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Hi,
I have been married for a while; our marriage has always been rocky, with its highs and lows, but I have recently (eventually) accepted that it is abusive. I have concluded that if I want to thrive rather than just survive, I have to leave, but that is much easier said than done (especially as some of the abuse has been financial).Part of the problem is that “hurt people hurt people”; my husband was emotionally abused by his mother and taught that coercive control = love. I do feel very sorry for him but I am not prepared to sacrifice myself for him. After my mother’s death, feeling that there is nobody who really loves me as I am is hard.
Apologies for the vent – thanks for providing a safe space for me to express it.
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Hi and welcome, I am so glad you found this site x
I am long term married, my husband had an awful upbringing and used it as an excuse. There is no excuse to abuse another human being, especially your wife. I bet your husband can be really nice too, that’s what keeps us there.
It took me 3 attempts to leave over a few years, eventually there was nothing left of me, financial control, emotional manipulation, intimidated me and others, oh my gosh the list is endless…. they do not change, they make you believe they are a victim and that they are suffering, do not fall for it as all tactics ❤ keep posting
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Hello and welcome, there’s lots of lovely people here who can support you. I used to feel sorry for my ex too, his parents were vile to him and I thought you’ve been hurt, that makes sense, but then it dawned on me one day that hang on, you know better than anyone how awful it feels to be on the receiving end, so surely you’d want to prevent others feeling it not inflict the same.x
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“Hurt people hurt people”
No just No.
I completly understand why you would feel for him and why you would try and excuse his behaviour due to his past but no way is it an excuse at all.
Hurt people do not hurt people.
Nasty selfish rotten people hurt people. We all must take responcibility for our own actions and words we can all choose nasty words and actions but those of us with hearts who care who love choose not to. He can also choose not to but he doesnt.
There are many on here who have been hurt throughout their lives by others through no fault of their own and yet they go on to become incredable resiliant kind women who are on here helping others.
There is no excuse at all sweetie for someone to control and hurt you none at all. A huge well done for seeing it and accepting it thats tough and takes great strength. Now time to move foward learn more, talk more, gain more strength and go live the life you deserve x -
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Having spent some more time here, I am just so impressed by how supportive and non-judgemental you all are. Also, quite relieved to find I am not the only one who still loves their abuser despite everything.
Many thanks.-
Everyone on here has a horrific story to tell some have left their (detail removed by Moderator) some like me are still here but all of us know and get it.
None of us will ever judge.
Life is hard enough. Here we pick eachother up, walk beside eachother and are here should you need.
I really hope you find your way sweetie.
Stay safe xxxx
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Welcome and I am glad you found this site and found strength and courage to leave the Abusive marriage.
So true is the statement “I am not prepared to sacrifice myself for him” so true.
He needs to deal via counselling with his issues with his mother, one cannot do that for him. I waited in vain so I hear you on that.
Waiting and Waiting was my thing .. never ending waiting for something that would not happen.
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