So confused

[Rainydays]

Hello
I just need advice.
Have lived with my partner for just over (detail removed by Moderator) years (which haven’t been smooth running as is testament by other posts I have placed).
Now he says he wants us to get married, but married abroad AND I have got to pay for it all – the flights, the wedding, the dress, the suit, the rings, flowers, everything, followed by a honeymoon, and he’s talking about (detail removed by Moderator) weeks. His solution for how I am going to pay for it all – I cash in my pensions (I am over (detail removed by Moderator)).
I have a full-time job which I love – (a) I can’t just take (detail removed by Moderator) weeks out, that’d be my whole annual leave for the year and some b) is it right that I am expected to cash in my pensions to pay for it all and he will contribute nothing?
We have joint savings of over £(detail removed by Moderator) but he won’t allow any of that to be used. Is that right?
On top of which, we have no sex life, apparently I am rubbish at it, he hates the way I dress, do my make-up, dislikes my friends and won’t allow them to visit, life is his way or no way and if I try to stand up to him – he gives me the cold shoulder, didn’t speak to me for the whole of (detail removed by Moderator) because I said I didn’t think it was right that I give up all my pensions now.
And, he says if there is any money left, that’ll allow him to stop working and retire, living off whatever is left of my pension lump sum and any monthly payment, but I’ll carry on working. Is this right?
Please someone tell me what you think, am I wrong? is he right?
Or am I just going crazy? crazier?

[Wants To Help]

Hi Rainydays,

Thank goodness you have posted this and not just made a decision based on panic or coercion.

PLEASE DO NOT MARRY HIM, ANYWHERE, EVER.

OMG! The d**n cheek of this man. You are not crazy at all, he is trying to manipulate you in to believing that you have a future by being legally committed to him, but all this does is ensure he is entitled to your pension at whatever point you get divorced. He is using you for his financial gain completely.

You have joint savings? How come you are not allowed a say in how this is spent then? He is unilaterally making a decision that your jointly owned money cannot be used for your wedding? That is totally wrong. So, he wants to benefit from a nice holiday abroad, new clothes, a legal ceremony that gives him a right to your finances in future, and all at your expense? He’s on a win/win here, no wonder he is putting pressure on you to make this all happen within a few weeks, he’s terrified you’ll see sense and leave him!

Ask yourself why you would want to marry this man? What does he offer you by way of love, support, encouragement, compliments, nurture, satisfaction, contentment, happiness? Can you list anything at all? What is his ultimatum if you refuse to marry him? Hopefully it will be that he will leave you… his threat is to get you to fear being on your own. However, he won’t leave because you are his supply for money going forward. He’s going to rip you off.

If you cash in your pension early you will get a reduced lump sum. It sounds as if you have some financial security behind you to break free from this man and lead a happier life as a single woman. My mum was your age when she left and started again, she’s had a great life and no regrets leaving. She had holidays with other singles, made new friends, took up new hobbies, you’re not too old to do this. We are a similar age and I’m still single and living my best life.

My advice is very strong here with regards to not marrying him. My other advice is to seek some legal advice about separation now, I’m pretty sure if you have no children together and are not married then you get to keep your entire pension because you are NOT married.

xx

[Eyesopening]

Run for the hill’s, this man is using you for everything you have.
Terrible financial abuse is occuring and will continue to occur if you let him.
Great advice above, nothing to add but everything you say screams abuse and just wanted to agree here with Wants to Help xx

[Rainydays]

Firstly – thank you.
Things are just getting so on top of me – some days I hate waking up because it means, it starts all over again.
Every day, there are text messages from him – ‘when am i going to get my pension money’, ‘i am making his life a misery because he wants to stop working and that can’t happen until i release my money’, ‘i am killing him’, ‘his life is a misery because of me’ and so it goes on and on and on – he never gives up. Feel so tired and at the end of the line.
He moved into my home and now says he hates it, doesn’t want to live there, he wants to move – he wants to give up work – he wants to live abroad – he wants and deserves more holidays – and just today, when I said that there was a lot of ‘i want’ from him – he told me yes, because its my life and nobody else thinks about me.
This after I nursed him through (detail removed by Moderator) serious operations, put my life on hold to nurse him for (detail removed by Moderator) years, (thankfully have amazing employers who allowed me compassionate time off) put my work on hold to nurse him, cooked each day and took his food into the hospital, because he wouldn’t eat hospital food, sat with him all day, through the night, cried when he was (detail removed by Moderator) – acted as his nurse, dealing with taking him to the bathroom, dressed/packed the wounds from the operations – when beyond my comfort zone to nurse/care for him.
And now – he ignores me or bombards me with cruel, aggressive, demanding texts and at the end of the day it all revolves around him wanting my money ……………………………
And now I admit – I am scared of him …………………………… what do I do, just want this life to end.

