So Emotionally Exhausted: My Story

[Grenache]

Hi,

(Sorry this is going to be long) New to this forum but I feel like I can relate to a lot of the posts. Just want to share my story. I got married (removed by moderator) years ago. I moved to a new city for his job, (removed by moderator). I started to feel isolated a while ago but I think it took me a while to realize how it affected me. I’m really not sure if he was trying to isolate me, to be fair he might not have but that’s what happened and any loving partner should be considerate about that. He was the only one making money so far because we agreed it would be ok for me to focus on my last year of (removed by moderator), and not work and he made enough to support us very comfortably. But about (removed by moderator), months ago, he started to get really, really mean when we argued. He would say that I don’t live here because I’m not paying for anything (I had some savings and I was at least paying my phone bill and food here and there and things for the house). I had a job i liked before I moved, I quit for him. Anything I complained about, he thought I have no right to because I’m not paying half the rent. It kept getting worse over time, he said he wanted to be detached from me, I don’t cook and clean enough (while I was eating breakfast I had just made, when I pointed this out, he yelled that he didn’t want that (removed by moderator), and it was bland), when I was crying like crazy once, he said he hoped I would give myself a heart attack and die, f*cking b*tch, called me a weasel. I tried cleaning and cooking more but he would just keep getting angrier and angrier. Called me d*****s, idiot r****d etc from time to time, if I was angry he would say “you’re making me uncomfortable in MY house”. Said he has no reason to stay married to me, showed some remorse the first time he said something really hurtful but didn’t feel bad at all the times we fought after. It was easy for him to fall asleep after like nothing happened. Also he would always basically tell me the things I wanted to talk about weren’t important but did it subtly I think – he would say “I’m not interested in that, I’m interested in practical things, things that will help us”.

Also, at the beginning of our marriage when we moved in we were smoking weed together everyday. Since I had (removed by moderator), I was begging him to stop bringing it into the house and we could quit together and it would be healthier for both of us. (Removed by moderator) He refused for (removed by moderator), months, saying he wants to smoke and I have to deal with it (fine, I should have tried to have more self control but if the tables were turned and I was smoking in front of him, I know he wouldn’t be able to resist). He said he would only quit when he got a better job which he was working towards and could concentrate. But my (removed by moderator), isn’t important enough for him to help me and make some small sacrifices. He got his new job, exactly what he wanted for a long time. He quit weed and a couple weeks later, quit smoking cigarettes too (one thing I have noticed is that him getting angrier and angrier has been going steadily up and up. I have tried and tried to find some patten to it, like stress over looking for the new job, if it went down after he got the job of his dreams, if it got worse after quitting smoking or better after he had quit for a while but nothing seems to affect his anger, it’s just steadily getting worse). I feel this was very selfish of him.

Then the night that made me leave (removed by moderator),  ago and i haven’t gone back – (removed by moderator), I drank with them the night before and smoked weed with them the same day he picked me up. He was driving like a maniac, going way too fast and swerving. I was scared and I asked him why he was in such a bad mood and told him to slow down several times. He said “what? I’m just having fun” in a voice that was too calm, it scared me more than the driving. There was clear anger in his driving. When we got home, I was saying I liked spending time away with my girlfriends, it felt healthy and good and I feel isolated and we need to spend more time with other people. Then fight started when he said he didn’t like the “influence” they were having on me after spending a lot of time with them on the weekend. Started calling them trash, I got angry and told him not to insult my family. (Detail removed by moderator).   My voice was getting loud but still not yelling – i was angry that he couldn’t understand that it is wrong to talk badly about my family but never insulted him or swore. He told me to “shut the f**k up” because the neighbours would hear and that he would break my laptop. I said no, stop insulting me and my family. He raised his fist at me and was looking at me with a scary look on his face as if about to hit me while saying shut up. I said no I won’t and he smashed the remote against the wall. He then pushed my laptop on the ground. He acted like nothing happened after too. Now, (removed by moderator), later he followed through with one of his threats. (Removed by moderator) It’s also clear to me that he follows through with his threats and isn’t raising a fist at me a threat?

He came to visit during another family event and everyone was running around the house, getting ready and I was having fun with them. Instead of talking to people, he stood in a corner near me. I didn’t want to stop having fun and I couldn’t understand why he couldn’t just join in. He was acting so sour. So I was talking to my cousins and he left without telling me or anyone. Later he told his family I was ignoring him. It was embarrassing too, having to explain why he left.

Recently we went to see a religious mediator, first separately then together. I had written down a lot of what he said and showed it to the mediator and told him he raised a fist at me. He said it was obviously unacceptable but he said I should move back in. I said I don’t want to as I have not seen any effort from him to change at all and I have to think about it. (Detail removed by moderator).  I didn’t move back in. (Detail removed by moderator).   He is trying to get the mediator to force/guilt me into moving back with him. The mediator emailed back to say he is disappointed I didn’t move back and if we decide to divorce, God wouldn’t be happy. I feel it was a HUGE mistake going to him. He seems to be irresponsible as a mediator. Wouldn’t God be unhappy at the actions of my husband? He is not making any effort to prove he changed. The whole time I moved out, he kept saying “why do we have to speak to someone? can’t you just come back?” As if I can just let go of what happened. Any normal person would be at my door begging for forgiveness, right? I had to pull an apology out of him after he almost hit me.I had moved out before and back and I feel he had enough chances to show he cared and is willing to change.

