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It’s really subtle but I think he is deliberately keeping me awake. A few times it’s strange (detail removed by moderator), the other night he elbowed me (detail removed by moderator), sometimes he just needs to talk to try sort things out. Or he is ill.
I have suffered from night terrors and my dreams can be really vivid but I always know when it’s been my dream that’s woken me up usually because of my fast heart rate and panic.
When I complain the next day he has yet again ruined a nights sleep, he always says it’s me dreaming again. But (detail removed by moderator)he was doing (detail removed by moderator), I went to the bathroom and when I came back he asked me what I was doing. I didn’t answer at first because when I looked at the time I had only been asleep for (detail removed by moderator). Then he got annoyed at me for ignoring him.
I am constantly exhausted by this. I may have to sleep in my (detail removed by moderator) room but when I have attempted this before he won’t let me. -
Sleep deprivation is a really common tactic. They know it keeps us tired and easier to manage. Mine would wake me up raging about something I’d done, wake me really early in the morning when I told him I needed my sleep. The more I objected the worse he got. Yes it’s deliberate. I ended up in a separate room with a lock on my door. He would also start arguments in bed at night when he knew I was exhausted. Often keeping me awake for hours often not allowing me to sleep until I agreed to sex. It’s all very much deliberate.
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Kip, We have talked about it before and I realise I need to stop complaining and fretting and actually deal with it. I have threatened to sleep in another room but he follows me but I think I need to dig deep and find the strength to stand up for myself finally as I can’t go on with such little sleep.
If I mention it later he will say I have been dreaming or it’s in my head. He will make a joke of it. -
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Hi Catjam,
The sleep deprivation is horrendous. It wasnt until I left that I realised it was a deliberate abuse tactic he was using. That I wound up developing insomnia as a result of the abuse didnt help. Unfortunately when you are exhausted you are so much easier to control so he is not going to stop such an effective tactic while you are under the same roof. Standing up for yourself is just telling him how much it bothers you and he will just continue/escalate the behaviour. It wont stop him sadly.
Remember your silence towards him is your power. Tell him nothing, all he wants is a reaction; to know hes getting to you. So dont give it to him. It’s so very difficult, sending big hugs xx
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Goodness me there are so many ways to abuse and control! I’d forgotten about sleep deprivation as thankfully it’s not something my husband does often.
I always thought that when I found the courage to stand up for myself he would treat me better. However it has actually got worse. My husband fits many of the descriptions in the book “Why does he do that?” and having read it I can now see that he is always going to be angry that I don’t meet his unrealistic expectations, so he will always be abusive.
Of course I’m not suggesting you don’t stand him for yourself. In my experience being compliant comes at a huge cost to your self worth and doesn’t stop the abuse anyway. Just remember that whatever you do, the abuse is all about his need to control you, it’s not your fault. There probably isn’t anything you can do to stop his behaviour so focus on looking after yourself. Xxxx -
The last thing we lose is hope. Hope that it will change. Hope that if we change our behaviour things will be better. Hope that if we explain things things the right way he will stop the abuse. Hope that if we stand up for ourselves he will give us the respect we deserve. Hope that if we agree and comply he wont get angry.
I was at the end of my tether by the time I read Why does he do that. I’d stood up to him every step of the way. I’d finally realised that didnt work so I became more agreeable and compliant with his nonsense. That didnt work either. It eventually ended in violence because it had nothing to do with what I was doing or not doing. It was his desire to be abusive and see my distress.
After reading that book I lost the last shred of hope I had that it ever would change. That he would never change. And so the only change that could be made was for me to leave. And I’ve never regretted it.
Hope is the best thing about being human, but if it is based on something false and damaging to us it can also be very dangerous. And it is so very difficult and painful to let go of. So be very gentle with yourself xx
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