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    • #12482
      Kaza
      Participant

      Can anyone make me feel better in myself. I went through a (detail removed by Moderator) year physical and mentally abusive relationship. I had a good job at the (detail removed by Moderator) and ended up not working for (detail removed by Moderator) years. Eventually after seeing Psychiatrists, Psychologists etc. I went on the freedom programme which turned my life around, and eventually I got rid of him and got back into the (detail removed by Moderator). I am now (detail removed by Moderator) years old and met a man (detail removed by Moderator) years ago on an internet dating site. At first I thought it seemed great, and I helped him off alcohol, he got his driving licence back after been done for drink driving, and started his own (detail removed by Moderator) business, but after (detail removed by Moderator) and a half long years, I realized I was back in an abusive relationship, so I sold my house, had an eye op that went wrong, and am off work with anxiety and depression, but still he contacts me and makes me feel sorry for him and (detail removed by Moderator). I have found out he has cheated, lied and deceived me to the core. My confidence and self esteem are so low. I am down to go on the Freedom programme again, but I just cant believe I have repeated the pattern and gone back into another abusive relationship. When I look back the red flags were there but I just didnt seem to register. I feel suicidal and depressed. Has anyone else done the same and is there hope for me.

    • #12492
      Ayanna
      Participant

      Big hugs!
      You are not alone in this.
      There is a reason why we keep choosing the wrong men and I am convinced this roots in our childhood.
      Also, these abusers hide their true faces for a long time and when we wake up it is too late already.
      You need to build your confidence up.
      I decided to stay away from men and build my life the way I want it. I want to live in abundance and happiness. This is not possible with a man for me.
      One big NO is a man who is needy or who has problems that he cannot solve all by himself. Also are men a big NO who have not achieved anything in their lives at a certain age.
      You are probably a woman who never had a high self esteem and felt appreciated when she was needed and when she could help someone to improve, forgetting all about herself. Many of us have this problem. That’s why we fall for these needy helpless men, who are actually a waste of space. These men choose women with a low self esteem. They lay into us and we think they love us when they take our support and money.
      That’s why I suggest that you work on your confidence.
      Something happened early in your life.
      It is not your fault and you should never blame yourself.
      You need to find out what happened and what this did to you in order to understand yourself and to leave this pattern.
      It is very difficult to get therapy. But in our cases long term therapy would be the best way forward.
      I read psychology books and just started to do guided meditation and learn to undo my unhealthy patterns of behavior. This was cheaper than expected and the material is so much, it will take me ages to go through it and do all the exercises.
      Please promise me that you do not do anything regrettable.
      Call Women’s Aid and the Samaritans. You may feel terrible now, but this will pass. Things will get better again.
      Go zero contact with that man. Cut him out, call the police if he does not leave you alone. It is very important to get away from their influence. After a few weeks you will notice the change in you.
      Make plans, what you want to achieve. Do you want to get back into work?
      I needed to work to have some normality after I fled. At work I forgot about my ordeal.
      What happened with your eye op? Do you need stronger glasses now? This happened to someone I know too.
      Keep posting and take care.
      Remember, you are not alone with this. x*x

    • #12504
      Kaza
      Participant

      Thank you so much for your kind words Ayanna. It really has helped me and given me food for thought. I realise you are so right in what you said that my self esteem went up when I felt needed. I think that is where my thought processes are wrong. Your words “this is not possible with a man for me” was a light bulb moment for me, as I realise that is where I am and I need to build my confidence up. You are right I just wanted to be loved and needed and certain men have a radar for women with low self esteem. My eye situation is ongoing, and I will update you. I am taking each day one step at a time.

      Once again thank you so much. I keep reading what you have said to me as it makes me feel better and makes me realise its not my fault. I just feel so humiliated and embarrassed that even after the freedom programme I still fell into the trap, even though my kids and people said he was using me.

    • #12507
      godschild
      Participant

      Hi Kaza, I agree with Ayanna about our childhood affecting our choices, my Dad was abusive to my mom and I know I have very low self esteem due to things that happened in my childhood.
      Firstly anyone can be hoodwinked by abusers they appear so nice and caring initially and then keep a cycle of being nicer then abuse. I know a Lady who had three abusers, her first was he Husband, he left her then she met another verbal abuser then yet another, they were all nice to start with. The latest one , she really felt she had met a decent Man but he turned out the same, don’t blame yourself.
      I also see now that I have had several “friendships ” that were manupulating and they used me for themselves, its like we are kind and caring and people and they use us, Ive woken up now to it and have cut people off, I just see a pattern in my relationships that I have put up with more than I ever should have, you can’t always see it at the time but get the help call Womens aid, saty on here and read other s experiences, it helps to keep you focused on the truth. It is not your fault at all

    • #12516
      Kaza
      Participant

      Thank you Godschild. I am so glad I have found this site and it is really helping me. You are right at the age of (detail removed by Moderator) I have now seen the pattern my relationships have took. Its true I couldnt see it at the time, but my emotions said one thing and my gut said another. I will now always follow my gut instinct. Its just scary to think that such evil manipulative men exist. I know it takes a long time to get to know someone, but what worries is me is the abuse has not show up until I have known someone for a year on average, by which time I am already took in. Im too scared to ever get involved with anyone again.

    • #12518
      Serenity
      Participant

      I think the thing that makes us change and stop being vulnerable to these people, is to stop thinking that our worth exists in pleasing people.

      For some reading, we are all people pleasers here. We worry more about what people think of us than our own happiness and health.

      We typically choose people who,are selfish, greedy and never happy, who demand and demand and bleed us dry, and for some reason we feel we need put up with it and prove ourselves.

      After four decades, I have realised that the priority is to be yourself, and to be true to yourself, and live out your purpose.

      If you find someone on the same wavelength who loves you as you are, appreciates your qualities, all well and good. But I will never try to ‘prove’ my worth by flagellating myself and making a servant and ski by and victim of myself to anyone again.

      Why? Because we must believe in our own worth,our own charisma, our own value, interestingness, specialness…..

      We must stop putting other people on pedestals, and place ourselves on a pedestal equal to others!

    • #12524
      Ayanna
      Participant

      Serenity, I agree with every word you say! You are so right!

      As women we receive an education from child on to be humble and quiet and selfless. This is the root of all evil.
      As women we are warrior queens and we are beautiful and powerful. We can change the world and we can do whatever we want.

    • #12527
      Serenity
      Participant

      Sorry for my typing errors:

      I meant

      For some reason, we are all people pleasers here

      Making a servant and skivvy and victim of myself

    • #12536
      Confused123
      Participant

      Hi HUn

      Welcome to site , u will find loads of support on here. Dont feel embrassed u r in the same scenario again, its not u , its these men, be proud u have recognised the situationu r in, get help again and get out . You got out of it once, and its good u felt u were ready to move on into another realtionship,its not your fault an abuser targerted you again, these men are just good and putting this fake act on , im sure some men out there r decent, we just keep pulling wrong men in. After being with an abuser i think u r on guard, and look cause of your first abuser u have pick up this guy behaviour is wrong too, u yourself have realized u have value and u dont need to take this cr*p of him, call the helpline n*d get the help u need

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