So hard

[Pinkpearl]

I am finally admitting to myself that there are signs of emotional abuse in my relationship. They have been there for years. I realised today that I don’t recognise myself anymore.

I have spent years worrying about what he thinks about me. He would tell me I’m messy so I spent longer cleaning. I cook food the likes to make sure the mood stays good. I panic the children have made too much mess or that I have said the wrong thing. My partner told me I was a useless waste of space. That stuck. He thinks I’m lazy because the house isn’t spotless. I’m on maternity leave. We have 4 young children
It’s hard work and I feel very alone.

I have felt controlled, I have been told off by my partner infront of my kids. I constantly worry about doing or saying the wrong thing.

I want it to stop now. I want to be myself again. Any advice on what I should do next? I am worried about money. I am worried about leaving the children with him. He has lied about where he is when he has taken them out before. This really worries me. I do want the children to see him but I need to know I can trust him. How can I prove that this was/is an emotionally abusive relationship? Will it help me even if I can?

Any experience or ideas welcomed.

[Twisted Sister]

hi Pinkpearl

I am sorry for your situation. It may help to start showing specific people some of his messages and emails, if you have any, evidence of his abuses/controlling behaviour.

Please don’t let his words ‘stick’. They are cruel and meaningless, they are just forms of various abuses upon you, he will do this to the children too. Its often the last thing that women realise is that the children suffer his abuses too. I believed for the longest time that he was a good father, when in fact I knew all along deep inside that I didn’t trust him, and all the signs were there that I couldn’t see, but seemed to take a deeper subconscious note of (and then ignore!). I promoted their relationship with him, supported it even.

You could start by having a consultation with your GP, and they would know where else you could take it further. You could also try your own police DA team, to ask them about what options there are available to you.

Keep a journal safely, and make sure he can’t get onto your phone or other devices that you use for connecting socially. Do you have friends that you can utterly trust with this information? Someone to turn to, and talk with?

You need lots of support, and have a lot to manage with your young ones, and this will often increase the power dynamic in his favour because you will be so busy child wrangling all the time and all he has to do is make a noise after sleep time to wake them up and you’re off again trying to soothe and settle.

Any abuses upon you in front of them, is child abuse. If he speaks to you this way in front of them he’s abusing you all and making it very clear to them where the power and control lies.

Please keep reaching out, and posting here to grow in strength and understanding of how to protect yourselves and move forward from it.

warmest wishes

ts

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