Sister

[Serenity]

Hello,

I’ve not posted for a while!

I was after some advice.

As some of you might know, I was in a dreadful marriage and went through a dreadful divorce, which involved Cafcass, an injunction etc. I was in a very bad way, diagnosed with PTSD due to his abuse. He wasn’t kind to my kids either, esjeczalkz my eldest. Anyway, several years on and I’m ok. I’m working, my kids are on track (detail removed by moderator), though my youngest is under CAMHS for his anxiety and now OCD. He’s receiving counselling from them soon, and hopefully will get to the root cahse. He’s received some counselling already from elsewhere, and it bit help a bit. But I’m very wary of keeping my home a safe, peaceful place, as my kids live in such fear of my ex. We all need a safe place.

Anyway, my sister’s husband walked out on her (detail removed by moderator). He said he couldn’t stand being mistreated anymore. The reason that I know this isn’t a lie on his part is because my sister does mistreat people. I remember her inches from my face when we were teenagers, lips curled and saying how ugly I was. Fast forward over the last thirty years, she’s fallen out with different family members at intervals, not speaking to people for a couple of years, then getting back in touch. She ignored me once for two years because (detail removed by moderator).

Anyway, very surprisingly to me, she was very good to me during my divorce. However, since then it’s gone downhill. She belittles her husband even in public, and bakes no effort to keep it behind closed doors. She puts him down for everything- his weight, etc. She screams at her kids and says how horrible they are, right in front of people. She demands, demands, demands. I have helped her out a great deal by taking her kids ( my nieces) out to help her, as she’s always saying she’s tired, though she doesn’t work. I love taking my nieces out.

She’s fallen out with her neighbours. Window cleaner, other mums at school..to the point that it’s full blown warfare. I have found it increasingly difficult to be around her because she screams at her family and uses vile language. I get badly triggered. When I suggested that her kids were ‘only kids’ she turned on me. She drinks all the time.

(Detail removed by moderator).

Part of me feels sad as she was good to me in my divorce, but the rational part of me says that she’s deteriorated in her behaviour since then ( or the cycle has come around to abuse again ) and that I need to protect my and my kids’ mental health. I’m sure her kids. I am sure her kids need a sense of family around, but no doubt she will punish people by isolating her kids from then. She’s already ignoring my mother and other sister.

Am I wrong in all this? What can I do as a way forward? My PTSD has been badly triggered by this. I’ve just got back to working and earning proper hours, and I can’t afford to go backwards.

She has anger issues. Years ago, she dumped me to walk and carry my son home in his car seat with a caesarean wound, which ultimately needed restitching as a result, because I gently asked her not to berate my son so harshly for something tiny. I’ve trued so hard to do lovely things with her kids. She treats them very badly.

[Serenity]

PS: A friend of my sister’s- who contacted my mum out of concern (detail removed by moderator)– said that my sister has physically attacked her husband so he had to go to A and E for a gash to the head. I was horrified to hear this. I didn’t know things were that bad. Her kids must have seen this too.

My brother in law isn’t perfect, but he’s not abusive. Even she can’t say he is. She complains about his weight most of all.

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi Serenity,

I am sorry that you have such a sister, I can somewhat relate, my sister has been very supportive during my escape from my abusive relationship but then became abusive towards me and when I took my distances she started to harass me. Now we don’t speak to each other anymore and I intend to keep it that way for ever. I have no room for abusive people in my life.

Keep yourself and your kids safe and put yourselves first.
She is not your problem. You don’t own her anything. Doesn’t matter if she is your sister, if she helped you, she is abusive and that is a deal breaker.

The most important person in this whole story is you. Stay strong and away from your sister. Imagine that down the line everything goes well, her husband will get support (and eventually custody of the kids) you can then interact with your nieces via him, a non-abusive person, instead of via her.
So stay strong and healthy, first and foremost for yourself, for your kids, for your nieces. You don’t know how this storm will turn, only time will tell and in the meantime you keep safe and look after yourself.
Wishing you all the best.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Serenity, you owe her nothing, she is abusive and I think her husband after seeing what you went through has eventually saw her fir what she is. You have to keep well for your sake and your children’s. You can only help your nieces so much too, because by the sounds of it she’ll abuse that too. Threaten you with not seeing them or try to bully you into taking them whenever she wants you to, so that you end up having no life of your own.
She’s not got anger issues, she’s abusive, please don’t fall fir her being the victim, she’s manipulative and needs a huge wide berth.
Take care Serenity, you know there’s help out there for men too, could you give your brother in law the phone number for him to get help and advice from abuse. It’s not taking sides, it’s taking a stand against abuse.

IWMB 💕💕

[Serenity]

Thank you, both.

You’re right: even though she’s my little sister, I don’t need to tolerate abuse from her. She is, after all, an adult. She needs to learn to handle her life in away that isn’t abusive to others. If she insists on carrying in as she is, people will give her a wide berth. There are kids to consider in this. It’s time she put kids first.

x*x

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