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It’s only been a few days since I got out, and I’ve made it! But I’m feeling guilty, really guilty that I might have gone overboard, gone too far with my exit strategy. He is crying, totally heartbroken, or so I’ve heard from family……. I don’t know what to do now. He never thought I would leave him, but now he’s begging people to talk to me, to meet him just once, and I’m really struggling the temptation.
He still denied of any responsibility of making mine and the kids lives hell. But he’s crying like a baby, and that is a massive thing because he’s a big man who doesn’t believe in men crying……. And begging for anything is another shock to me.I know I shouldn’t but I feel so guilty. Thinking maybe it was all bad as I thought, maybe I’m the one who got things wrong and he is right. My heads telling me he won’t change and to ignore him, but my heart wants to run back to him because he is broken, and I broke him?
I’ve dreamed of getting out for years, but now I think it was a mistake? he’s never apologized for anything sincerely in his life, and now he’s promising me the world…….
I honestly don’t know what to do or what to tink. I’ve read so many forums here about guys being manipulative, emotionally blackmailing and stuff, but I still can’t shake off the feeling that he is generally sorry, he will change now, but on the other hand I feel it’s way way too soon……..
Half of his family are telling him to walk away, the other half are saying try to make it work.
He’s seeing the kids through a family member, he keeps forwarding messages of not wanting. Penny from the joint business we have, but he’s not making any attempt to sort out any kind of rent or child maintenance……. So I’m thinking he’s just pulling on an act? I’m hoping he’ll change, and this was a hood and expired kick up his backside…….. What should I do, ignore him for a while or to meet him -
Hello. What you say and feel is so painfully familiar. This is why it is so so hard to leave abusive relationship because the moment we do, they start crying when we never thought they could. Apologize for everything and promise everything. To get you back in. But it will not last. I know that feeling of guilt but you did the right thing. It would be ideal if you could maintain no contact with him and people who pass messages about him. Or if its not possible to avoid contact with those people, ask them not to talk to you about him. Because of course such messages are disturbing.
When I tried to leave him on a few occassions he would always be crying, saying he would change, showing he is suicidal and that would melt my heart. After he assaulted me and I met him (for that “just once”), he apologized for everything, he looked so in pain, he said he wished he knew how unhappy I was blah blah blah. a few weeks later we were back to normal: not physical but extreme verbal abuse.
What you wrote: “He still denied of any responsibility of making mine and the kids lives hell”. He is not sorry. He is sorry for himself that you left. Shook his world. But he is not sorry for making your life hell. In “why does he do that” there is a chapter about the process of change and can they change. The key things: “Admit fully to his history of psychological, sexual, and physical abusiveness toward any current or past partners who he has abused; Acknowledge that the abuse was wrong unconditionally; Acknowledge that his behavior was a choice, not a loss of control; recognize the effects his abuse has had on you and your children and show empathy for those. etc” there are more requirements. but basically sorry is the easiest thing to say. But it does not mean he is actually sorry for the right reasons.
This reaction is so typical. And you know that. I wish you all the strength in the world now. You have nothing to feel guilty of. You and your kids deserve the peaceful and quiet life.
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Did he worry about all the times you cried in private and felt sick and tired of his treatment of you? Did he even recognise the impact on your children and get upset over it?
It may be he is genuinely upset, it may be an act, he may feel remorse – none of this excuse his past behaviour and treatment of you. This is a time to look after yourself and your children and ignore what others are doing or saying as they have no real idea of the reasons you left and why you need to stay away.
Mine was ‘distraught” too he phoned and texted relatives and even visited some quite far away to beg them all to get me to go home, he cried a lot, he threatened to kill himself, said life wasn’t worth it without me there. He then spent several years continuing the abuse through the court while going through a series of “live in lovers” who one by one walked away from him too. Abusers don’t change but we do. Keep strong. Remember why you left xx -
Mine cried for weeks after I left. After years of yelling at me when I cried that it was emotional blackmail and I was just doing it to manipulate him.
It was an insight into the way he saw crying as it turns out. As a matter of fact my crying was around 20% exhaustion and pain from having a chronic illness and 80% because my partner was regularly abusing me. But when he turned the waterworks on it was absolutely what he accused me of. Attempted emotional blackmail. Don’t fall for it. Nothing will change, it may well get worse because you had the audacity to try and leave, and it will be harder to get out again than it was this time.
Ask your friends not to pass on any messages or information on how he is doing to you. Contact by proxy is not as difficult as direct contact usually, but it still hinders our recovery.
