Small Achievement – huge to me

[backtome]

So, I got rid of my daughter’s old bed, it was a cabin bed so pretty big and lots of wood. I managed to carry it all down the stairs, into my car and to the tip and empty it into the tip ALL ON MY OWN!!!

This isn’t a massive thing and I”m sure people do this every day but I’m obese and have back trouble because of this, so manual labour is very difficult for me at the moment and I just used to let ex do EVERYTHING. I was so so so close to texting him and asking him to help me but I didn’t! I text my mum instead and told her I was thinking of texting him to ask for help and she reminded me that his “help” never came for free and he’d be expecting to stay over at my house etc. So I carried on, took breaks in between trips, and did it.

Like I say, this isn’t a big thing to most people, but to me it was a turning point, I CAN do things for myself :).

[anotherlife]

Hi backtome. Well done! I know how they can take your independence & confidence away, so really well done. I have back issues too and would have struggled like you do I know what amassive job it would have been. You should feel v proud of yourself & remember next time you have something to do which seems hard, what a great job you did with this, with your determination & strength. One step forward. Keep looking forward x

[Janedoeissad]

Backtome!! That’s awesome!

In every aspect that isn’t easy. I do not have a bad back but I would find that task rather daunting. Due to the physical nature of it.

I think the thing to remember is that you have it in you to do these things. Its about doing it safely and in your own time.

[freedomtochoose]

Add my voice to everyone else’s. It is a big, massive thing you have just done.

I know that dynamic with so-called ‘help’ that they offer, i.e. as you said ‘it never comes for free’.

It has been so upsetting in the past for me to assume that a normal dynamic of cooperation is there,
and, as you say, find out that yet again, it isn’t – and that someone expects to ‘stay over’.

And worse than that, assuming that if they do, or if you give an inch, that they are entitled to
control something in your life.

It is hard and you have done really well. I made the decision to get myself a grass strimmer yesterday.
As per the others, I too have had problems with my back.

Slow and steady and in your own way wins the race
all best
ftc
x

[freedomtochoose]

Just wanted to say also, it can be a lonely place, faced with these tasks.
Would like to hear from others who have triumphed over such tasks in small or big ways.
Keeps me going
all best
ftc

[backtome]

Thanks so much everyone!

freedomtochoose well done on the strimmer. My next daunting task is to cut the grass myself, I’ve never done it, ever. I haven’t done it this year yet and it’s over grown so will probably need a good bit of going over. I’ll let you know how that goes :). I take strength from everyone here and in other supportive areas of my life. x*x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi backtome, go you. Did you get your lawn mower. I used to enjoy cutting grass in my 1st marriage, in fact i did all gardening. Now I’d really struggle but even if it took all week, id be proud as chips to have done it myself. You can do whatever you want my lovely.
IWMB 💕💕

[Anonymous]

Every little step we take is actually really huge. I remember paying my own bills for the first time in my life. Today I built a wardrobe. Now I’ve got to get over my fear of drills to attach it to the wall.

[White Rose]

Loving this thread!
We’re actually all intelligent capable women who can do anything we want to! Sometimes we might need a bit of advice from someone and sometimes we might just need to ask for help (I can’t I’ve cakes so wouldn’t attempt plastering and electricity needs an expert!) but mostly we can do it. We just need to keep believing in ourselves.
I’ve built wardrobes and cabinets dining table and chairs hung curtains and pictures decorated 2 rooms sold a car and bought another one taken a holiday abroad and all while juggling the washing ironing cleaning and food shopping and supporting my daughter 😂😂😂 .
I’m not amazing or superhuman I’m just a woman getting on with it and being the person I always was before he tried to destroy my confidence in my ability to do anything. I can’t count the number of times he snatched a tool or garden equipment off me as I apparently was messing it up then he’d rarely finish the job himself.
Believe in yourself. Google how to do it. Get advice on the right tools for the job (B&Q staff really helpful!!!) be prepared to make mistakes so when you buy a drill get some polyfilla to repair the holes you drill in the wrong place 😉 But never give up! If all else fails citizens advice and help the aged have lists of odd job “people” they can recommend. My neighbour in her 80s has given me her just just in case.
More power to your elbows, backs,knees etc and much love xx

[SunshineRainflower]

I can really relate to this thread! I know it was a while ago now but well done on the cabin bed Backtome, I think anyone would find that a difficult thing to bring down the stairs and to the tip!

