So confused

[she-ra]

Hello lovelies,

I have been reading your stories for a while and finally feel brave enough to post, you are all so strong and reading your stories I’m amazed by how many of us suffer the same way. As I write this he has taken my children against my wishes to visit his family, this is becoming more common as he is lying to his family about me and making himself the victim. He tells them that I hit him, that I am mentally unstable, that I use the children as emotional teddy bears and that I am abusive. It’s shocking and I feel so utterly confused about what I should do. Background is a very very long time in an abusive relationship. It started with the jealousy and control, I haven’t worn make up or clothes I would choose for longer than I can remember. Then sexual abuse, making me do things I didn’t want to but was too scared to refuse or he would be angry with me and break things, this has evolved to rape. He will demand things and if I don’t want to do them he mentally/verbally abuses me and keeps me awake till I finally just give in for a quiet life. The verbal/mental abuse has been there forever the names I am called on a daily basis don’t seem so shocking anymore it’s just the way it is, everything I do is wrong, if only I would listen and do as I was told it wouldn’t be like this. The physical violence started as pushing, shoving, grabbing, squeezing to leave bruises. It has escalated over the last year to punching in the face, stomach, legs, arms, slapping me round the face, kicking me, slamming my ankle in the door over and over, you know how the story goes. As I write this I don’t know why I am still here really. He threatens to kill my parents, he threatens to kill me, he tells the children he will kill me – snap my neck, tear my head off etc. I want him to leave, I pay for everything in the house, all of the bills, everything. I have asked him to leave, I think the violence escalated as he knew I was gearing up to leave. I don’t want to live like this anymore, I am beyond caring about myself anymore I just want my babies to be safe, they shouldn’t live like this, no one should and they need to be safe. I feel ashamed of myself that I am staying and allowing them to witness this, why am I so scared? I don’t want to be scared anymore. He says if I leave he will kill me, my parents and himself so the children will have to go into care. He says lots of things, he says he will tell social services I am an unfit mother and they will take the children away from me. My babies are my life, everything I do is for them I may be many things but a bad mum is not one of them. I just don’t know what to do. It is so surreal, it’s like it happens to someone else. I am so hurt that he has gone to his family and lied about me and they believe him, talking about me in front of my children and saying things about me is horrific. I have never told anyone, I don’t want the police involved I just want him to go away. I’m so sorry it’s so confusing, I guess that’s just where my head is at to moment. Thank you so much for anyone who takes the time to read this.xxxx

[KIP.]

Hello and welcome. As you will have read on other posts their behaviours are very similar. Even the threats they use. They are pathalogical liars. I found out later that my ex had been talking about me behind my back. Making himself out to be the victim. Your first stop should be your local womens aid. They can give you options with out pressure. I recorded the final attack on my phone as he always told me nobody would believe me. Can you confide in your GP? You really need to tell someone, have your injuries documented. From your post i can tell that your head understands that this is dangerous abuse but your heart and emotions are confused. Have you read about trauma bonding? Fear Obligation and Abuse. FOG. These are the tactics they use. Can you afford to rent somewhere else for you and your kids? If you want to stay there, which is what i did, the police can remove him and you can get a non mol order through the civil courts. Evidence of his abuse is needed. Make no mistake, these men do not know how to be reasonable so be very careful and dont let him know what youre doing. There is a helpline number on here to talk things through. Theyre a great start x

[she-ra]

