So frustrated…

[tiredofitall]

Its been a while since I’ve been on here…he left and I’ve been enjoying the peace. I kept waiting to miss him or to question my decision to end things after all these years but honestly, I think I gave it all and we all just feel so much happier without him here. Its taking longer than I thought to get through the sale and purchase of house which means I’m having to hold back on setting stricter boundaries while I need him to co-operate. What bothers me and I have to try and hold it back is how he manipulates everyone around him. Our son hasn’t spoken to him for (detail removed by Moderator) months and he blames me for not trying harder to mend their relationship! On the other hand he lavishes all his attention on our daughter and cries because he can’t see her (even though he is the one who choose to move as far away as he did). He can’tp see how messed up that is. Now he has (detail removed by Moderator) been on the phone to our daughter, with snidy passive aggressive comments, as well as putting me down and when she calls him out on it he hangs up on her and then a few hours later, his (detail removed by Moderator) is phoning her saying she should phone her dad because HE is upset. It drives me mad…HE is the parent. Its not her job to make him feel better yet everything has to revolve around him, how he feels. The emotional manipulation is just so wrong. I just don’t know how to keep navigating all this bull c**p. He made our lives hell for a long time yet he re writes the story so that he is the victim. Forgets the times he had his hands around my throat or was screaming in my face or locked me out of my own house. He only remembers that I have made this decision and how awful his life is going to be without the one person who facilitated his c**p. Someone said to me recently that I let him get away with stuff for too long, that he knew he could do it. That is true, I did but not because I didnt want it to stop. They don’t know what its like to live with someone so aggressive in the way they communicate and so physically intimidating that you dont want to cause a fuss because you know you’ll all be paying for it for days. Anyway, not sure why I came on…only just felt the need to share and talk to people who know what its like. I’ve got loads of support and I’m lucky but they dont get it in the same way that people who live with people like this do.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Tiredofitall

No, and I do think thats hard. Not really knowing what its like despite these supportive people wanting to help does put a space between you and them as you need them to just understand, and I’m sure they want to, but what matters is you have somewhere to come where it is understood, and its not hard to speak, no explaining it all necessary. When things are hard the last thing any of us need is to try to explain its complexity.

Do you have any standard responses to his (detail removed by Moderator) calling on his behalf like that? Its useful to practise some shutdowns so she doesn’t get to speak to you about his dramas and emotional manipulations.

Does she have any idea what he’s done? Would you even want her to know?

So glad you are so far apart now, can you change your phone number and give out an email address to him/his family to manage these things in your time and not in person to person chats? This may give some relief to much of his behaviour and dramas.

Hope you can find some extra barriers to put up against him from easily accessing you all like this.

warmest wishes

ts

[Better-days]

Hi tired of it all I have not been On in a long time either it’s just been a day for me were I needed to know I’m not alone. Well done u on getting out I wish I could so bad it’s my young kids that keep me my oldest is just so she sensitive and worries. We r together and my partner plays a victim everyday says no one loves him and that I’m horrible to him and my son cuddles him all the time and tells him how much he loves him I just tell him and tell him he’s pathetic. I’m stronger that way now than ever and he knows which is worse for me but I actually can’t be nice to him it turns my stomach. Stay strong you are where u need to be big hugs 🤗

[tiredofitall]

@ts, thank you for understanding. You are right, not having to explain the nuances helps and people give great advice but they don’t understand the life you’ve lived, how they’ve gotten under your skin and in your head!
His (detail removed by Moderator) doesn’t contact me, he’s brain washed her I think. Our daughter has always just let him use her as his therapist and I think now she is starting to set her own boundaries and he doesn’t like it. I guess we both need to get prepared with some responses for them both. Thank you.
@Better Days, thank you for taking the time to show me some support especially when you are going through a tough time. I’ve been there, so many times. I did wait until my kids were older, in fact they started questioning why we were together when we were clearly so miserable. They couldn’t see that when they were small and innocent though of course, they will always be absorbing the atmosphere and mood. I can’t say I wish I’d left when they were smaller, I did try once but wasn’t strong enough then to stay resolute against all his tricks. I wasn’t ready until now. And I think that time is different for everyone. You stay strong and do whatever you have to, to make those kids feel loved.it does make a difference knowing you are loved unconditionally by at least one parent. x

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