[Eyesopening]

This man sounds increasingly dangerous.. keep all these texts as evidence Incase needed. Terrible abuse.
Call women’s aid or find your local domestic abuse services. You need support on an escape plan. We must ask for help during the fleeing and make sure we have a good safe plan because it’s when abuse escalates. Don’t give him an inkling of your thoughts/plan. Play the part for him, pretend everything is going his way so you get a breather while you make your plans. It’s terribly scary but you won’t be doing it alone. Keep posting and reaching out. Maybe you have family you can go ‘visit’ and never go back x

[Rainydays]

I just can’t even begin to tell my family – I have one friend who I have never discussed anything with but in my heart I know she knows life isn’t right behind my front door, but I’m scared to say anything. I used to be so bright, bubbly, confident – now I just want to hide from people, get in my car and drive as far away as I can – but then sometimes I just think – this is my home and it should be my haven, not my place of fear. When I finish work I sit for ages, too scared to go to my own home, too scared of what I might be faced with, sick to my stomach that it starts again.
(detail removed by Moderator) I replied to one of his horrible texts and asked if he even wants ‘us’ – I know he read it but now he’s gone silent. On the rare occasions I pluck up the courage to fire something back at him by text, he goes quiet for a while, no answer, nothing ………………… and sometimes that is more scary than the abuse ……………
What am I doing

[Wants To Help]

This seems to me to be a man who is just clearly after your money and is very concerning.

(detail removed by Moderator)

He sounds a very selfish and entitled man, all want, want, want at someone else’s expense without being prepared to work at what he wants to achieve himself. He also sounds lazy. If he doesn’t like work then he can look for a job he does like. If he doesn’t like living at your house then he can find somewhere else to live. I can guarantee he won’t be any happier living abroad – all he’ll do is move his problems, misery and negativity in life to another country.

If you have text message evidence that he is constantly trying to get you to access your pension early in order to fund his life then seek some legal advice about this. (detail removed by Moderator). You could make an appointment to speak to the police about his behaviour too (detail removed by Moderator). If he’s been seriously ill in the past then he’ll probably play the ‘victim’ and make out he’s too poorly to fend for himself, too poorly to be homeless etc, but he really isn’t your responsibility as he’s a grown adult.

(detail removed by Moderator) Start with making enquiries over the phone with places like DA Service, CAB or a family law firm. Can you tell anyone in HR where you work, or your manager, about your circumstances at home? You may get some support from work, even if it’s to allow you some hours in work time to make these calls or go to the appointments. If they have been compassionate in the past then they may well be again.

xx

[Wants To Help]

Rainydays,

I have just read all of your previous posts and the responses since you first came on the forum over a year ago. This man does appear to be a con man and a dangerous man and you are living with the most awful abuse. (detail removed by Moderator) I can read that you are going through hell, but I also read that you have successfully left an abusive relationship in the past and managed to get your life back on track once before and I know you can do this again.

(detail removed by Moderator)
There are many red flags about this man’s history before he met you. Why not apply online to your local police for a Clare’s Law request and see what that throws up from his past? Your reason for applying (if you are honest) will certainly be enough to raise concerns for the police to contact you about what is going on now. (detail removed by Moderator).

(detail removed by Moderator). You are a previous ‘victor’ or ‘survivor’ of DA, find that fight again and get yourself free of this man too. (detail removed by Moderator). What you are experiencing is nothing to be ashamed of, I know from experience that once you speak to someone about this level of abuse you will get help coming from all directions (detail removed by Moderator).

xx

[Rainydays]

I can’t believe I am in this situation – leaving my ex-husband, instigating the divorce and breaking free was so, so hard and having to explain to family and friends without really telling them why I instigated the divorce – it took so long to get over but I found and financed my new home, on my own, somewhere that was mine, where I could have my knick-knacks, cushions, candles, all the things I wasn’t allowed when I was married. And there’s a big part of me that is so angry that ‘my new partner’ is destroying me and the peace I found in my new home, MY new home – feel so worthless all over again.
Now he’s said he’s going to resign from his job – he has no other job, he has no money to start again – every day it just gets worse and I feel such a failure, just no strength to fight. Why has his life, job, money, family – why is this all now dependent on me – and the minute I try to turn the tables and ask him – why he’s with me, does he want me, what does he feel for me, is he leaving – if its possible even more silence. He is incapable of talking to me, normally, about the future, where we are, what we’re doing – he just goes silent (which can last for days, weeks, even a month), says I have no right to any answers because I won’t tell him when I’m cashing in my pensions.
On top of which, he’s now decided (detail removed by Moderator).
It’s always, always about money – my money – he’s made no provision for his retirement, future – and now he’s going to walk out on a perfectly normal, reasonably paid job – for what ?? More pressure on me, but I cannot finance us both – why is he doing this to me ? why is everything my fault ? you name it, he can turn it around to me being at fault ?
So depressed and so scared – what will he do next ? can’t even see the future anymore, just a void of more and more insults, anger, silence.
Only I could manage to mess up another relationship – we could have had such a good life together …..

