So close but so far from being free

[cupcakes]

I can’t take much more I’ve asked him to leave 3 times and he won’t go.

I have had years of verbal and emotional abuse from him and its just not stopping. We have decided to split up and starting meetings next week to sort out our finances and the children. But the abuse is still happening.

I have asked if he would stay with his mom until everything gets sorted and he can sort another house for him and the boys to stay over. He just won’t even though he continues to all his abuse which is affecting me and the children.

I feel like I am living a nightmare every day and feel frightened all the time and dread what he will say next.

I am not sure how long the process will take but living like this is just horrible and I just don’t understand why he won’t go as he knows it’s over. It’s like he wants to drag it out as much as possible to get his last week’s or months of making my life hell.

[Anonymous]

Hi It is horrible to live like that, I am away but the last few years was exactly like you describe. I was unable to talk about how he scared me, I tried to over the years but he would not listen ever, he would not communicate or talk about problems except tell me he wished I was dead, if I didn’t like it to fk off, where would I be now if it wasn’t for him, once I’d gone first help to escape I became terrified, he was a complete controller, I spent hours out in the garden to keep away from him, thus included in the middle of winter too. Anything I could to avoid his rantings & ravings. I was even terrified to just go,  phone contact, that is what terrified me, I’d been subject to his abuse years, had got away and yet was still concerned he’d be okay, the telephone calls were exactly like it had been at home years nice to manic, Jeckyl and Hyde, death threats on his sister but telling me, then furious rages at me, I asked back then are you ok, He would get manic “questions questions fn questions” he beyond terrified me, was absolutely vile yet I still felt guilty for leaving! I would beg anyone to go no contact, I hope & pray for you that he goes soon, but meanwhile do all you can to avoid being in his company, I also used to go to another room, I know what you are experiencing is awful to live with. I also got scared to sleep, and for the last few years struggled to function, was being physically sick, daily headaches, facial numbness, numbness in my arms, hands, migraines all from living in a constant state of dread & having to live by his ridiculous rules. Also his constant threats, he’d fk off if things didn’t drastically improve, yet I’d done nothing wrong, except Say no to sex as he’d threatened it was OK to sleep with prostitutes and he’d joined dating websites. He told me years it was my duty to open my fn legs when he wanted it, to s*** his c*** on demand, I even got told he would not do anything unless he was repaid with sex. I was told I’d be traded in for a younger model too
That last but is awful, they know you have seen through them & the abuse gets dangerous, it heightens to a daily level of treading on eggshells 24/7 thoughts with you, I hope you can be free of him ASAP Living that nightmare is awful x

[Unhappydesperate]

I completely understand. I am in the same position but I have been living like this for (detail removed by moderator) months as my husband refuses to move out.
He has totally brainwashed /alienated /isolated my three young children from me and the situation is toxic. How I have coped, I have no idea. I also work full time (detail removed by moderator)  so it’s all very full-on.
I’ve been accused of all sorts from committing adultery which isn’t true to having a mental breakdown to being unbalanced. I’d like to know when I’ve had those as I’ve put up with being emotionally abused for (detail removed by moderator) years!!
I’ve now been told by him that he wants sole custody of my three children when Ive been thr some carer for (detail removed by moderator)years while he’s been socislising /drinnking /living the life of a single man, oh he wants the house too. I’m getting to the stage that I can’t take much more.
(detail removed by moderator) I’m off sick with the flu. He told my (age removed by moderator) old that she wasn’t allowed to put kisses on my birthday card! Heartbreaking!!

I feel desperately sorry for you and would welcome any advice /tips from anyone !!

[Anonymous]

Ps I meant I kept phone contact x

[cupcakes]

unhappydesperate – what you have said sounds similar to mine, I have been accused of having an affair, of being depressed, being mentally unstable, he has told me I make him feel physically sick, his accused me of fraud and told me I will come worse off and he will ruin me….

[Unhappydesperate]

Hello cupcake
It’s a desperate situation and it’s been described as “toxic “. I’m watching my kids being abused and there is nothing that I can do or say to stop him. He’s been divorced before, has two kids from a previous marriage and now the show is on the ither foot, that’s what he’s doing and it’s wrong !
I’m not the kind of person that asks for help but I’ve tried contacting all kinds of people but come up again st brick walls the whole time. There’s no support out there and I think that I. Don’t be the only woman going through this.
Clearly from reading posts on here, I’m not.
The women’s aid national helpline has been amazing thank goodness 😀

[Lisa]

Hi Cupcakes,

Please phone the helpline. They can talk to you about all your options. You do not have to continue living in this situation and this could be a dangerous time for you to stay sharing the same property as now that he knows that it is over he may well get desperate and the abuse may escalate. I know it doesn’t seem fair that you might be the one to leave the property but I would consider if you have anywhere that you could go for a short time and try and get an occupation order out against him, particularly if you have evidence of his abuse. I would also log his behavior with the Police on 101, it is evidence that you may very well need to keep him away from the children later down the line..

You are being so brave and doing so well so please keep your head up and remember that none of this is your fault. Phone the helpline for advice and do not let him know what you are planning.

We are all here for you.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[cupcakes]

His abuse is just emotional abuse though and I don’t feel it is strong enough to call the police or would stand up for an occupational order. The only threats he makes are to destroy me not to physically harm me or the children in anyway.

I am not sure if this is allowed but we are starting (detail removed by moderator) to sort out the children access and the financial issues and I am so confused right now as to whether I am doing the right thing. He says he will be amicable and will put the children first but I am not sure. He knows he needs to eventually leave and that I will have the children in the house but I don’t understand why he just doesn’t go while we sort things out.

[cupcakes]

Blueberry, thank you for your comments I am glad that you are now away as it sounds awful what you went through. I hope you are now doing well

[Serenity]

Cupcakes:

It’s worth trying to get some kind of protective order. I got one, based very much on his threats to destroy me, as they could see it was affecting my mental health.

Unhappy Desperate: Don’t buckle. His idea of what is reasonable and what he’s entitled to is totally different from the judge’s or child services’ idea of what he’s entitled to.

Keep on going. One day, he won’t be able to affect you as much, and one day you won’t have to be in contact at all. Hang on to that.

[Unhappydesperate]

Thank you serenity
How I have stood living like this for (detail removed by moderator) months is beyond me. But I’ve done it for my three children. In a very patient person and people have said that I have the patience of a saint, but I’ve had enough now. This waiting game is taking far too long!!

[cupcakes]

That’s how I feel I have put up with it for years because of the children and then one day enough was enough but then it’s finding the strength to do something about it because for all those years your confidence and self esteem has been destroyed by the person who you once loved..

I am interested in knowing more about how I can get him out while things are being sorted as this is really bad for my children

[Twisted Sister]

ihope you are ok, and i just wanted to add (apologies if already said)… like Lisa said about escalation i think.

please don’t undervalue the ’emotional/psychological’ abuse thinking it to be perhaps less than actual violence, one escalates to the other extremely quickly, especially when any other options at keeping the relationship seem to have vanished, like now.

be safe and keep it to yourself but make your plans with supportive friends/family. Its not likely that any planning meetings will work, as he is still the same person, nothing has changed for him, except he perhaps has even less reason to try to limit his actions now.

x*x warmest wishes ks xx

[Author]

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