So alone.

[Busyditch]

I’ll try to make this short…

I drank (detail removed by moderator) wine at the weekend, it was a gift (detail removed by moderator). I rarely drink, maybe the odd G&T. But my husband is so angry at me about it, saying it’s not right, it’s not good for my weight & medication (true but I knew what I was doing) and (detail removed by moderator) (there’s more in the house) he said(detail removed by moderator) . (Detail removed by moderator) I defended myself saying it was a lovely gift, it’s not like I usually drink so it was a one off and the children ((detail removed by moderator) teens) also defended me which really made him angry, then I really sealed his mood by saying (detail removed by moderator) he then stormed off and now he is giving me the silent treatment (bonus) but he is acting like he is a victim. Am I really bad? Is he right to be so angry at me? Is he justified to punish me like this? It messes with my thoughts, what’s right and what’s wrong?

It’s weird, I just don’t understand him at all. It’s not an unusual behaviour from him, I never know what’s coming. I know this is really bad for my children to live with and I battle with my guilt daily. I am trying to find the strength to leave.

Thank you for reading. (Having just read this back, I recognise how toxic this house is)

[Hawthorn]

Abusers often project their own behaviour on us, in this instance calling you selfish. He is the one who doesnt care about upsetting you or your children, HE is the selfish one. He only cares about himself and his own needs, the very definition of the word. No you were not to blame, you are his wife, how dare he swear at you. You are an adult woman, not a child, and if you want to drink alcohol you can. Your body is your own and what you chose to put in it is your business.

Google DARVO. It is a common abuser tactic, Nd is what he is doing here. He is the aggressor in the situation and you the victim, but he twists it to make out he is the victim. It is another manipulation to lay all blame for the toxicity in the relationship at your feet and deflect attention from himself and his abuse of you and your children.

If you haven’t read it Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft is available to read for free online. Abusers behaviour is very predictable and is rooted in entitlement. He believes he is god in his home and should be treated as such. Dont carry his guilt for him, he is the one perpetrating the abuse, not you. His abusive behaviour is not your fault or your responsibility, he would treat any partner he had this way. Please reach out to womens aid for support if you haven’t already, and keep posting here.

[Rosemary]

Hello Busydich

I do feel for you and no it’s not right how your partner is reacting at all why go mad over just have one of drink of wine . His trying to control you and that’s not right drinking one in a blue moon ain’t a problem many people drink out there so I cant see why his reaching in that way .

I had this problem with my partner some years back he was abusive going mental at me all because of haveing a drink he even gave me a automation and said that I need to stop drinking other wise he leave me back then we never had any children and I was going thought so much in my life I thought drink would hyde my pain from being abused and haveing mental toucher from my partner he was trying to control me what I can and cant do which is not right. Your not being unkind at all you said you dont really drink so I dont understand Jay he would get angry with you .

Dont put your self down hun because men who are abusive and controling love to but women down and take control of us .

(Detail removed by moderator) my partner does and I’ve advise him to get help and his not doing anything about it .

I hope you can get some help contact women aid or you Gp explain what your partner is doing you can get help it’s not easy what your going thought but you are strong because your telling your partner how you feel . Men that are abusive dont like us women sticking up for our selfs because they lose the control over us

[Lottieblue]

@busyditch your post was a real trigger for me. This is exactly how my husband used to behave. This had nothing whatsoever to do with that bottle of wine. It was just the easiest way to make you feel bad. It reminds me of a time when mine (and I’m trying to avoid moderation here) walked in to the house to find we had done something without waiting for him and completely lost it. It was so extraordinary and unreasonable that I was left speechless.

I knew I had to leave, you know you have to leave.
I did. You will.

This is the exact sort of toxic behaviour that dominated our family too. Are you “ready” to leave? Organised? Are your ducks in a row? I left quite suddenly in the end but everything was set up and ready to go, and if I tried to imagine a future with him I wanted to die, so I knew there was no choice. If your ducks are in a row, then just be vigilant. The time will come.

Hugest hugs x*x

[Author]

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