3rd August 2021 at 8:26 am #129551skyfishParticipant
After acknowledging, apologising, therapy, reading extensively about emotional parentification, emeshment etc., I have realised the apologies I constantly make to my daughter are getting me nowhere
My daughter is an adult and after my seperation from her father and being completely self sufficient with regard to support since as far as she is concerned, it seems no matter what I say or do it will never be enough
She’s had years of very expensive counselling, who have pointed out it seems it was more my fault(detail removed by moderator) To put this in context, she does’nt speak to him or have any contact
She is an intelligent woman, more so I would say than I am, but has some personality traints that seem to reflect her father’s personality
I am torn by trying for sometime now to accept everything thrown at me because I do realise I should of left him but also I have to forgive myself for this as there were so many reasons/factors as to why which I understand but I guess she doesnt
(Detail removed by moderator) another thing was revealed that apparently (detail removed by moderator) at times that triggers her feelings (detail removed by moderator) I was only telling her (detail removed by moderator) something I was’nt conscious of doing but now realise I do thing interracting with friends etc! I find myself today questioning the way I talk, act etc.,
She is constantly warming to me, being in contact, asking for my support etc, I think we are getting somewhere and then she withdraws, won’t answer my texts (which I keep to a minimum to respect her space etc) and we go for days/ weeks again with no contact
I try not to get upset about this yoyoing but I am starting to realise that this in itself is a kind of abuse – its affecting my mental health but I dont have the strength to tell her outright as I dont want to damage our fragile relationship
She is an only child and we were always so very close, likely too close (according to research I have done into parentification etc?
The latest revelation that the way I talk is enough to set us back has triggered deep feelings of sadness in me and I actually feel angry that again I am back in that place of self loathing and doubt. I have worked so hard to stand on my own 2 feet and be the confident woman I should of always been but there are personality traints that I find so hard to deal with and understand to the extent I am not sure I even like the person I love most in the world (a very familiar feeling but one I have never felt towards her)
Are there any Mums out there who can identify with my situation? Do you have any advice?
3rd August 2021 at 2:10 pm #129564KIP.Participant
Sadly yes I can sympathise with you. You need to get your own oxygen mask on first before you help others and it may be, like I had to do with my son, that you don’t contact her. You back way off and if she continues to abuse you then you will need to ask her not to contact you until she stops the abuse. I love my son and always will but that doesn’t mean I have to accept abuse. After decades from his father I refuse to allow it to happen again.
3rd August 2021 at 9:26 pm #129587LivinginhopeParticipant
Hi, it sounds like you both love each other but have suffered from the trauma of abuse abs this is what’s causing these difficulties in your relationship… neither of you will be too blame. If you can, keep an open door to her and expect little. That way your feelings will be a bit protected but you are still sending the message that you’re her mum and you love her. Try not to focus on what May have been said in counselling, and whether you are doing anything wrong. Listen to what your daughter has to say but just be yourself abs try not to be too hard on yourself. Focus on building up yourself as KIP says. I’m so sorry for what you are going through. My daughter is very small but can be very loving but also very rejecting and unkind. I understand this is her complex reaction to our situation and I’m trying to make sure she knows I love her and I’m here for for her. Don’t give up hope that things can get better.
5th August 2021 at 7:19 am #129646skyfishParticipant
Both your messages are much appreciated and you have given me strength x I have kept a respectful distance but remained present which I will continue to do. But as Kip says I do acknowledge that I need to protect myself – its a fine line and not easy but I will never turn my back on her…being a Mum is the hardest of jobs isnt it?! I just hope we can both reach a point of understanding and peace in the not too distant future as every step forward seems to involve a step or 2 back which is frankly exhausting me! But yes thank you and love to you both x
5th August 2021 at 7:15 pm #129675KIP.Participant
Yes being a mother is so very difficult. Sadly my son learned from his abusive father and boundaries had to be set. He knows he’s welcome in my life but not as my abuser and it’s up to him to accept that. It’s difficult when they’ve witnessed abuse but that does not give them the right to abuse us and sometimes setting and sticking to those boundaries is the wake up they need. Remember we are all responsible for our own actions and that includes your adult daughter. It’s sad when they think they can step into the shoes of the abuser. I think you’re doing the right thing by keeping your distance. Refusing to be abused isn’t turning your back on her, it’s a valuable lesson x
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