Thank you so much for your reply KIP and taking the time to read. You are absolutely right I know in my head that this has to stop and it is not acceptable but I worry so much about whether I am making the right decision for my children, you have those thoughts don’t you that they should have a home with mum and dad etc, but not like this. They are getting older and they know that this is not ok, my eldest especially. I am petrified if I stay that my boys will think they can do this and my girls will accept this when they are older. I haven’t read about the suggestions but will do. We are both on the tenancy agreement but I pay the rent, I always have. The children want to stay in the house as we live in a lovely community near their friends, school etc. He says he will leave when he can afford to buy his own place and that I should buy it for him, or if I clear all of his debt then he will leave, I know in my heart he will never leave. I work full time but rent is very expensive locally so not sure if they would accept me on my own? What sort of evidence do I need? I have photos. You are right he is not reasonable or stable at all, to me it is so logical, the children don’t deserve this so leave, but he won’t go and I for some reason cannot seem to get up the courage to just walk out the door. I worry if I stay there and have him removed that he will come and smash the door/windows etc and he will try and take the children from school etc without me knowing as he obviously has PR. I really want to get legal advice so I know where I stand re the children, I don’t want anything from him, nothing, I just want full custody of my children and I don’t want them to see him if they don’t want to. I’ve phoned the number 3 times previously but always hang up, I’m so scared of saying it out loud, how ridiculous, it’s like if I don’t say it out loud it isn’t real. x

[KIP.]

Most solicitors offer free initial advice which you should do. Also, Rights for Women offer free legal advice if you could google and ring them. My ex made all sorts of fake promises, always changing the goal posts. He went nowhere and never had any intention. I know how scary it is but theyre not so brave when faced with the police. Ask if the tennancy can be put in your sole name? As for the evidence needed, a solicitor will clarify that. Proof of domestic abuse. A statement, witness, police record, photos etc. I know how you feel about saying it out loud and how scarey it is. That comes with abuse and the fear of consequences. If you can just think of it as a fact finding mission. Youre just getting initial advice, you dont have to act upon it but its important you know the real truth. Not the truth he tells you x i dont regret phoning the police on him. My son was older but witnessed the abuse and now knows there are consequences for that kind of behaviour.

[Lisa]

Hi She ra,

Welcome to the forum! I am so pleased that you have posted and that you have already got some lovely support. We are all here for you and you should be very proud of yourself for reaching out for help. The first thing I want to stress is that you are not to blame for this situation but that only you can change it. As I know you are aware, your situation sounds very dangerous and there are lots of high risk factors that you mention which I am concerned about. You and your children deserve so much to be safe and happy and there are options that are available to you. Please do try the helpline, that will be a brilliant first start and they will help you, as will your local Women’s Aid group. To be honest, it sounds like you have enough evidence that if you wanted to phone the Police they could probably take some immediate action against him as he is threatening to kill you and your family as well as physically abusing you, sexually abusing you and subjecting you to a huge level of control that is leading you to lead a very compromised existence. You deserve so much to be free and I really hope this is your first steps to freedom.

Please remember at all times to not let him know that you are seeking help and support. Phone the helpline when you are away from the house or he is away (perhaps in your lunch break at work) as his abuse may escalate as he realises you are getting stronger.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Lisa]

Hi She ra,

Welcome to the forum! I am so pleased that you have posted and that you have already got some lovely support. We are all here for you and you should be very proud of yourself for reaching out for help. The first thing I want to stress is that you are not to blame for this situation but that only you can change it. As I know you are aware, your situation sounds very dangerous and there are lots of high risk factors that you mention which I am concerned about. You and your children deserve so much to be safe and happy and there are options that are available to you. Please do try the helpline, that will be a brilliant first start and they will help you, as will your local Women’s Aid group. To be honest, it sounds like you have enough evidence that if you wanted to phone the Police they could probably take some immediate action against him as he is threatening to kill you and your family as well as physically abusing you, sexually abusing you and subjecting you to a huge level of control that is leading you to lead a very compromised existence. You deserve so much to be free and I really hope this is your first steps to freedom.

Please remember at all times to not let him know that you are seeking help and support. Phone the helpline when you are away from the house or he is away (perhaps in your lunch break at work) as his abuse may escalate as he realises you are getting stronger.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[lover of no contact]

Welcome she-ra to the Forum. You may feel overwhelmed and how on earth will you manage to get him out or you leave so your abusive relationship will end. A word of advice ring the W.A as suggested and act on the other suggestions. Also post on here as often you need and try and read the posts daily if you can. You will become stronger and empowered to take action despite his threats. I have been where you are now and despite his threats I made the necessary changes to get out of the abusive relationship, despite my huge fear. Believe me I couldn’t have done it without the strength of other posters who had broken free before me. You can do it. We are here for you. You don’t have to do this alone.

