Slavery!

[Serenity]

This might seem pretty tame in comparison to some other things, but I wanted your advice please ladies, on whether to be concerned and my reaction.

My youngest son spends time with my ex, and my ex treated me like a slave. He threw tea trims if dinner wasn’t perfect, he begrudged me having a nice job, etc. I was meant to be a char woman.

My youngest is constantly, constantly asking me to do things for him, to fetch and carry. It’s not just a bit: it’s constantly. As soon as I sit in a chair, he invents some reason for me to get up.

I know he’s doing it on purpose. Today, I told him to stop doing this, he is capable of doing some things himself, I am not there to do every little thing for him. I got avert cheeky reply.

He is no doubt influenced by his dad, but how to break this conveyor belt?!!!

[Healthyarchive]

I think that the only thing that you can do is to keep telling him that you are not there to do everything for him and he needs to do it himself. He has very conflicting role models, you being the good his dad being the bad. As he lives with you and spends more time with you, hopefully this will be something that can gradually be eroded if you keep telling him no. XXXX

Hopefully at some point he will be more like your older son and not be so keen to spend time with his dad.

[Suntree]

I know that feeling. Most children will naturally go for the easier option and to me it seems as the more to the teenage side of things they can get “oh my life is soooo hard” “I have to do everything around here”… and at other times they can be the most loving and helpful children you could wish for.

In my house when we were having the shared custody I would let them know we were a team and to get things done we needed to work as a team. So if they wanted me to spend time with them they have to help.
Showing appreciation for the smallest things they do helps too.
If they have things like tablets, computer games. put a timer on so they can see when they have to stop and help and be consistent.
The moment you are not consistent they will naturally push the boundaries and stop believing what you say.

I also knew my children know the rules for different places, for instant they know the rules at school. at Nanny’s house. My saying would be “and who’s house are we in at the moment?” “Mummy’s” and “who’s rules do we follow in Mummy’s house?”

They know the house is mine, but they know our home is everyone’s. We have a saying a house is just bricks and mortar the people and love within it makes it a home.

Oh and stop doing things for them. Have selective hearing, you will be suprised what they can do.

I give the does anyone want any last thing before I sit down? That is a last chance after that they go without or get it themselves.

You have to retrain yourself too doubly hard.

I suppose I am also lucky there have been a few good male role models that have helped by saying “you don’t treat your mum like that”. I think that is also important.

[Serenity]

Thanks, both.

Suntree, thanks for the tips.

Apart from wearing me out and treating me like a 24 hour slave, I wouldn’t want either of my boys to think they can treat people like that in the future!

X

[Confused123]

Hi Hun

I tend to say tomy boys its a two way thing, i dont mind helping but they must do the same and in return, and if im tired i just say to them start taking responsibility and do things for yourself , i would ask your son direct and why is it he cant do it

[godschild]

Serenity nip this in the bud, he will have seen his Dad treating you as slave and he will have learned it,I was reading last night that abusers have a sense of entitlement, your son will have witnessed this with your ex treating you this way, even have a chat with him that it is not acceptable ,hugsxxx

[older lady]

Tell him the cafe is closed, the laundrette is shut, you are not open for business, closed for lunch. What is the reaction… A sense of entitlement, grudging humour?

[Peaceful Pig]

Hi Serenity, I find mine go through phases where they are helpful and stages when I feel like a slave. Mostly it seems to happen when we have been through a period of turmoil. I think this is partly due to them feeling so clingy and uncertain, partly due to my lack of energy to enforce boundaries so strongly and a bit of natural childish taking advantage. Once I feel better I have to restate the rules again and get us back on track. It’s weird how much energy it seems to take to do less! It’s crucial we model self-care and boundary setting so they learn respect for themselves and others, though unfortunately I’m failing at that again in my current state of mind x*x

[Serenity]

Thank you, all.

Older lady, your post made me laugh. I’m using that line! 😀

[Tuppance]

Hi Serenity,
They say children learn what they live and this is so true. Having waited on my h for all our days my boy (removed by moderator), 90% of the time he just calls out orders for his stuff from whatever room or chair he is in. I am meant to have super sonic hearing, lightening response times and a crystal ball too. Drives me nuts. Xx

[Serenity]

Yes, Tuppance! 😀

[Author]

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