So confused

[Escapee]

Hi ladies,

I need to ask if I’ve got it all wrong. My gut says no but I’m seriously questioning if maybe I’m the one that’s got it wrong.

My husband has been doing all the right things (sort of) but I’ve had a few chats that have me running scared……

He said I talk to him too straight. I just say what I think without thinking about his feelings. What I said was just what I had been up to and what I had coming up – nothing threatening to him, just going to events locally. He got angry and told me I was inconsiderate.

He accuses me of wanting and of having wanted extra marital affairs. I understand the feeling jealous so I try to assure him but again I don’t consider what might make him feel more secure.

I normally wear jeans. I like to dress up a bit sometimes, but at home I just like to be comfortable. He thinks I should think about what he might like me to wear and dress for him.

There’s other bits too …..

I’m still living separately from him so I haven’t completely compromised my freedom.

Is this normal expectations in a relationship or really the red flags I feel they are?? I feel so confused and stupid.

[Overcome]

Hi Escapee,

This sounds like red flags to me; jealousy, guilt tripping, and starting to plant the seeds about controlling what you wear. If I could start again with my relationship with my ex, I would have ran a mile by now… but hindsight is a wonderful thing isn’t it?

Trust your gut, if you are feeling like something isn’t right, it usually isn’t!

[mags]

What is the freedom programme?

I’m so confused also! I know I’m not perfect but something doesn’t feel right. We have both been to couple counciling session and the second was cancelled because it interfeared with (detail removed by moderator) and when I ask about when it’s rescheduled the ignore me.

They are calling me names in arguments COW, F*****G BOOT, INSANE and a NUT JOB after me already telling them how it makes me feel and going to a councillor. always Turn it round on me it was me and my behaviour that caused it. I have also been accused of cheating, they check my phone and start arguments and then tell me I’m hiding something because I’ve changed my phone code and all I want is to be able to have a private conversation with my mum and friends without been quizzes and interrogated.

sometimes I am crabit like everyone but I know I don’t deserve it. Will they ever change?

[KIP.]

He’s insulting you by accusing you of being unfaithful and wanting to be unfaithful and you’re understanding and trying to assure him? Why are you running after him when he’s insulting you? Why should you think about what he wants you to wear? Does he ask your permission on what clothes he wears? Your inconsiderate because you have a social life? Huge red flags. The controlling behaviour doesn’t stop because you separate. It stops with zero contact. The chats have you running scared for a reason. You owe him nothing and you’re still trapped in his delusional nonsense. He’s still the same man and you left for very good reasons x

[Escapee]

Overcome and KIP, thank you.

I did say if I was being unfeeling towards him I would be telling him how insulting it was to say about me wanting affairs, so that rings so true.

I honestly started to question if it was me and I had no idea about relationships and the give and take that a good relationship requires.

I just needed to hear someone else say that I’m not being a hard, inconsiderate, selfish person. I can’t go back to the eggshells and never getting it right (there never will be a right).

Thank you again ladies; I know what I need to do (again for heaven’s sake!) Xx

[KIP.]

Have you done the Freedom Programme through women’s aid?

[KIP.]

You’ve suppressed so many emotions for years. So feeling anger at him has probably led to abuse in the past and perhaps you’re scared to let that anger out. You’re entitled to be angry with that behaviour and expressing that anger should be natural but even now you fear the consequences. That’s not healthy.

[Escapee]

I’m still waiting to do the freedom programme. The last one was cancelled. If it wasn’t for you ladies on here is be dealing with the fallout all on my own as I’ve no really close friends or anyone else that gets this.

Every time I got angry he’d just turn it on me and become all reasonable and calm and say I was behaving like a pyscho. So I just placate.

I’ve been so stupid. And I feel so guilty that I have to say “no more” – and I feel stupid and guilty for feeling stupid and guilty. I don’t know why I can’t be my own best friend, I treat myself like I’m worthless.

[Escapee]

Self pity moment over! 🙄💕

[KIP.]

It’s not you it’s the abuse that makes us feel this way. Slowly by surrounding yourself with decent loving honest human beings you will slowly begin to see that it was never you. Ionce read that abusers don’t have a problem with their anger they have a problem with ours. I believe that’s true. How dare we be angry at their behaviour, we learn to bury that anger and that turns to depression and anxiety. So I want you to be angry.you have my permission to be angry. Not stupid and not guilty. Embrace that anger. Martin Luther King said things get done when we are 😤 angry….

[KIP.]

💕

[Escapee]

Thank you KIP xx
……I think I need to find my inner Hulk

[siba]

You know what you need to do and I wish you the very best of luck with it all. Seek support from your local womens Aid – mine have been so much help and I’m currently on a course and support group through them. They are the only ones who totally get what you’re going through. We’ve just covered the topic of healthy relationships… Trust is key and if he’s accusing you of wanting affairs then where is the trust? Sounds like he has a whole host of anxiety and confidence issues and he’s taking them out on you by trying to control you.