Gather as many supports around you, this Forum, W.A., Rights for Women, G.P, solicitors for initial free advice.

[she-ra]

Thank you so much ladies xx your advice and support is very much appreciated. I think the next step like you say is to seek legal advice, I have asked the letting agency to put the tenancy in my sole name, which they said they would but only after he has left the property. I will try Rights for women when I get some time. The week times seem to be calmer as he knows I am at work and the children have a million different activities going on, we try to stay out of the house as much as possible to avoid everything, not always but mostly calmer. It seems to be the weekend and the school holidays that are harder, I guess maybe because we’re all in the house. (detail removed by moderator) I’m so tired of all his mental rubbish, just so tired of it all. The children have started taking it in turns to sleep in my bed, I can only assume as they want to be near me and are worried, I don’t know. But he went on a whole tirade about how it’s weird and I’m weird and they shouldn’t be sleeping in the same bed as me. It’s awful but I feel safer when they’re with me at night as he will sleep on the couch and leave me alone, how ridiculous is this? I find I am the lightest of sleepers now, when he comes upstairs at night to use the bathroom I wake instantly, just waiting to make sure he goes back downstairs and doesn’t come for me. We tiptoe round the house to try not to wake him up so we can have some peace. He has a different body clock to us as he doesn’t work so stays up till the early hours of the morning and then sleeps till lunchtime. The children and I pretty much live upstairs, I try to avoid going downstairs as much as I can which is just so pathetic. He was in an accident quite a while ago which was very serious and I guess over time has made things so much worse. He was never really that physically violent before the accident just controlling and mentally abusive He couldn’t go back to work so has very much made the house his domain as he rarely leaves it. I’m so sorry if it all doesn’t correlate I guess I’m just trying to get things straight in my head. I know things are going to get so ugly, there is no way he will go without a fight. Thank you so much all of you for helping me make the first step – my fact finding mission! xxxxxx

[she-ra]

So here I am 7 months later and still in this relationship. I don’t really know what I’m doing. The physical/sexual abuse has definitely subsided. It has been a good (detail removed by Moderator) months since the last episode. The emotional/financial/verbal abuse continues daily. I am noticing a change in my babies behaviour recently too which is breaking my heart. I have just re read the original post and can’t believe I have done nothing since originally posting last year. I renewed the tenancy and it had to be in both our names as he still lives here. He still says he is going but I’m sure has no real intentions of going, even the children are asking for him to leave now. I enquired about renting a house on my own and was pleased to know that I earn enough to be able to do that, that really gave me hope. So now I am waiting for a house to cone along that might be right for us. Not sure if I can leave my current house before the tenancy is up, but I guess it would just transfer into his name only? I have rung the helpline but always hang up, I want to ring women’s rights to get legal advice about where I stand with the children. So here I am not much further forward but trying. x

[lover of no contact]

Well done she-ra. You are doing fine. Leaving is a process. It takes time and energy to leave. And we have very little time and hardly any energy when living with an abuser and you work full-time! That is great about the fact you can afford to rent a place for you and the children. It can feel overwhelming to make the changes to leave. I found that I said to myself I’ll do one thing each day towards my plan to leave even if that was just coming on here and reading one post. Or decluttering clothes, books, paperwork which would help towards the plan to leave. Another day might be to make the call to Women’s Aid. Or on a busy day maybe to get an early night so I could maintain my strength for my plan to leave. Small steps will get you there. Small steps done daily all add up.

And keep posting on here.

[she-ra]

Thanks so much, you are so right I just feel so exhausted all of the time. I thought it was because I have multiple children, work full time and run round like a headless chicken doing everything. But I think you’re right when living like this you are constantly on alert for every little thing, it is literally draining the life out of me, my mum says to me I just never have any peace and she’s right. There is only peace in the house when he very rarely goes to visit his family, once a week/fortnight. I will aim to do one little thing each day too. x*x

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