Since he first became violent I’ve been pretending everything. Is ok

[LittleMX]

Hi all it’s weird to be writing on this I’m a very independent woman with a great love for my children and my job I also do love the DH however our marriage has been all ups and many many downs all down to him abusing drink recreational drugs or prescription drugs gambling etc you name it it comes and goes he stops one thing to start another one yes deep inside he is a kind man shame with all the drink I can’t see it it’s always me trying to make it work for (detail removed by moderator) years he is not caring with me at all name calling is there every day I am a sweet person he changed me to be always defensive I don’t feel the love I feel it’s always me making the good things happen In this Family. (detail removed by moderator) years ago I started with bad anxiety I’ve been treated for it CBT and medication I’m feeling a lot better I now have the job of my dreams live in a nice house I am the main breadwinner and he’s still not happy he wants life to be perfect to be happy all his tantrums are about money and controlling my money or his by not wanting to spend on our kids. Although my anxiety is now way lots better I do get he odd bad day he needs all my attention I need to tell him what to do wear say everything every day if I am not there mentally for him he starts giving me a hard time (detail removed by moderator)  and still not bother trying to understand last time I felt I was having a really bad day he wanted to know everything about our money specially mine since I started to earn a lot more (detail removed by moderator)  etc I said I feel really not up for talking I want to lie down I left the office with a bit of a anxious episode he ignored me he kept getting agitated and shouting abuse at me with the kids being there when I couldn’t take it anymore I covered my ears and told him to leave me alone that’s when he threw (detail removed by moderator)  and (detail removed by moderator)  I felt so little so ashamed and so sad 😞 I felt that everything changed for me that day he looked really scary al red with closed fists in a rage next thing he said is you made me do it! Locked myself in our kids room next day left for work and he sent me some sort of apologies but blaming my mental health for everything when I manage to keep my head ok for 95% of the time but it is not good enough for him I decided to just pretend I’m ok with it but really looking for a way out I don’t want my daughters to think a mans behaviour like that is acceptable and guess what after so long I want to be happy I had to learn to love myself again after depression and anxiety he can’t take it away . Have to add I am not originally from the UK and my family live (detail removed by moderator)  miles away but in nearly (detail removed by moderator)  I have made lots of good friends. Any advice on what to do when I break the news to him that I I want to separate to not provoke him since he thinks everything is ok ? Because I rather keep thing as normal in case he gets aggressive before I sort things out I noticed when I feel more vulnerable is when he becomes more abusive thanks

[Tiffany]

Especially as he has already been violent before I would plan and then leave without telling him. You can inform him that the relationship is over once you have left (by text, letter or email ideally). This is obviously not the way I would normally suggest a break up to a friend, but with domestic abuse it is the safest way and their behaviour means that they have lost the right to being treated in any other way. You are quite right in thinking that you should pretend everything is ok until you are gone as this will help keep you safe. You can call the helpline to get more specific advise on your situation and help in planning your escape.

[Author]

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