Silly maybe, baby steps

[Chocolatebunnie]

This term baby steps, it’s helpful. I make myself think this way but it’s new.

I’ve only just realised I find thinking in baby steps very anxiety inducing because I have to jump to it, I’m on eggshells I can’t take things slowly etc etc. I’m watching out all the time, without even realising.

So baby steps are new to me.

I’m all or nothing, get it done now, quick!

Slow, steady, relaxed this has been drummed into me as lazy

It feels living with an abuser you’re moving quickly all the time emotionally and mentally and physically, if that makes sense as you are living in survival mode.

Hope this makes sense, silly post maybe?

[Grey Rock]

Not silly at all.
I remember realising (after I’d got away) that I was still doing supermarket shopping like a race every time, getting stressed about any little holdups or delays, and once I’d realised I could then make s conscious effort to take my time and browse if I felt like it. When with my ex if he ‘let’ me shop on my own he’d be texting within 5 mins of my leaving the house, and always complain id been a long time and quiz me about whether id seen or spoken to anyone while out . On a bad day he’d sniff me and say he ‘knew’ id been with someone (in 20 minutes as well as getting the groceries??!!). I felt like I was being unreasonable at the time because I didn’t really want him to come with me, but didn’t want to go alone either because it would turn into a manic dash followed by an inquisition. Anyway – sorry for that little rant, I got carried away thinking about it – noticing these things gives us the chance to start changing them, which is all part of our recovery and self-healing, so not a little thing at all.

GR xx

[Author]

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