So confused. Abuse or just toxic?

[Selflove3]

I’m so confused and idk what to do anymore. My husband says he’s trying and that he’s going to fix things. Idk if he’s even aware that he might be abusive.

It’s been going on for years but I’ve always made excuses for him. We’ve had a lot going on. He used to have me cancel my plans bc he wasn’t a confident dad. He would cry and beg me to stay home so I would. I’d come home early bc I would get texts even after our second kid that he wasn’t ready to take care of our kids. In general he was a lazy partner and father and historically contributed very little. I remember crying quite a bit to friends but I thought it was just stressful. I wouldn’t have called it abuse.

It was only when we moved into a different chapter of our lives that I got concerned. When I was pregnant with our third he was so angry. Shouting at me so close to my face he was spitting. Angry at the kids all the time. Breaking furniture out of rage and punching walls. I told him that was enough of that and I would leave if it continued. It stopped for the most part but sometimes it will resurface. We argue over our parenting and sometimes when he doesn’t listen and is ignoring me I will raise my voice bc I’m frustrated. I know it’s wrong. (detail removed by moderator). I came
Back once we had cooled off after a few hours. Told him I couldn’t raise my kids with that level of anger and we needed to do better together. So that’s been better but sometimes I wonder if it’s lingering under the surface.

What’s really upset me most recently is that I’ve been doing it all. I’m emotionally and mentally drained. He wouldn’t contribute to the household. Told me my expectations were too high. Wasn’t helping with Christmas birthdays etc. and I was wondering why I was doing it all by myself and felt so lonely. What was the point? I asked what he thought his life should look like
Cuz we were fighting constantly. All the time. He said he goes to work and shouldn’t be expected to do much more. I lost it. Broke down and cried. Decided that maybe I needed to end it on that alone. That convo told me that it was just a bad relationship.

So that all aside. He’s controlled a lot of my movements over the past couple years. (detail removed by moderator) I’ll be working again in the next couple years. But he’s never been confident with me outside the house. When I would go out with friends which was maybe twice a year he would fight with me before after and during. Asking what I’m dressed like that for. Implying that I’m just gonna cheat on him. My sex drive post partum with my third child crashed and he spent the year after convinced there was something wrong with me and I tried desperately to be better. If I wasn’t having sex with him I was obviously having sex witn someone else. That’s gotten so bad lately.the past few months I’ve gotten shouted at for leaving the house unexpectedly or not answering my phone. I’ve beeen made to feel guilty for getting some drinks with friends.

The worst thing about our relationship is the pressure to have sex. If I don’t have sex with him it’s guaranteed to be a fight. Even after I said I think we maybe needed to separate bc I was so lonely. And he swore that he would change and be better. I stopped having sex with him bc I felt emotionally unsafe and I just needed to feel loved outside of sex. (detail removed by moderator) He said he couldn’t help himself. If I said no previously he would roll over and huff. His mood would instantly change. It was honestly just easier to say yes. But recently I’ve just cut it off completely and it’s been an awful adjustment. He was so upset with me. Saying I was expecting so much of him as far as taking care of his kids and his house ( literally the bare minimum of a husband and partner) he did nothing for mothers and nothing for my birthday that was (detail removed by moderator). Just oblivious. He keeps saying he’s convinced I’m going to leave him. Now that the kids are getting older I’ve got time to cheat on him. It’s just constant. And I blamed it on his insecurities and whatever for so long but it’s suffocating.

There is so much more but that’s as much as I can condense it. I’m trying to decide if it’s abuse or just a really unhealthy relationship. The past week or so he’s not pressured me to have sex and he’s actually been a present husband so I’ve been confused. Maybe he’s capable of change. (detail removed by moderator) and he asked to have sex and I consented. Even tho I was drunk and he was sober. It made me feel weird in the morning. My friends are concerned and his family has had to intervene bc they’ve seen him shout at me and speak to me rudely often and think it’s unnecessary.

Is this abuse ?? Or is it just really unhealthy behaviour. Can it be fixed. I’m trying so hard to figure it out bc I love him very much. I just feel like me and my kids deserve better. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. Sorry for the length.

