yourself into that situation and staying. You lose the old you, your confidence, Blame yourself for making him the way he is thinking you deserve what is happening etc.
It’s not easy to leave someone who was your best friend, love of your life for so long (well I thought he was). It’s one of the hardest steps to take and unless you have been in the situation will never fully understand how hard it is to walk away.
My husband is still playing the poor victim but also plastering about his new life but is still tormenting me in the process behind closed doors. True friends and family and even our neighbours can now see the Person he really is and how he has two sides. Depending on who you are and the benefit you are to him will determine what side of him you will see.
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“Why didn’t you just leave?” It’s the wrong question. They should be asking “Why didn’t he just stop?”
Sadly, victim blaming is still very common in our society and people just don’t seem to understand domestic abuse. We need much better education about what abuse is and how it manifests. It is really upsetting when people say things like your family are saying, you need their support right now.
Perhaps you can ping them a couple of articles to help them to understand. If you google “Trauma Bonding Betterhelp” then click on the Betterhelp website, there is a really clear explanation of the abuse cycle and trauma bonding. It might help them to understand the hold that he had on you.
I’m going to be honest, I was shocked by my own lack of understanding. For decades, I didn’t even realise I was being abused. Unless you’ve been through it, you are unlikely to know anything about it. It’s not until you start to research that you begin to understand. I have found this forum and absolute godsend because in truth, all though I have very supportive people around me, the only people who really get it are the ladies who have experienced it. xx
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Hi Jellyx
In my opinion what you’re getting from your mum is simply abuse of a different kind.
What if it were a police officer or a magistrate or a counsellor telling you that you’d been ‘silly’?
Has your mother always made you feel small? Have you ever been able to confide in her? Does she always turn situations around so that they’re about her, not you? Does she actively listen to what you have to say? Or does she just spout opinions? Blah blah blah…
Everything she has said to you is unhelpful and harmful. Don’t try to talk her round or educate her. You have enough to do already, healing yourself and building a better life for you and the kids.
Tell her that you are not asking for a character appraisal. Neither are you asking her to judge your actions. If you’re not strong enough to stand up to her, adopt other strategies such as changing the subject, leaving the room or reducing contact.
Don’t allow her to hurt you further, just because she happens to be your mother.
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