So frightened I will loose my bottle

[paperdoll21]

So I have finally decided to get out…… I have wanted it for a long time to be honest but it simply wasn’t feasible. He won’t contribute to the mortgage and would happily let it default (which would naturally be my fault) and I cannot afford rent and mortgage. he refuses to sell and I couldn’t go into refuge because of work (I love my job and I am not about to give it up)

I started seeing someone else, not something I am overly proud off, but I had been trying to split from my ex for around (detail removed by Moderator) months, he just refused to listen, telling me to stop being stupid and of course we are together. I never intended to get involved in another relationship, but it just happened….. I think I forgot how it felt to be appreciated and not seen as a meal ticket and emotional and physical punchbag.

My ex has also left me in debt after refusing to work and spending money at ridiculous rate for around 6 months, putting up to £500 in a fruit machine 3 or 4 times a week (all savings are now gone and I ran up credit cards trying to pay off unpaid utility bills and to put food on the table)

So I have decided to leave, and move in with my new partner…… it is a bit sooner than either of us really wanted, but I have to get out of this situation. I know it is the right thing to do even though I am anxious…… I spent (detail removed by Moderator) years with my ex, it was a big part of my life. Everytime I have tried to tell my ex it is over he either dismisses me as stupid, threatens suicide or threatens to burn the house down (I have told him he can keep it, keep the equity and everything in it……… I really don’t care I just need out)

So my plan is to do a flit while he is at work

But I hate it, I hate that I am sneaking around, but I don’t see any other way. and I feel so guilty the dog has just died and he will come home from work to find me and our cats gone (they are all in my name, and I don’t trust him to look after them, plus I couldn’t bear to be separated from them).

But I know I have to do it, because if I don’t he will draw me back in like he has done so many times.

I am just frightened I will loose my bottle

and I am sure the suicide threat will come again, but I will call the police and tell them, then I will cut all contact. I know I need to, but it is so so hard.

[ISOPeace]

paperdoll21 I’m in a similar position, although I’m not seeing anyone. Maybe somebody else on here would have some useful advice on how that affects things.
The advice I’ve had here is to educate myself about abuse and make an exit plan with the help of women’s aid. Reading Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft and Living With the Dominator by Pat Craven has helped me see that the abuse won’t change and will probably get worse.
I don’t know how to keep the courage to follow through with leaving but I’m keen to read what others say.
I’m sure we’ll get there. Stay strong and sending love xxxx

[KIP.]

It’s great that you’re planning to leave but you’re extremely vulnerable and I fear you’re rushing into another relationship without healing from abuse. This new man in your life has been complicit in you cheating on your partner and that’s not a great character trait. Many abuse victims simply jump from one abuser to another because it feels familiar. Women’s aid advise two years to heal before embarking on another relationship and since you’ve been with him for (detail removed by Moderator) years, it’s going to be deep rooted. You’d also be relying on this new man for a roof over your head. Have you spoke to a solicitor about the home? You need to let the mortgage company know. If you can force the sale of the home using the courts before it gets repossessed then you won’t have a bad credit history. Another option is to have your abusive boyfriend removed from the property. Talk to your local women’s aid. It’s normal to feel guilty because you’ve been brainwashed and programmed to feel this. It’s how abusers get us to stay. Fear Obligation and Guilt. The FOG of abuse. The abuser you’re with is not your responsibility and once you leave you may need a third party to communicate over the jointly owned property. Talk to women’s aid and get some free advice from a solicitor (most offer free initial advice). Stay safe x

[paperdoll21]

Hi Kip,

Thank you for your response. I am in touch with both my local women’s aid and a solicitor. As I have spent a great deal of time telling my ex it is over, I do not consider what I did cheating, the fact my ex would dismiss the fact that I did not want to be with him, well that right there is part of the problem, all my feelings and wants have been dismissed as stupid for years.
I understand your point about a new relationship…… in fact I would say the same thing to someone else, but after all these years I just need to give some happiness a go…… and if it doesn’t work out, my house will soon be sold and I will move on.

But thank you for your advice, everyone on here is so caring and I do appreciate it, and while my course of action may not be what people advise, I think at this point anything is worth a try.

Thank you for your reply though, it is appreciated

[KIP.]

I completely understand your response and having been in your shoes I understand how very vulnerable and desperate you are. I’m so glad you’re in touch with women’s aid. Lean on them to keep you safe and take a look at The Freedom Programme. It’s really good at returning some of your self confidence and also showing you what red flags to look for in future relationships. I really hope the new relationship works out for you but you also need to be aware that leaving an abuser is the most dangerous time for a victim and your new partner may well become a target too. I’d stay off all social media and tell very few people where you are moving to. You may not consider it cheating but you can bet your abuser will. Stay safe x

[paperdoll21]

Thank you ISOPeace, I will get out, and soon, I have a plan……. I just need to not loose my bottle. I have told work, family and friends……. basically to give me that added push when I have my inevitable wobble, I dread to think how my dad would react if I didn’t see it through!!

[Author]

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