So confused not sure I’m doing the right thing

[Seeingthelight]

Hi so im not really sure where to start I just can’t seem to get these feelings of guilt out of my mind, I keep thinking is the relationship as bad as I’ve now expressed to police. So I’ve been with my partner (removed by moderator) years throughout our relationship as early as (removed by moderator) into he would call me names fat,ugly that sort of thing he got jealous of me taking to people and call me a s**g spit in n my face sometimes I’d argue back but the cruelty of some of things he would say and do would just break me I’d be the one to apologise or take blame from the argument he too would apologise he would cry but I always felt my actions where to blame. Not long after the violence came he has chocked me with a (removed by moderator) and threatened to crush me, bit me so bad I got (removed by moderator) he has stabbed me strangled me some of this has even happened in front of friends I’ve kicked him out numerous times I’ve threatened to the ring the police and tell them what he’s been doing to me but I just keep taking him back. It’s like a cycle things are good for months and months then he’d display violent episode or him putting me down or trying to humiliate me he always says I don’t show him enough affection so I always feel like I have to have sex with him otherwise he sulks I hate it when he sulks it gives me really bad anxiety like im waiting for him to snap or walk out the house and go missing for days so I don’t know where he is. The thing is when it’s good it’s really good and we get on so well and have a laugh then something will happen again which is what’s happened this time. He’s assaulted me in a public place and someone has witnessed it and rang the police anyway I was so upset that he had hurt me again and blurted out everything over the years he’s done to me and I ending up making a statement the office who interviewed me has basically told me some of the things he’s done is coercive control and rape the control bit I understand but to have him charged with Rape seems really bad. I feel so guilty and to top it off the police haven’t gave me one single update I’m still waiting for a video statement he’s been bailed with conditions to not come near me or our home and no direct or indirect contact for (removed by moderator) month I don’t understand what is going on

[Lisa]

Seeingthelight,

First, it seem you are new here and have just started posting, so welcome to the forum. I hope you find this a safe and supportive place to be.

I’m am sorry to hear of all that you have been through. You have absolutely done the right thing in taking steps to end the abuse you have been experiencing in the relationship. Know that is normal to have conflicting feelings of guilt, confusion and doubt, once action has been taken, such as reporting to the police. I’m sure many of the women here on the forum can relate.

I’m also disappointed and sorry to hear how you feel let down by the lack of communication with the police, and not feeling informed or aware of what is happening with your video statement, etc. It’s so important now that you engage in the right level of support, so you feel able to move forward and feel safe.

It may be ideal to get in touch now with your local domestic abuse service, so they can start being involved. They can safety plan with you and advocate on your behalf (liaise with police for example) where necessary and make sure you are aware of all your options in this so you feel more in control. They also can provide on-going emotional and practical advice and support in general, so use them as much as you need. They are a free service as well.

You mentioned experiencing sexual assault/rape. Of course you can discuss this with a local domestic abuse worker, but we would recommend that you contact Rape Crisis as well. They are a national organisation that operate local centres for women who have experienced rape or sexual abuse. They are now contactable via their 24 hr helpline on 0808 500 2222; they also have a live chat service (available Mon-Fri) through their website.

I don’t want to overwhelm you, but whenever you feel able, you may also want to check out The Freedom Programme. It is an 11 or 12 week rolling programme which provides information about male violence to women. This programme identifies the tactics abusers use, the beliefs held by abusers, and the effects that domestic abuse can have on women and children. The Freedom Programme is for women who have experience of domestic abuse, be it in their personal or professional lives. You can start the programme at any time, and you can attend as many or as few sessions as you choose. Each session is entirely confidential, and you can contribute as much, or as little, of your own thoughts and experiences as you like. Many women find this a very useful support group as it is available to women whether they are experiencing current or past abuse. The Freedom Programme is run in many locations across the UK. More information about the Programme can be found on their website.

I hope this information is useful to you. Do keep posting here to let us know how you are getting on.

Take care,

Lisa

[Allornothing]

Hi Seeingthelight,

As Lisa suggested, please try and get yourself on the Freedom Programme – I was still in denial when I attended, but as we start to understand the behaviours and when we are willing to accept the truth of what is/has happened, it is fantastic knowledge to refer back to. I will soon be starting an ‘Own your life’ course which I am really looking forward to.

I like you am struggling with lack of communication with the police and where I felt I was being supported by them, I suddenly feel let down by them. However, through Victim Support I was given an advocate who is absolutely fantastic and I have regular contact with her and she does not hesitate with stepping in with the police on my behalf. So if you haven’t been in contact with Victim Support, I would recommend that you do. If anything, it is being able to talk to someone who completely understands, who makes you feel justified in your feelings and everything going around in your head. It really does help bring peace of mind.

I am sorry to hear of what you are going through, sending you lots of love and strength and please stay strong. xx

[Author]

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