SO CONFUSED

[NOCLUE]

Hello everyone
I have been going through domestic violence against myself for the last (detail removed by moderator).
I have also grown up with my mother being abused for (detail removed by moderator).

So not really the best 🙁
Now I am here as I am so alone ……
I have lost everything several times over with my now X again partner. I was a successful business woman with my own (detail removed by moderator)  and home car happy child etc you know the normal life…. Until I met him!
He started abusing me after a very short time. I dont even know how I allowed it or allow it.
I think I was vulnerable from a previous relationship and he was nice to me when we met very nice and had an interest in my son etc I thought Id met a cutie.

Fast forwarding I was moved a couple times for my saftey and my sons but he kept finding me and breaking in my house etc so I wasnt allowed to keep my son anymore as i couldnt keep us safe 🙁
anyway I then ran away to a different country as I had nothing left and wanted to be alive….. However he found me and wormed his way back in 🙁 He then joined me and within (detail removed by moderator) was beating me…… I returned to the UK and kept all this a secret pretending to be meeting my family like a holiday…… when really i was planning how to get away and keep it all ok.
However this didnt happen he locked me in (detail removed by moderator) where he lives and beat me all night, he then gave me this tablet that he said was for pain I didnt want to have it but he was beating me so I took it, he had one too and it makes you very tired really unable to move really super stumbly if you try to.
Anyway he fell asleep and I got out while he slept.

Since then (detail removed by moderator) I ran away again ….. I really hope he doesnt find me, I know your thinking y not the police etc but I tried that b4 and it caused me great stress to the point of suicide so I dont.

I have been gone (detail removed by moderator) and every day I get a new sim card messaging my phone maybe 5 a day with him declaring his love for me etc ……
Why wont he leave me alone?? I mean a break up is so hard anyway but why?
Im really struggling as im alone heartbroken confused why even tho this guy treats me like absolute s**t and beats me to near death WHY do i still love him, I dispise him but I feel heart broke. I feel this connection keeps drawing me back but I know its not real! I understand everything he is doing is a game to him but I cant stop these feelings 🙁 How can I make it go away ? I just want a normal life again I want to be able to go anywhere freely again see my family and friends have my son back I am just a mess please can anyone relate ? I need any kind of advise /hope of getting over this.

Sorry for the long message I just am truly hurting and struggling and I want to be happy again.
Thank you

 

 

[Hazydayz]

Oh…NOCLUE.I have just seen your post and must reply. ask are you safe? Are you in a safe place? I’m so sorry your in this position, and I’m worried about you. I had to reply to you even though I cannot give you any understanding of how to deal with the horror of what you are going through, without directing you to the police! I’m sorry you don’t want to hear that, as you mentioned you have bad experience of this but It is important for your protection! Your hopefully going to have a better outcome this time? My other advice is to contact women’s aid for help and support, and refuge! I have this idea of you living rough on the street? With no support? Alone and vulnerable. I really hope this isn’t the case? But it’s preferable to being with your abuser I would say, Even though I wouldn’t advocate that as a safe life either! You really really need help right now! Please contact those in place to provide help and allow them to protect you. Find safety and stay safe away from the horror of your abuser please! You will be able to understand in time…WHY? You keep feeling for this monster you say you love? But I promise you, his treatment of you cannot mean he loves you! I think maybe? the reason you feel loves? hold over you is…that you want him to love you not hurt you! But this is what you can expect you know that don’t you? Please don’t go back go forward…to a safe life! a better life! With your son in time! Very best wishes to yourself for help and support and love from genuine caring souls who are out there waiting to offer you all the support and help you need! Just have trust and faith this time is different.please stay in touch here… Bless you and good luck. 💞

[Hazydayz]

P.S. I forgot to say welcome to you, I’m sorry. But you are truly welcome here. Your not alone here with us. We are all here to support you and each other. Help you… find safety. Please find it now💞

[Eggshells]

Hi NOCLUE,

Welcome to the forum.

First of all, well done for getting away. It sounds to me like a feat of extraordinary strength and courage. Now that you have done that, you need to access immediate help.

Please ditch the phone. If you don’t have it, he can’t contact you. It’s possible he has put a tracker on it so it will be unsafe to keep it. If it’s an expensive model a second hand phone store or cash converters might help you to swap it but you need to get rid of the phone and the SIM.

Then head to Boots (the high street chemist) and ask to use their safe room. They should have the telephone numbers of the helplines that you need. This is the National Domestic Abuse helpline 0808 2000 247. Boots should also be able to provide you with a phone to use. If they don’t, ask for one. Make it clear to the charities that you need urgent help and that you are in fear for your safety.

Once you have made the initial phone call to the National DA helpline, I suspect they will give you a local number to phone to get local support. These are the people that you will come to rely on. Again, make it clear that you are calling from a Boots Saferoom and that you need urgent help.

