So confused

[positivelyempath]

hi, I am new to the site and was directed here from the Dom Vi helpline. I am feeling so confused and part of me feels like maybe I am making more out of this than I should be so thought I would ask your opinion…

So basically I’ve been with my husband (detail removed by moderator) and when we met I had come out of another abusive relationship but my husband seemed like the knight in shining armour, he was completely devoted to me from the first day and literally wanted to see me all the time and very early on told me he wated children and he saw me as his future wife etc…it was intense but because my last boyfriend had been so different and my husband was quite geeky and intelligent I found it quite flattering. I had already booked to travel to (detail removed by moderator)  when I met him and I was going in (detail removed by moderator), he ended up seeing me every minute he could in those (detail removed by moderator) and then flew out to (detail removed by moderator) and proposed…I ended up coming back to UK, moving in with him and thats when things got confusing….he always made out I was insecure because of my past relationships and so he couldn’t have a normal conversation with me as I got to emotional etc and so he always emailed or text everything and it was intense, constant messages all day etc. He took control of my finances as I was in debt and he would send me a monthly planner of what I should be spending and what i should be paying to bills for the house etc…he acted like he was helping but (detail removed by moderator) he is still sending me a monthly spreadsheet and chasing me to pay half of everything even when I am working part time. He also has hos own business, drives (detail removed by moderator) top of the range cars while I have a banger and he makes out he has no money! He is really tight….Anyway we had a very up and down relationship and then I got married, got pregnant and he wasn’t very supportive during the pregnancy, didn’t find me attractive etc and I felt quite rejected also towards the end of the pregnancy he was super stressed, and was aggressive to me not actually hitting me but throwing things and shouting and I had to tell him to get out the house…he then came in crying saying how stressed he was…..then he was OK initially when I had my daughter but was constantly trying to control something either our schedules or money etc then one day I was sat on the sofa and he came home from work, I started talking to him about my day as my daughter had a milk allergy and I had been doing some research to help her and he just snapped, he said that I was not interested in him and the stress he was under etc and when I argued back he grabbed me by the throat and pushed me against the wall while shouting and he had my daughter in his other arm….I obviously shouted at him to get off me n*d pass me my daughter n*d get out, I kept shouting until he left…..once he left I went into almost a superhuman mode of getting on with it and I messaged him to tell him if this ever happened again I would be gone etc…he replied (detail removed by moderator) and made out I had blown things out of proportion….anyway something in me died that day and I have never felt connected to him since, I checked out….our marriage now is just functional but he trys to control me, guilt trip me into sex etc….the last thing that happened physically was that he tried to push me into sex and I had to say no about (detail removed by moderator) and push him away and shut the door…
The problem is he is extremely intelligent, upstanding person, acts like father of the year by posting everything on facebook whenever he is as much as in the same room as my daughter there is a picture on facebook which I hate…I want to leave him but I’m scared about him getting 50/50 custody, my daughter is (detail removed by moderator) and hates being without me, she clings to me and never wants to be with him longer than a few hours and even then have to talk her into it…..
The other (detail removed by moderator)  I just took off to (detail removed by moderator) as couldn’t stand his controlling nature anymore, constantly going on about how much cleaning he’s done (even when I had already done it), money and just geberally he is exhausting…so took off and he then made me feel guilty and since back he’s bene getting me presents every day and it’s so weird it’s spooking me…really odd things like a memory book of all our memories since we met etc…so inappropriate as he knows I’m not happy…
anyway sorry for my rambling….any thoughts/help/advice very much welcome as I just want OUT!

 

 

 

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi positivelyempath

Welcome to the forum honey.
I’m sorry for the abuse you are suffering, I’m glad you are seeing this cannot go on and needs to end.
He is nasty/sweet, following the cycle of abuse to the dot, as do all abusers. They are vile then sweet, creating confusion but actually following a predictable consistent pattern.
What you do now is gather your things, your valuable documents, sentimental stuff and get it out of your house and hide it safely at someones you can fully trust, preferably someone who strongly dislikes your husband.
You prepare your escape safely. You do not tell him anything about leaving, on the contrary, you are sweet as pie and keep the routine to throw him off. Do not get engaged emotionally any further, keep your energy for yourself, go grey rock.
Call the helpline on here and look for a local Women’s Aid near you, they will help you and your baby exit this relationship safely.
If he grabs your throat or looks like he will, please call the police immediately.
Keep strong, keep safe and keep posting
You can do this 💪

[positivelyempath]

Hi HopeLifeJoy,
Thanks so much for your reply – as you can tell I am really confused so is good to hear from others that can verify this behaviour is not acceptable. I feel like my head is so messed up that it’s playing tricks on me and I keep feeling like maybe I’m blowing it out of proportion. I understand that I need out but also I am wondering if I should just have a conversation with him to end it and give him the chance to see if he responds well and if not then I can get police etc involved? The thing is aswell my daughter loves her dad even though only for short periods of time and I feel like I would be upsetting her by not letting him see her…also I don’t have anywhere to go so been trying to rent a house but really hard as rental market is crazy at the moment. I would like to just try and tell him and move out with my daughter however it is 50% my house so part of me feels like why should I have to move out when my daughter is comfortable here. Also she is maybe on the spectrum and really likes her routine etc….I’m just so confused.
I have spoken to WA though and they have been helpful and I’m in touch with a solicitor so I need to do something ASAP…I just can’t handle much more!

[Author]

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