[Escapee]

Siba – he has more issues than a monthly magazine that’s been running since the 60’s!

Basically, I think I’ve been so brainwashed I need to relearn how to respond to situations. Unfortunately, the WA in my area hasn’t been brilliant because of lack of support from my support worker plus lack of engagement from other survivors. The woman I spoke with at the refuge was really angry that my support worker had gone off on holiday without leaving me alternative support and that I had been assigned to someone who was just about to go on leave (it was over the week I left and the two weeks after I’d left……critical time!)

But I am where I am. At least I am no longer living with him, over the initial shell shock, have more awareness and control of my anxiety and I’m about to start the Freedom Programme (which to be honest, I probably wasn’t ready for before now).

[mags]

What is the freedom programme?

I’m so confused also! I know I’m not perfect but something doesn’t feel right. We have both been to couple counciling session and the second was cancelled because it interfeared with (detail removed by moderator) and when I ask about when it’s rescheduled the ignore me.

They are calling me names in arguments COW, F*****G BOOT, INSANE and a NUT JOB after me already telling them how it makes me feel and going to a councillor. Worse with a drink and always turn it round on me, it was me and my behaviour that caused it. I have also been accused of cheating with a client of mine which is not true, they read through my phone private messages and start arguments and then tell me I’m hiding something because I’ve changed my phone code and all I was doing was txting my mum mum and friends about how I’m feeling which was a private conversation, shouldn’t be quizzed and interrogated.

sometimes I am crabit like everyone but I know I don’t deserve it. Will they ever change?

[Escapee]

Hi Mags,

The Freedom Programme is a free course run by WA or I think you can do it by yourself online. It teaches us about types of abusers and how to avoid them in the future. What I’m looking forward to the most is being with other women that get it and the mutual support that comes with that.

The baskets do confuse us. We’re so wrapped up in them that we don’t look out for us!

Ladies……I’ve removed myself from the situation. I woke up with my stomach in knots again and realised that I needed to look out for me. I can’t take his head games anymore.

KIP…..any advice on reading material re brainwashing and reprogramming??

[Cecile]

Hi Escapee

Many years ago before I married I was like most young women and loved buying clothes and dressing up and putting on make up and sharing this with my sisters and friends. You know that lovely little cuddly thrill of pleasure when you put on a new outfit and meet up with other girls and you all tell each other how much you love their outfits etc.
Roll forward and marriage to my abuser. The red flag was there from the beginning. He couldn’t “afford” to give me money to get a haircut for our wedding. (Lie). He couldn’t afford to help me get home when a sibling died and another married, I missed a funeral and a wedding. (I wasnt working as I was heavily pregnant). Of course, family never forgave me. I was so bewildered and thought of myself as bad as surely I should have had the money to independently get home, as he had screamed at me, his teeth inches from my neck. The role and duty of a husband to support a wife financially never featured. My mind skipped over it. Beginning of a pattern.
Within a very short space of time his comments like “Iwouldn’t bother if I were you” when I put on make up succeeded. I was not allowed to dress up nice or buy clothes. At one point I only had (detail removed by moderator) and couldn’t walk far as a result.He refused to give me money to buy clothes he was (detail removed by moderator) on a very good salary. Advising women on domestic violence.
All the red flags were there and he began by stripping away my self esteem and enjoyment of dressing up, preventing me from sharing this with others, seeing my family. Red flags are red flags. They are concrete and real. Never doubt what you see and and hear, and know to be true.
Decades on I am reclaiming my love of fashion. I had some dresses I bought in the sale, I hid them in fear of him. I am proud to say I sitting here dressed up to the nines with suede over the knee boots and a nice dress and make up because my decree nisi is through. I just wish with all my heart I had had the confidence to listen to my head and logic all those years ago because I have lost so so much, my friends, family and culture. Don’t let it happen to you. You are not whingeing it, you have identified factors in his interactions that are threatening, real and put you at risk. Go no contact.

[Escapee]

Oh Cecile….I remember them days well 🙂 Congrats on the Decree Nisi! And the boots sound amazing!

Mine has done a really good head f*** with me. Somehow, everything that has changed about me has been my decision or reaction. When I met him, many years ago, I was a relaxed hippy chick. Over the years I have tried so hard to get it right but whatever I wore/did/said was never quite right….I didn’t understand him, I was too selfish, I wasn’t able to think about things from a different perspective. So I morphed through many processes, I took responsibility for what was wrong by looking at my life and what had gone wrong before and how that was making me dysfunctional.

Now I realise it was all a big head f*** so he could avoid looking at himself. I am left with not knowing what is real and what is him because it’s been twisted. I can no longer trust my own decisions or thoughts.

BUT I recogonise this, I am taking ownership of myself and I will get through this. At the moment I am like a rabbit in the headlights so I’m guessing it’s time for a lot of reading and journaling.

[Author]

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