Good luck. I’ll be thinking of you. Please let us know how you get on. xx

[Beautifulday]

It sounds like you’ve had a terrible time and are still going through it 🙁 Im going to completely agree with hazydayz and say you definitely need to contact the police again, if you explain whats been happening they have to take this seriously, were you able to take photos of any bruises / marks he made? I say this as its all evidence to show the police and later in court if it goes to court. He should be locked up for what he’s put uou through, not only violence but taking you hostage and locking you in that’s also an offence.

I would also get in touch with wa to sort out refuge, he will not know where you are.
If possible can you not change your phone number? Hhe won’t know this then? ..if he found you im assuming he wormed his way back in through lovebombing texts and calls?if this is the case you need to get a new number completely block him off everything, even delete all your social media temporarily if needs be, you need to go no contact S this is the only way.

[Wiseafter]

Hi Noclue welcome, you are so amazing to go through what you have gone through and find your way somehow away from him again. You shine with your determination to be with your son. If you want that you will make it happen because you are now in control. You are the power. There is nothing wrong with you, you are not alone and you are not at fault, or to blame. The situations we face are unique but most of us will recognise the strength and power of the trauma bond and dependency that exists with our abuser and how that feels and the lengths they will go to hoover us back in. It takes courage to break free of that and it is hard so don’t beat yourself up, look what you have achieved already! You are doing so well. Change your number, give it out only to those you trust and go no contact. Read about abuse (check out the booklist on this site and spend some time looking at past posts because there is alot of useful advice from women who have gone before us) to get yourself as educated as possible about what you are facing and what your mind and body are going through and how to get your son back. Step by step. Day by day. Be safe and get support to understand your feelings of dependency so that you can heal and move forward. x

[NOCLUE]

Hello thanks everyone for responding. I’m not sure whether I have to type to all of you at once or you will all see the reply :/
So in reply to some of your concerns I am currently in another country AGAIN trying to set my life up without him knowing where I am again.
I do not want to get any authorities involved again I just cant cope with it.
If however he finds me again I will tell the police that he wont stop following me this time but I hope He never does,
I changed my number etc but the problem is I teach online and he keeps getting new ways of messaging me, New sims new accounts etc …… I have not responded once which I know its only been (detail removed by moderator) but the hundreds of messages I had and all his different tactics I would have crumbled by now so for that I am a little proud of myself. However it still makes me cry because of the horrid love feeling I have , I want it to go away because I know it is no good.
Also I have a question ? What is it they want ? Why do they just follow you everywhere until they get you again and when they do they can be so evil??
I mean why don’t they just move on, I really really cant understand that part.
sorry for rambling on I really just am sad and lonely and clueless of these emotions
Thank you all for your support already, It honestly means so much !!

 

 

[Wiseafter]

Hi, I read in ‘Psychopath Free’ by Jackson Mackenzie (such a good book) that they want ‘supply’ in terms of energy and emotion to feed off. They want to feel the power of control and they get that from contact and being manipulative. No contact appears to be the only way. If you get away but they still think they can get you to respond it won’t work, even telling them ‘leave me alone’ is enough for them to feed off. The ‘love’ feeling is the bond they create with you early on that fixes you into a cycle of dependency and keeps you hooked and springing back against your better judgement. It is to do with chemical reactions in your brain similar to addiction, as much as anything. It is similar to what can happen in a hostage situation too. Stockholm Syndrome I think it is called. I recommend reading the book though and his YouTube vids are helpful too.

[NOCLUE]

Hi again
thank you for that information I will check that out in a moment. I have been not responding at all which im not going to lie is really really hard but im doing it.
He has been hacking anything he can emails and changing my passwords through that, hes been trying to be super nice a little threatening and also blaming….
I am so tired its very draining and painful 🙁
I really feel sad about it today but I am not giving into my love feelings because we know what comes next 🙁
I really wish he would just move on instead of following me around the world I mean come on its crazy and so desperate !!!!!! embarrassing in fact but why does he not care that he looks this way?
Sorry just airing my thoughts as they enter my head :/

I also notice a pattern with myself, im so angry upset and certain i hate him when he does bad things to me and I escape. But as i recover its like I forget or something I mean I havent forgotten but y am I not experiencing that still how on earth can I miss a monster. I hate myself for these feelings and being so weak to allow my mind to try and trick me that its love.
I really wish I knew that id be better soon 🙁
But hard when he wont stop trying to find me 🙁
Anyway not sure any of that made sense but helped writing it lol

[Hazydayz]

Hi again NOCLUE🙂 Just found you…it’s o.k! What you described is normal to many here. It does help to come here and off load doesn’t it! Anytime you need to! Bad days are best here! Someone will come along, find you, even if it’s a little later. Keep safe! Keep moving in the right direction! You’ll get there! 💞

[NOCLUE]

So unfortunately he has found me, he hacked my email account and god knows what else and knew where I was straight away. So I have literally yesterday just signed a contract for a year for a new apartment and now he turns up in the street (detail removed by moderator). I have continually told him I dont want to be with him but all he says is Im being nasty for no reason and I have bipolar and im (detail removed by moderator). No I just want you to leave me alone omg!!!!!
He is mental all the love stories coming out and he says he will follow me everywhere as hes not giving up on us. Like what is wrong with him I left the country (detail removed by moderator) and he followed me now he says he lives here 🙁 he wont go with out a proper conversation , but I know that is just him ignoring me and him telling me how we are together ……. This is so hard !!