[Rainydays]

Sorry, feel like I’m rambling today but feel so sick, my heart races, I can feel it in my chest. He’s asking me if he should resign because he hates his job, I’ve told him I can’t finance us both – I don’t understand where he’s coming from, what he’s thinking – well apart from me financing him for the rest of his life. Why ? where did that come from ?
I just want a ‘normal’ life – go to work, meet up with friends, family, have nice holidays – just normal, regular stuff and I don’t get why he can’t just knuckle down, get on with life, his job and us. But is it because he doesn’t want us unless I can finance everything. How am I supposed to do that and after all the **** he’s given me, said to me, done to me.
I am so sick of this life but I am so scared too – scared that if I literally kick him out, he’ll fight back – come to my work, try to destroy my good standing with my employers which he has previously threatened. Destroy my home and my things, there’s not much but it’s all I’ve got in the world. Do worse, I don’t know but they’ll be more anger, more abuse, more shouting, more and more – I don’t know how to stand up to that, my stomach is churning with the fear.

[Rainydays]

Am I just my own worst enemy ? feel sick to my stomach.

[Bananaboat]

You can be your own hero too. You did it before, you can get out again. Your only fault is being too loving & trusting – which wouldn’t be faults if he wasn’t a vile human xx

[Rainydays]

Thank you for your support everyone.
I am so sorry to bother you all – but this is my only release.
Now, it seems his boss had a go at him about something at work and that’s my fault – if I (removed by moderator) etc then that wouldn’t have happened (according to him) – which means we’re back to living in complete silence and abuse. In texts he says to me that if I truly loved him and cared about him and his wellbeing and his mental health, I would get him out of his work situation, let him resign, let him go on holiday, marry me! and move (since he hates our home) – am I going crazy or is this all madness because I think I am loosing my mind with all this ??

[Footballfan1]

Is the house in your name only?
If so, when he is at work, get the locks changed and don’t let him back in.
Apply for a non-molestation order citing domestic abuse, financial control.
You can do it yourself and sent it via email to your local court.

He is financially abusing you.
The guilt tripping is common in an abuser.
They want you to feel sorry for them so you do as they say.
If you give in, it will never be enough and he will start on something else to gain more control.
They are obsessed and fixated on control and constantly seek it.
Stay strong, keep posting. Xx

[Footballfan1]

He can’t visit your place of work qith a non-molestation order in place.
That is one of options you can tick.
-to not enter or come near home.
-not turn up at your place of work.
-not contact you directly.
-to not intimidate or harass you
-to not post or publish about you either in print or digitally.
-to not cause damage to your possessions or home.

[Marmalade]

Rainy days,
I am going to be frank.
This man shows you no love. From your posts he has no interest whatsoever. When you ask him if he wants you, he blanks you.
He is in love with your money and is determined to get it. That’s his only love. You are a meal ticket to the life he wants. He is piling on more and more pressure.
If he gets your money, he will spend it, he will ruin you, you could lose everything you cherish and have built up.
This man offers you nothing but the illusion of a relationship rather than being alone. I get it totally. I also can post in this age thread. I stayed with my abuser too long but it was right to get out. Living in torture like this is not living.
Obviously it’s your choice, but you clearly see the situation. You are living in misery with an unscrupulous self obsessed man. This is not going to change in your favour. He is not going to change.
You are not losing your mind, not crazy. You are a woman with money. An unscrupulous man has targeted you and is controlling and abusing you to get his hands on your money and the lifestyle it can provide.
You need to get help. Contact your local DA. Change the locks if he has no legal right to be in your home. Men like this can become very nasty when they realise they are losing their cash supply so get help. Reach out to the people who can help you.
Please do not give this man a penny, do not marry him (he only wants to marry your money), do not sign pensions over and do get help quickly before he escalates. I worry for you, you have to be strong to save yourself here.

[Eyesopening]

You can do it rainydays!
You can take your life back, take your power back!
He has absolutley no right to do anything of this to you.
You have no responsibility to him. He is a nobody.
This man is a small, tiny abusive man who deserves not one second thought from you. Becuase he does not care about you at ALL. Worse then that, he thinks your so worthless that he will use and abuse you for everything you have.
Harsh but true, maybe it will help you get some resolve to carry out the good advice above.
I hope so.
Sorry you are going through this again. It’s not your fault, its all on him.
x*x

[Camel]

Hi Rainydays

It’s actually alarming to hear how much control this parasite already has. Sadly it’s not uncommon for us to fall prey to such abuse when we’re emotionally drained and looking for validation. I think you need to stop viewing your divorce as a kind of failure. Relationships fail more often than not. No one is judging you, except you.

This current partner has taken full advantage of your vulnerability. Listen to all the advice and get him out of your life asap.

Everything he says is laughable though I understand you’re not laughing. What he’s doing is crazy-making. You need physical and mental distance and time from him in order to get your thoughts straight.

First things first. Protect your finances. Separate your money. Then get him out.

[Camel]

I think my post may have been too direct, sorry. I reread your words and understand how afraid and powerless you feel. You’re convinced he’s the one in control when actually you’re the one holding all the cards.

He has nothing unless you give it to him. You allow him to share your home but he has no claim to it. Make sure that legally it stays that way. Get professional advice.

You can’t love someone you are afraid of. Once you accept that this man is a dangerous financial abuser your way forward will be clear. Don’t give in to his demands. Stop discussions and get legal support asap. It’s worth the expense.

[Author]

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