So hard today

[Eve1]

I was out with my daughter today. I really didn’t feel like going. I’m tired as I drove quite a bit yesterday and the effects of the antidepressants make me tired. (I am going back to gp next week).
I’m finding it hard with my daughter at the moment. I’m frustrated because I used to find exercise helped such a lot, walking or swimming, and we did those things together. But I just can’t find much energy and so she doesn’t do them either. The only activity she wants/used to do is too expensive at the moment. She so stubborn and sure she’s right too. I find it exhausting. I feel guilty because she’s having a day at her Dad’s this week and I’ve found myself looking forward to having some time on my own. It doesn’t help not having any spare money.

I try not to beat myself up. We’ve had such happy times over the last few years, being free of him. I know teenage hormones are part of the problem for her, but it’s also connected to having lived with/been subjected to her Dad’s abuse.

Frustrated with me and her at the moment

Eve
x

[Serenity]

My youngest is like that. Quite demanding, wants me to spend money.

Part of that is because his dad buys him nothing…

But he is being a bit high-maintenance at present, turfing me out of bed, demanding x,y,z.

I was thinking that maybe his dad is passing on his own sexist view of women to him…

I should get him to wash the car for pocket money.

I think we are kindly, so we keep on giving….

But that won’t do our kids any favours. I don’t want my kids to treat their partners as my ex treated me. So, I’ve decided I am their parent – not their friend. I hope they can feel close to me, yes- but I’m not going to raise
perpetrators! I want to do my bit of freeing the world from them!

This may involve my kids slamming me at times, which is hard for a natural people-pleaser like me, but I am thinking of my future daughter in laws!

My youngest exhausts me physically, too.

Maybe our kids pick up on our need for validation? Well, we don’t need validation!

I think we both need to teach them how to be sufficient and to increase their awareness of others! Tough love…!

[mixed-up mum]

HI Eve – sent you a PM.

Sorry I didn’t see this last week when you were struggling.

Im sure your daughter is old enough to realise that money is tight at the moment – and you just have to explain that you just cant afford to let her do her chosen activity at the moment.
Tell her you love her so much – and would gladly let her do it if you could.
DONT feel bad -its not saying NO to her – its saying not just now – tell her when you get a job and things are better you can discuss this again.
It does not do kids any favours letting them grow up thinking they can have what they want, when they want, or that they can do whatever they like – sometimes they DO need to know things dont always go their way every time. Its not being bad to them – its just showing them the realities of life Im afraid. 🙁

And please don’t feel guilty about enjoying time on your own – we ALL need that from time to time.
Time to rest, relax and recover…….

It is true – when our kids have grown up in an abusive household we never know if their behaviour is because of what they have seen/heard/learnt, or is it just ‘normal teenage tantrums’…..

Keep talking.

Here for you.

x*x

[Author]

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