[NOCLUE]

oh and he says hes paid some guy to track my online presence so he can find me anywhere whenever ….. Is this real?

[LozzyX]

Morning Noclue

Im so so sorry to hear he has tracked you down…you have been so aware and so strong to get to this stage…ignore his evil twisted words, please contact the authorities, you need to get out quick and you need support to help you….ignore material things , the apartment , everything , you need to get safe from this horrible and dangerous man.

[Lisa]

Hi NOCLUE

I just wanted to show you some support. I can see that LozzyX has given you some really good advice here, please consider calling the police.

It is really concerning that he has found you and I am really worried for your safety. You don’t owe him a conversation so please don’t let him into your home.

Please have a read here about staying safe online to see if you can get some safety tips about digital stalking: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/onlinesafety/

Take care and please keep posting to let us know how you are,

Lisa

[NOCLUE]

Hello thank you for your messages…..

I am so tired of running away I dont want to do it again as he just finds me! I wont leave my home again its pointless, I am in a shared accommodation at the min until my apartment is ready. He has been bombarding me with messages that he has come here to talk and he will do what hes come for. He has a friend that works for (detail removed by moderator) here that he is staying with im not sure what he does but he is using him to look at my files he says.
(detail removed by moderator) he turned up at the shared house im at after hundreds of messages of me telling him stay away but then i heard him saying hello. He promised to go after just talking and he was here so I said ok. He actually just looked moody and said to me sit down I said im fine standing and then he said hes not talking to this person I am he will speak when im (detail removed by moderator) and Im the real me, I walked off and then he tried following me into the shared house but the woman saw and told him to leave, He says he will keep coming and coming until he gets what he wants and he will follow me anywhere.
I have contacted my old IDVA in England and I hope that she will be able to send proof of past violence etc if I need a restraining order here?? Im so scared of doing that I am so scared I just don’t want to go to court so I never ever do it. But im trying to get my things at least in place in case I am brave enough. I just feel absolutely ill even thinking of it for a second and it sets my PTSD off instantly. He says he has a video of me kicking him also ….. Now I sometimes do fight back I mean it gets me more beats but sometimes I do. What he always does is hide phones recording in places and films the noise or whatever and makes it sound like im mad. like saying stuff to make me shout and then hitting me and then saying i’ve hit him but because its only audio no-one will no things like that. so this scares me that if I finally get the strength to do it he will make me look like the abuser and Ill be in trouble. Has anyone else faced this? I am terrified of it all.
I wish I was so brave I wish I was free. How can this ever stop ?? Why cant he just go away. He manipulates everyone to thinking hes nice and i’m in the wrong and then they help him.
I am rambling again but I dont know what to do Im so scared and Im so tired of this.

[Lisa]

Hi Noclue,

I know it’s been suggested but what about going into refuge? The locations are kept confidential and you’d get a support worker in the refuge to help you with anything else practical you needed.

Women’s Aid support workers can search for current refuge vacancies via the Live Chat which is open Saturday and Sunday mornings 10am-12pm, or you can call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247 and a helpline worker can also search for you.

Please do call the police if you need,

Lisa

[Beautifulday]

@NOCLUE
I am really worried for your safety after everything you have just said, as mentioned by Lisa please join the live chat tommorow morning or call your local womens aid as soon as you can as they will find you refuge, he will not be able to find you! You need to think of your safety he is a very dangerous man and by the sounds of it capable of anything and very unpredictable. Its stalking so you really need to seek refuge. I really hope you are OK and please keep posting on here if you can to let us know how you are doing and the updates ok, you are not alone x*x

[NOCLUE]

Hello everyone
so sorry for late reply.
I have seen my X in person and he was so nice and understanding the first time then I saw him again he wasn’t nice and he wouldn’t let me go home, he stole my (detail removed by moderator) so I had no way of leaving and kept chasing me and picking me up and making me go in his house, just so he could call me every name under the sun for hours and threaten to kill my family if I get him done.
I had to just take it pretend I was ok with him the next day so he would let me go and have my stuff back.
when I got home he started trying to say he wants to see me. I said no and basically all day told me he will do as he wants and he will follow me everywhere everyday I will see him everyday Im not disregarding him, I’ve made him ill etc etc
Then he started saying he was coming to where I was staying so I told the owner to throw him out if he turned up.
later on I was locked in my bedroom and lights off he was sending messages saying he was coming and then I saw him through my window …. so I hid in the corner of the room so he couldn’t see the light on my phone and texted the owner to say hes here. He broke into my room through the (detail removed by moderator) window when he was in here I said id rang the police and a minute later the owner knocked on the door and he jumped off through the (detail removed by moderator) window thinking its the police. no I get emails threatening public humiliation etc …….
I am going to be brave for me and go seek advice regarding a restraining order today.
Im so scared I feel guilty for some reason all kind of weird emotions….
But I cant continue this life . Its awful. Ill message later to update.
Thanks for all your concerns

 

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