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    • #16934
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      His dad hung up on him the other night and he picked up his phone and obliterated it by smashing it onto the floor. His Dad wasn’t well at all and as a result of his condition wasn’t very nice to him and hung up.

      Is this something to be wary of – in terms of his mood swings? The reason I ask is that I am watching everything he does, and I don’t know whether this was just an outburst due to the stress with his dad and it’s normal or whether it is potentially a part of his abusive nature.

      Sorry if I seem a bit daft, but it did frighten me (definitely wasn’t aimed at me in any way) and I am trying to stay on my toes!

      We have had road rage incidents in the past (getting out of the car and threatening people who had annoyed him) and he has very occasionally blown up and pushed chairs
      Away angrily/thrown kids toys (not at us though).

      What do you all think? X

    • #16949
      SaharaD
      Participant

      It’s abuse.

      See this article

      http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3582828/Father-accused-battering-daughter-six-death-called-little-girl-c.html

      The video at the end is absolutely chilling.

      Those aggressive abusive outburst are a red flag of what he is capable of.

    • #16968
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Hi Timetomoveon,

      Thank you for your post. I am sorry but your partner does sound abusive. Abuse is not just physically hurting you but also intimidating you and all these signs of aggression are to send you a clear message that he is capable of hurting you and a way of demonstrating coercive control. It must be very stressful and upsetting for you and your children when he is behaving in that way and that is not normal behaviour in healthy relationships.

      Please do try to phone the helpline to speak to a helpline worker about your situation. You and your children deserve to feel safe and happy and a helpline worker can help you to see that you have options. Please remember that his behaviour is not your fault and that you are not to blame, the helpline can help you understand that too and put you in touch with your local Women’s Aid group who can help support you.

      We are all here for you.

      Best wishes,

      Lisa
      Forum Moderator

    • #16971
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Thank you both for your replies.

      The kids were tucked up in bed and my parents were in the other room and fully aware of what he did, he wasn’t ashamed of it at all.

      The thing I’m struggling to understand is that he is genuinely under a lot of stress with his dad, and his dad was saying some pretty hurtful things to him and he shattered his phone in anger/frustration. It wasn’t directed at me and he didn’t even speak to me just went off to get the house phone. This is why I’m not sure if it’s something anyone would do under extreme stress, or if it’s a trait I should be wary of.

      I don’t want to dispute what either of you are saying, but I’m struggling to get it into my head that it’s a possible part of the abide as it wasn’t directed at me, am I being naive?

      TTMO XX

    • #16973
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Another thought, what if, for instance, I wasn’t there when it happened. That he told me over the phone/by text that he had smashed up his phone and had to be contacted on another number – would that still be considered abusive?

      As I’ve said, just trying to get my head around it.

      TTMO x

    • #16984

      When i first read it, it concerned me, smashing up the phone.
      Another ex of mine searched through my mobile, found a text he didn’t like and punched the wall, that concerned me too. Take care X*X

    • #17000
      Serenity
      Participant

      These incidents are clues as to their real nature underneath.

      My ex started out throwing and smashing things. It started as household items ( and his dinner) and in latter years, he wrecked my son’s toys. Ultimately, he threw my son’s X Box out the window and smashed it into tiny pieces.

      But alongside this, the years I were with him included abuse on every level.

      What I am saying is, destroying objects is seen to be a red flag, suggesting he has negative emotions that he only purges by being destructive. Will he destroy things every time a bad thing happens? Won’t he be able to control it or self soothe without destroying things?

      And why did he tell you? I am worried he told you to make you somewhat fearful. He didn’t regret it or tell you he had been wrong in doing it: he just told you he had destroyed it in a matter of fact way, as if this was acceptable and you weren’t to question it?

      What if you wanted to tell him he’d been wrong in smashing it? Would you dare to? What would his reaction be if you told him he was wrong in breaking it? Would he respond aggressively or angrily, or listen and accept fault?

      With our abusers, we are scared to open our mouths and feel we need to swallow our true thoughts and feelings….

    • #17001

      Sahara,i’ve just looked at the video, its so upsetting.

    • #17002
      Serenity
      Participant

      So have I. What a beautiful child.

    • #17185
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Serenity, what you have said has given me a lot of food for thought, mainly the fact that I wouldn’t dare tell him that he shouldn’t have done it. I’m amazingly not afraid of what he will physically do to me, it’s his words and lack of feeling that hurt me the most.

