So ashamed of what things have become

[Starmoon]

My heads a constant whirl wind of not knowing what to think or believe. I’ve spent so long trying to placate him that I’ve lost my self and my self respect.
My children have seen far too much. Regardless of who was to blame, I should’ve binned him off the first time he walked out. I shouldn’t have let my children see my crying and begging him not to leave. I’m so so ashamed that I have lost all my self respect and begged a mentally and physically abusive man not to leave me. How pathetic of me and how selfish to put my children threw it. How did I become this person that I don’t recognize?!
The police have been involved in the past with his violence.. I saw a solicitor last year too and an injunction was threatened but I had a mental brake down and for some messed up reason- I believed I was to blame and it was me with the problem. I had crisis team involved, community mental health and I was put on antidepressants.. And I took him back. At this point life seemed perfect but really I was spending my whole time trying to placate him and make him happy but it seems nothing I did worked. He left me again and I broke down again initially believing it was my fault. I’m having a moment of clarity now and wondering how on earth I let this sham go on for so long.. But how I could miss and be so in love with someone who has dragged me down to the lowest depths and physically hurt me. I’ve had social services call me a couple of times to check up on the situation and I feel utterly sick that im in this situation. That I let a man do this!!

[Hopesprings]

First of all *hug* none of this is easy and what you’re feeling is normal.

You are not to blame for any of this. abusive relationships are extremely complex and these men are really good at making you feel like you don’t know whether you’re coming or going.

Breaking free is an extremely difficult process and sometimes it does take a few attempts. No one on here judges you.

Abuse chips away at your self esteem. But the good news is you can begin to rebuild it. Please access all support that’s available to you and keep posting. Xx

[Lisa]

Hi Starmoon,

Please don’t blame yourself, you never did anything wrong. Your ex partner specialised in twisting everything and manipulating you to do what he wanted. He is a pro at it and he knows exactly what to do and what to say to get to you. Please don’t look back and have regrets, just look forward. Maybe you needed to go back one more time to know that this is a toxic person and not a good situation for you, or a person worth you spending your life with. Rather than looking back and thinking ‘how could I have let this happen?’, try and think what a sad and pathetic person he is that he treats people in this way and look at how much you have learnt from your experience. You might not be able to fully see it yet as it is all very fresh but in time you will come out much stronger than you went in.

Keep pushing forward Starmoon. You have already come so far. You are heading in the right direction.

Best wishes

Lisa

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