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Please don’t carry his guilt for him because it means he won’t. They are oscar winning actors. I caught mine going from crying to smirking in an instant when he got his own way. He’s had chance after chance just to behave in a normal decent acceptable way x it’s not going to happen now x read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven x
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I’m do upset and angry, I feel like calling him and shouting every dirty name and cursing him until I’m blue in the face.
He made the kids cry. The oldest 2 came home in tears, so upset and distraught because of the things he said to them. Like nothing was his fault, he tried his best. He was perfectly happy, it’s all on me. I’ve been lying and manipulating everything to the kids. I’ve broken our home. I’ve put lies into their head and none of the things they have even seen and heard themselves is true. I’m too sensitive, I’m a liar, I cause problems, I am the problem, and despite his attempts I am the one who hasn’t tried saving the marriage and now I’ve made the kids against him, filled their heads up with lies and fictional stories so I wouldn’t feel bad about leaving him….I can’t believe him. I can’t believe I felt sorry for him and guilty…… I can’t believe he’s made his children cry when he’s the one who’s been begging and crying to see them for days. My eldest said to me that you are not going back to him ever. He has said so much c**p about you and blamed you for everything.
He is still not leaving (Detail removed by Moderator). Or giving any kind of money out for the kids.
I don’t know what to do, my mind is mush
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This is child abuse. Keep a journal of these kind of incidents. He only wants to see the kids as a way to continue abusing you. It’s awful and I’ve been through it. The only way to stop it is for you all to have zero contact. Have you spoken to a solicitor? Let someone else deal with him because you will never get through to him. And remember the pain and hurt you feel at the moment. No experience is wasted if you learn from it. Your local women’s aid might be able to support you through this. I wish I could fast forward this horrific part for you, onto a peaceful abuse free life. It’s possible, you just need to grab all the help offered x
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It’s hard, but keep focussed on keeping yourself and your children safe.
In my opinion their dad is emotionally abusing them by his conversations with them, it’s a familiar tactic and very destructive.
KIP is right – keep a log of things.
Let the children’s schools know too – they may seem sad or cross or angry in school and it’s best that teachers know – and best coming from you not him.
If you haven’t sought legal advice yet then it would be a good time to start. My local DA team were able to recommend solicitors with DA experience might be worth asking? Use the free 30 session most solicitors offer and also rights of women (not used them personally but often mentioned on here).
Your mushy mind will slowly improve but while it is feeling a bit under par keep notes, write lists use anything you can to keep focus on the things you need to do – even if it’s only remembering to put the bins out and buy bread and milk!
You’ll get there – you don’t think so but you will x*x -
He said to the kids that there was no need to make a big drama and get the police and that involved because I have never hit you, or your mum. So basically is so small minded that only physical abuse is serious for him, and nothing else. I suppose I thought the same too until a few months ago……… But that’s why he is so angry, because I got the police involved.
He’s also angry about me taking some furniture from the house, (Detail removed by Moderator) but that’s it. And even then I forwarded a message to him that because it’s marital assets he’ll be getting some stuff back. But obviously it doesn’t take a great deal for an abuser to play the victim card or get angry……..
To everyone else he’s acting all broken hearted and distraught. And when he had the chance to see his kids and show those emotions he ruined it, and any other chance to meet them again. -
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(Detail removed by moderator) and I stupidly picked up because I wanted to ask why he did what he did with the kids, and to tell him that they don’t want to see him again. He did the waterworks broken hearted card first but then he turned vicious within minutes, calling me a liar and manipulator, saying I’m too sensitive and that he’s the 1 who’s had it tough living with me, he’s the victim who’s lost everything because of me. And that he had been warned over and over again to leave me but he had taken the abuse that I had given him over the course of our marriage for the sake of the kids. He’s the 1 who’s been doing the husband and wife duties. He’s the one who’s been suffering and holding the house together. I’m the abuser but I’ve made him out to be a rapist and a murderer. He’s never laid a finger on me so how dare I have called the police. I’ve broken our home and marriage and now I’m going to ruin the kids future……. He denied everything that I told him he had done for me to have left him. I was crying hysterically by the end shaking uncontrollably…… I had to put the phone down in the end because he just started swearing at me……… It took me ages to calm down and stop shaking………
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Oh dear, i am so sorry you had to listen to all of his abuse. I hope you are feeling better today. He sounds just like my ex. Those kind of conversations are too familiar.
I hope you know that you have nothing to feel guilty of. That he will never change because he will never admit how horrible psichological abuse is. He says he has never hit you but it kinda feels like he did not have to. His words has done enough damage and worse.
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