So anxious

[Trueblue]

Hey, i just dont know what to do, have to try and work today and so anxious. He keeps playing the love card, is being attentive and keeps kissing me and saying he loves me and it is so fake, i think? Not been like this for years! I feel so trapped and suffocated. This is all i ever wanted from him but it is too late i think?! Is it real? I dont think so as i feel horrific, cant concentrate and just want to be free. I basically only said id try again cos of his suicide threat. I feel so sick. I dont know what to do. Xx

[KIP.]

Play the game until you can get out. I remember having to hold hands and kiss him while I felt physically sick. It’s a huge act from him. The lovebombing stage but this time you know his vile game and don’t want him anywhere near you, yet you know if you reject him you will get more abuse. Trapped and suffocated are good words to describe it. Remember learned helplessness. There will be this internal conflict now. You know what’s happening but facing the reality of it is sickening x can you feign illness for some space. Tell him you have thrush and feel sick. Or period pains or anything you know he will fall for. He’s gonna be watching you now to see if he’s hooked you back in. This is why leaving is the most dangerous time.

[Trueblue]

Thanks KIP. I just dont know how this can ever end, i have searched for properties to rent and neither could afford that with our house too. Just doesnt seem possible. I just want to be free now but cant, not sure if i ever will be x

[KIP.]

Remember there are refuges if you need to use them to get safe. Just take baby steps x

[Trueblue]

Thanks KIP. One day at a time x

[KIP.]

That’s the way to do it. One day at a time. One hour at a time if you have to x

[gettingtired]

One hour at a time really can be the case.
That’s how I live a lot of the time because one minute it’s him being snappy, then winding me up, then saying he doesn’t want to fight and that he loves me even though he started it in the first place.
Like today, it’s already been a variety of digs said in a half jokey way, telling me I’m being a certain way because I’m bored, that I need to get a hobby. It can be an emotional rollercoaster but I try my hardest to laugh it off and not lose my temper and remember what he accuses me of being like is actually what he is.
I know it’s hard but we will get there eventually xx

[Trueblue]

Yes we will. He is being perfect at the moment but waiting for the bad bit. Yeah really is one hour at a time or is too overwhelming. Getting there, having different ideas about how to work out finances and living situation. Thanks as always x

[Hetty]

Keep doing what you’re doing in terms of exploring all options. You will get there. It took me a long time and at times I felt like giving up hope and that I’d have to stay for another decade!!! Every option you explore, every time you think through plans you’re one step closer. Don’t give up x*x

[Trueblue]

Thanks Hetty! Yeah i was thinking of another route and it is all temporary. Just one day at a time. So hard he is being so nice and attentive and im thinking is it me? Am i the mean one? Maybe he has changed? Xx

[Trueblue]

I just keep going round and round in circles in my head. Oh he is nice now and has been ‘nice’ since i said id stay. Am i breaking up family being selfish? Arghhh xx

[gettingtired]

It can be a real emotional rollercoaster. Have you tried journalling? If not it will help for you to see the patterns. I expect your partner dictates how the mood will be for the day. Someone on here told me that abusers take great pleasure in dictating what kind of day we’re going to have and it’s true. Mine can bounce out of bed, singing in the shower and want to go out for the day together or be in a foul mood the moment he wakes up and accuse me of being xy or z, stomp about and blank me etc. xx

[Trueblue]

Yes i had been journalling and stopped for some reason, when i asked break up first time and he started acting better. But i must keep on as there are patterns. Yes! Always feel like that, then if he is happy and im not he is all upset! But he hasnt had these mood swings since ive had conversation to break up. Must keep reading! Thank you x*x

[Author]

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