      He had to go and visit his Dad and I supported him all the way, he’s my husband and I wanted to be there for him. When he came back he was the man I married, happy (despite the situation), calm with the kids, loving etc etc. He even told me that he loves me, even if he doesn’t always act like hoe does and takes me for granted. Within a few days though he was back to the sullen, miserable man he normally is. I think the reality of his dad’s illness has caught up with him but I’m very aware that I’m always making excuses for him – to others and myself.

      Thank you x*x

      • #17671
        Whathaveidone
        Participant

        “He even told me that he loves me, even if he doesn’t always act like hoe does and takes me for granted. Within a few days though he was back to the sullen, miserable man he normally is.”

        My ex said exactly the same thing to me. This is all part of the cycle of abuse.

        He also smashed his phone in anger once because he couldnt get his own way. It also wasn’t directed at me but i was still near him. Initially, I thought it was because of the stress of working (detail removed by moderator). Turned out over the years he became more abusive, aggressive and coercively controlling.

        He once threw an object to my door, the object bounced back and hit me on my leg leaving a temp mark; He’s thrown bowls of food everywhere; cut up my mums (idem of clothing removed by moderaor); he’s ripped up a (detail removed by moderator)belonging to his own relative and smashed the remote control all infornt of me and close others. He once threatened to smash up everything in the place and then commit suicide all becasue I didnt want him to use my (item removed by moderator).

        These are all red flags. Any normal person would not behave in this way. My ex was very controlling, manipulative and intimidating and yours does too.

    • #17547
      myfairyqueen
      Participant

      And don’t forget the cycle – he will be good for awhile until the next time. Read up on the cycle of abuse.

      My ex started by throwing things and gradually got worse and worse over time as he started to lose control. If they feel they are no longer in control, they will take it to the next level to get you back under control.

    • #17579

      Hi, I haven’t read everyone’s replies but can I just tell you yesterday I had my abusive dad on the phone who said nasty things to me.

      I am also stressed because of my situation but I didn’t smash my phone, I simply hung up. Calmly, in full control of myself and carried on with other things as I was alone.

      A non abusive person would probably sound upset, explain, have an emotional voice, but an abusive person would react like him. You were scared. And I am sure he knows it and felt empowered by that knowledge. Just like a tantrum child.

      You find excuses for his style, ie he didn’t aim at anyone. It won’t be long before he does. The thirst for gaining power and contro over situations and people will lead to a physical outburst one day aimed at one of you or one of your possessions and it will crescendo.

      I experienced it.

      If I had a verbal outburst I would feel guilty for the impression I leave. Your partner has had physical outburts and feels nothing else but a affirmation of his power.

      Lisa sent you a helpful reply. Please seek help. Dont do what I did. I was slapped, strangled, and I never reported him. I was too scared of him seeing me on the phone to the police and killing my kids and me, then himself. I became docile. The rest is history.

      Don’t wait and find excuses. There is a definite trait of character in him. Dont do what I did ans live with it for years, making your children watch all this. Think about the messages you send them too. My own kids have learned patterns of behaviour, and they act like him. I watch that most days now. All I can do is save myself. And reconstruct. At my age, it’s hard to start again. I see my life as a failure to react and do the proper thing. Now, decades later, I still find ways to cope, co dependency…oh I have learned…don’t live my life.

      Please seek advice and have more courage than me. Dont be me.

      Hugs and strength to you xx

    • #18076
      Mellowyellow
      Participant

      Just read this post too TTMO, my partner mashed up my baby’s cd player cos she wouldn’t stop crying and I made the same excuses, oh but he didn’t throw it at anyone. He’s thrown bottles of milk on the floor when she’s refused them and gone into a rage. It’s scared me. Then blamed me cos I wanted to go out and he wouldn’t have tried the bottle or tried to comfort her had i planned to pop out down the road for an hour. As I’m the only one that can comfort her or feed her. I have tried to excuse him and I know what you’re going through. We want it to work as we are good people and just want a normal family life but they’re not right. Sending hugs x

    • #18078
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Thanks Mellowyellow, the whole thing makes me sad, more so that other people are going through the same thing as me.

      Thank you for the hugs, they are very needed today,

      Hugs back xx

    • #18080
      Mellowyellow
      Participant

      I know what you mean. I hope you’re OK? It’s good to talk as I don’t really tell friends just in case decide to stay with him and they hate him if that makes sense?

      Glad the hugs are helping 🙂 xx

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