So confused and having a bad day

[Catjam]

Hi, I am new to this forum but I am looking for answers. Is he abusive or am I just worn down and sensitive? We have been married for (detail removed by moderator) years, (detail removed by moderator) kids all grown up but (detail removed by moderator) still at home. It started small, hitting doors, throwing things, driving really scarily if annoyed but never physical with me. He could go weeks without speaking to me and I would never know what I had done. He doesn’t like my family and I now have no friends as most were deemed unacceptable. Apparently my attitude changed around them.
Fast forward to now and I started reacting differently to the sulks, I wouldn’t indulge, I wouldn’t try to make it better. So now he withdraws affection, turns his back on me in bed but leaves the light and tv on so I can’t sleep.
If he wants us to be intimate but I don’t then he will pull at me and stroke my leg sometimes till after 1-2am till I relent.
But he doesn’t restrict my finances, doesn’t call me names or belittle me or any of the other things I have read about. Sometimes I am upset by something he said but don’t know why.
I suffer with depression and have done for years which must be hard to live with although I have finally plucked up the courage to go to college which isn’t something I managed to do before. My life is a cycle of work, housework and not much else. I was reaching a point of only leaving the house to go to work or out with him or my kids so this is a big step for me.
Sorry for waffling on but I feel so lost and very lonely

[Catjam]

I will add that he tells me how much I mean to him, that he can’t bear to be away from me but this has only been since the kids have grown up. He used to go away most weekends for one hobby or another, but stopped this a couple of years ago.

[Lisa]

Hi Catjam,

It doesn’t sound like you’re being overly sensitive at all. Physical abuse is such a small part of domestic abuse, and by the sounds of it your partner sounds really threatening and intimidating. Hitting doors/ throwing things and driving erratically are all very scary and intimidating to be around. Another huge part of abuse is isolation; by isolating you from friends and family he’s able to cut you off from your support network so you’re more reliant on him. Making you feel like you have to have sex with him or he will continue pestering you is also definitely not ok.

It’s also important to note that perpetrators won’t be abusive all the time otherwise no one would stay in these relationships; there will be nice times as well which makes it really confusing and really difficult to recognise the abuse for what it is. Perpetrators will often try and shift the blame for what they’re doing onto the other person, so the woman often feels responsible for the abuse. Please try to remember that he is responsible for his own actions; he is making a choice to be abusive; so even though you have depression this is not a valid reason for him to be behaving the way he is.

Well done for posting on here; it takes a lot of strength to ask for support. Have you been in contact with your local domestic abuse service? They may also be able to offer you some support whilst you’re dealing with all of this. You can find your local service here: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

All the best, and please keep posting,

Lisa,
Forum Moderator

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi Catjam welcome to the forum, he definitely sounds abusive.
Well done for taking a little bit of your power back by going to college and starting to ignore his sulks.
Try rebuilding your connections with your old friends and family if you can, take back your freedom and control over all aspect of your life, one by one, you deserve to live an abuse free life.
How despicable of him to disturb your sleep. Could you sleep in another room? Tell him you get back pain from the mattress of your bedroom therefore buy a new one just for yourself. And lock your room during the night.
keep posting honey

[blue eyes]

I used to run after my first ex saying what’s the matter? what’s wrong? getting upset when he went into his sulky strop worrying about what I had done wrong. He used to say nothings wrong he was fine but his face would be tripping him up.I would get very anxious and distressed. One day I didn’t react I just kept being happy getting on with things ignoring the sulk talking to him and he said (detail removed by moderator). It was just a tactic of control just a means of getting attention and getting me to behave and do what he wanted. There was nothing wrong. He was getting off on making me upset, enjoying my distress as I ran around after him.The second ex stopped speaking to me after I challenged his behaviour. I have had the silent treatment for (detail removed by moderator) from him. Ridiculous behaviour really, I can see that now( after a long period of distress and torment) and also how his behaviour was just like his predecessor’s just more extreme, and again its about wining and being in control. I wish I could go back in time and point out to my younger self what they were doing. Spoiled boys not grown men. My advice to anyone dealing with this adolescent behaviour is to ignore them and get on with whatever you want to do instead. When they are not getting the attention they will stop.

 

[Catjam]

Thank you for your replies. Life just feels like a constant tightrope. He upset someone at work and she complained to their boss but when she tried to explain what he had done, she couldn’t. I wanted to contact her and tell her I understood, but I can’t. My head is full of him, what’s his mood like, is he annoyed now? He went away for work and was gone for (detail removed by moderator) and it was bliss, I enjoyed coming home again.
Thank you again

 

[HopeLifeJoy]

I hope your situation will improve soon, you deserve coming home with pleasure everyday, your home is meant to be a safe haven to rest and recharge.
Changes all start with awareness and your are aware of your constant preoccupation with him, that must be exhausting and is taking up mental space which could be spend on yourself. You have been brain-washed by him through his manipulations and games to only think of him and neglect your own needs.
You could learn to redirect your thoughts towards yourself -as you are already doing very well by going to college- you could further shift your thoughts towards your own feelings, your own mood? Ask yourself everyday how do you feel? I’m certain it will make you feel better, stronger and more peaceful because you are taking care of yourself.
He will always be in a bad mood, by default being negative, nothing will ever change there. He doesn’t need your attention, he needs his very own.

Please also call the helpline, the more support you gather around you, the stronger you’ll get.
His colleague isn’t your concern, that’s her battle, she will have support around her and when ready she will find her words and get through with her complaint.
Concentrate on yourself 💕
Keep posting

[Author]

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