So, thoughts? I am really hurt by the perspective the mediator took. I don’t think it is fair at all. Just need to be strong for the mess that is going to come but I know I want out. I have one life and I don’t want it to be miserable. I’m excited to hear from someone on here and thank you for reading 🙂

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Hello there. I completely understand your story because it’s very similar to mine. We moved to the countryside because it would be ‘romantic’ but it was a clear attempt to move me far from anyone I knew. My family and friends were not allowed to visit me there and they were not allowed to know my address. When he realised he was successful with his cunning plan he then tried to move me across to the other side of the country and that’s when I really woke up to what I had married I had to get out before it was too late my life depended on it!

It sounds like you come from an ethnic minority background and I do too but cannot identify which one on here for obvious reasons. But what I can say is that a friend of mine recently has had her divorce granted through someone very similar like the mediator you refer to. She told me the mediator that she had told her that her husband wanted to try and she was the uncooperative one! It wasn’t an abusive relationship or anything but what she did was get rid of that meditator she start with another one and now her divorce has finally come through! I would recommend that you talk to your family and you see if you can change your mediator now as she had to pay twice because this mediator didn’t behave like this from the beginning. God would never judge you especially being in a relationship like this the mediator is not educated or intelligent enough to realise what your husband is doing he’s just trying to prevent a divorce but that’s not his decision to make and if someone wants to divorce they should be left to do it! That’s why I love the fact that I married in English law too because I started the divorce and there is nothing he can do and the law will not force me to be with someone if I don’t want to. Sounds like your husband is trying everything he can to stop this from happening and he will tell all kinds of lies about you I have to warn you. He knows what divorce means when he’s the party at fault and it isn’t looking pretty for him so he will try everything he can to stop this from happening. Our communities are very close knit and he knows once that divorce comes through he’s stuffed! It will be very difficult for him to remarry after the truth comes out so be careful he will try anything he can to save his own arse.

If you have a good relationship with your family be honest with them and tell them how you feel. My family was a huge support to me because it’s difficult getting married in our communities but then having to remarry means you are starting from scratch! My parents never told me what decision to make they kept saying see how he behaves with you and base your decision on that. I know I was not responsible for the failure of my marriage so I am no afraid of divorce I think it gives me even ,ore strength, character and integrity and it means I will be fussy next time round and not compromise on important things for the sake of love it did me no favours first time round! Don’t worry about what people think our communities really do not care about idle gossip they don’t see divorce as such a huge issue anymore you have to think about your life and what’s right for you. I was told by someone very wise that a life of unhappiness is a long life but a life of happiness is a short life and it’s true! Get rid of this mediator and get a new one.

Be careful anoint who to trust in your family if they are related to him! I’ve had mutual friends brand me a liar, try and get me to go back to him, continue to talk to him side with him tell me they don’t talk to him or trust him but continue to do so and try and get things out about me and my life! Do not trust anyone please! Talk to us pick up use phone and the helpline. I hope I’ve helped you can private message me anytime you want I can assure you that you are doing the right thing. I’m towards the end of getting everything ready for my divorce I’ve had ups and downs but I can see my future now end since I left him it’s been so fulfilling and you will too have the same experience. A leopard never changes its spots. Be brave xxxx

[Grenache]

Thank you! It’s nice to hear from someone who can understand on a deeper level. I can’t believe your friends and family weren’t allowed to know your address! 😮
My aunt is luckily 100% on my side since I’ve been very close to them my whole life and my husband and his family lived in a different country until a while ago. She is really angry with him.

I’m glad you’re doing better! You can message me anytime you want as well. I hope I’m in a place where I’m free and just supporting other women soon.

[Lisa]

Hi Grenache,

Thank you for your post and welcome to the forum. I’m very sorry to read what you have been through. You have explained significant domestic abuse and it is understandable that you are completely emotionally exhausted.
The mediator you saw gave you very unsafe advice and I am pleased that you listened to your instinct instead.
If you did return you would be at increased risk and the cycle of abuse would continue.

You sound like you are coping really well, please ensure you get as much support as you can. You can call the 24 hour National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247 at any time and you could also seek ongoing support from your local domestic abuse service; you can find the details here.

Keep Posting,

Lisa

[Jennaflorrie]

I have a religious background too and stayed with H for so long…because my dad and other well meaning people thought it was the right thing to do. My H had hit me, kicked me, slapped me….thrown things….and yet…I was meant to stay and pray.

God actually helped me to get out the first time..and I stupidly went back…when I left the last time…my brother actually told me I should go back to my husband!

People outside your relationship can never really understand what it is like…the push, the pull…the ups and the downs. They think we like the drama. But its a sinister web that is woven around us and so difficult to escape it..but thankfully, you have made your way forward and the door is open and you have taken a good route.

I wish you every happiness. The mediator you went to see…has absolutely NO idea what he is dealing with. God bless you. x

[Grenache]

Thank you Jennaflorie for the reassurance, I really feel the mediator is wrong but can’t help feeling guilty because of what he says. I hope you are ok, I can’t even imagine your situation. Are you still with him?

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Hi both. That’s ok not a problem. I completely get all the stuff you talk about. It gets better honestly you have your days dipping in and out but the end goal is great. I am struggling a little know I keep having set backs which are out of my control but I have to keep saying carry on you can do this keep rising time and time again. You have to keep going you will find something inside you which automatically kicks in and tells you to keep fighting. Your relationship is your relationship only you know how bad it is.

Jennaflora are you out now? I had isolation to the max it was horrid. But, I’m out of it now just got to keep moving forward. Every day is a new day every moment is a new beginning you have to look forward as much as you can. I’m glad your aunt is with you now and JF I am really sorry you were told to go back that really cannot have been easy. I feel looked after by you both thank you xxxx

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