I went to the tip for the first time alone this year too and put it off for ages because I was worried I’d ‘get it wrong.’ My whole life I’ve been surrounded by controlling bossy people who always insisted they did everything for me or if I did it myself they’d imply I hadn’t done it right/they could do it better. It was always done in a way that seemed helpful rather than controlling and to be honest still confuses me as one of the people who does this is my mother.

The problem with this behaviour is it really de-skills the person and keeps them in a dependent childlike state, which is how I had sort of become despite being a grown woman with a good education. I actually enjoyed my trip to the tip! It was funny because it was around Christmas and I found some really pretty Christmas decorations there that someone no longer wanted. I gathered a few up then one of the men working there saw me and he collected a few more for me and asked if I’d like them. It was really cute and felt like a sign I was moving in the right direction. I will hang out these decorations this year to remind me of my increasing independence.

I find it helps to take it really slowly, in incremental steps. I’m still not fully independent but this year I have changed every lightbulb that needed it, gone down to the horrible cellar in the pitch black to turn back on the lights which kept tripping out, arranged for a shower to get fixed, arranged an emergency electrician for a broken alarm, defrosted and cleaned a freezer, put up curtains, measured and got blinds fitted, organised my house move including hiring two men with a van, created a small garden, organised my first ever grocery delivery, bought furniture and organised delivery, got the carpets cleaned and many more household things most of which I’d never done before and which really daunted me.

I was scared of most tasks and assumed they would all go wrong but every single thing pretty much went even better than planned and it felt amazing! I can see how a lot of the people in my life used fear to keep me in a dependent state. It creates a sort of invisible prison.

Well done everyone and lets keep going, maybe we can set up a WomensAid Handywomen service where we all take turns to drive the van 😀

[anotherlife]

I love reading this thread as it gives me a little hope for when I escape! It’s coincidental that I had a go at some things at home . But his mess is driving me mad (he’s far too busy and important at work to sort his c*** at home which has been building for years and I’m not allowed to move, bet some others will recognise that!) and it seems that every kitchen drawer and cupboard was untidy and full of unnecessary rubbish/junk/disorder.
I had plans to do other things  (detail removed by moderator) as I have bad pain levels but I couldn’t take any more! So I’ve cleared the food cupboard of out of date things, cleaned and tidied up 2 big drawers in kitchen, cleared some junk in another drawer (he moans at his mum for hoarding but he’s no better!), cleaned surfaces in kitchen and junk off windowsill (yes more junk!), though making sure I haven’t moved anything I shouldn’t or important, though we shall see….
I’ve also hung a few small pictures up which had been waiting for over a year and were causing more clutter. I had left it all that time as figured he would moan they’re in the wrong place etc but how much longer, really! It was quite funny as I had to use a wrench to hammer the nails into the wall, as I couldn’t find a hammer in the very untidy garage!!!
He has a very well paid job, though it is stressful, these things have been cluttering and building up for years, not just a few months. It looks a bit better.
Now I need him to move out so I can clear his wardrobe out, I wish!
Well done to all of us who are doing new things we’ve not been allowed to do in the past. My OH used to take over and I couldn’t do anything right, now I’ve had enough. It’s amazing when you look back and realise quite how much they have taken over you and your life, ruining the confidence and the real self that is still in there somewhere we hope.
Keep going ladies, we can do it! 💗

[Author]

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