[Better-days]

Selflove3 I can relate alot to what you’re going through. I feel like a single parent im expected to give sex when suits and I am spoken to like s**t. The sexual side I struggle with too. I could write a book about the life iv lived. I think your partner is abusive now when I first joined this forum I was in denial my life didn’t seem too bad but the reality is that it is and these men don’t change. They are selfish. I hope you’re ok this forum helps me on my worst days. I don’t have too much advice but stay strong xx

[Selflove3]

Are you still in the relationship ? I’m at a total loss. I want better for myself or my kids but right now my husband is insisting he will make changes. We’ve been here before tho. Change will last for a couple weeks maybe even a couple months and it will go back. He insists it’s different this time bc I said I was leaving. Idk what to do. My situation is also quite complicated. I can’t give too much info cuz I know it will be redacted anyway. But it’s def not as simple as us separating.

I’m sorry you’re going through the same.

[Hereforhelp]

Hi, I would say whether it’s abuse (which it is) or a toxic relationship doesn’t matter… do you want to remain in a relationship with your partner? Your partner is exerting his control o error you wherever he can. When I was still with my husband I did everything at home, with our children… I was exhausted… but the moment my husband returned home from work I would jump up as I couldn’t be seen sitting down as he would.start with his displeasure (like a king! He would respond either pleased or displeased and take it from there with his moods… I altered my behaviour to avoid the bad moods he took out on us..

He didn’t have to hit, he is a big strong man and he took pleasure in showing me how.strong he was, how he could break certain parts of my body ‘like a twig’ … I have been out a few years now.

You do everything now, I am.guessinng you will never exhausted and he doesn’t help as he works… when I separated I was scared if I.could do it all on my own.. the answer is yes as like you I was doing it all anyhow..

Contact your Local Womans Aid for confidential support, the Freedom Programme is also really helpful. Pat Craven Living With The Dominater is a good book
HFH ❤️

[iliketea]

I think just answering simply, toxic is abuse, whichever way you look at it, abuse is toxic, there’s no “just” toxic. Maybe see your GP and explain what has been happening at home, and how you feel. If you feel unsafe, unloved, unhappy, its horrible to hear, and to start getting your head around but its just not normal to feel like that in a loving long term relationship. This site is an amazing place for information. The way it helped me the most was reading all the stories, and realising how similar they were even though they were all so different and on different spectrums… it was all abuse. There are some really good books, audiobooks which are easier to listen to without being noticed. I’ll bump some posts from 2020 which really helped me see the light on this. Sending love, don’t mean to sound so cut and dry about it, it will take time to get your head around it. It took me ages to do something about it. Its ok. Focus on educating yourself about it abuse, make sure you focus on you and your well-being, get strong mentally and physically and that will help you see clearly and make the decisions you feel are right for you and your family. I got anti-depressants which helped with the fog of abuse, and the constant crazy gas lighting and confusing behaviours, I started running, I cleaned up my diet, I cut out alcohol, and most of all I got educated on it, read and listened to everything I could. Caroline Strawson has some good bite size listens on abuse too, and there are other podcasts. There are FB groups you can join but tbh this forum is the very best, kindest and most supportive one I have come across. It is monitored very well and I have never felt unsafe or unsupported, it is an incredible resource for women by women, who know what you’re going through because they are too, or have been. xx

[Selflove3]

Thank you. It is tough to hear but it’s necessary to take the next steps. It’s so hard bc I was in an abusive relationship before this one. Idk how I didn’t see it. You’re right there’s such a wide spectrum
Of behaviours. Def need to focus on myself.

[Sungirl]

So much of what you have said above resonates with me. I have told
My partner to leave several times before and yet ended up back with him. It’s so hard so don’t be hard on yourself and they’re so good at confusing us. I’m slowly realising how manipulative my husband is. He has never been physically abusive. If he has angry rages where he says horrible things. He twists everything that was said and asks me questions which I can’t answer and so then he won’t acknowledge what has happened. I think there is also lots of gaslighting. It’s amazing how much your brain blocks out from these though. I feel like if I don’t do something today then it’s not going to happen. As time goes by I forget stuff and he’ll start being nice again and we’ll just continue to plod a long

[tryingtosleep]

Hi @Selflove3

This all sounds incredibly familiar.

Especially the sex stuff.

He even questioned me as to whether I really on my period sometimes…
And you know what – sometimes I wasn’t…!

How sad is that!

I never realised that he was abusive until our social worker said he was being coercive and that was abusive. It took me a while to process that was what it was.

He still doesn’t think he’s been abusive. I can’t argue with him any more because it’s too exhausting. He’ll never agree any how.

I’m just glad my he’s not living here any more. Life is a whole lot easier now.

Sending love x*x

[Author]

Posts