So I’m back here

[We can do this]

Hi all, some of you may remember I joined here a few months ago as I had left. I got too hard where I was and I came back. All the promises were there and to be fair he is having counselling, although I think he is doing it for me not him. ( it was a condition of me coming back)
So a (detail removed by moderator), I Met him (detail removed by moderator) as he was out with friends. He had been drinking (detail removed by moderator). We went to somewhere new and suddenly he is being loud, obnoxious and generally making himself known. I was so embarrassed I just said I’m not doing this anymore and walked out. He did follow after apparently glaring at everyone as he left.
I then get a text a number of days later to say (detail removed by moderator), however I didn’t respond in a quick time (I was at work) so he thinks I’m not looking forward to it.
I also got at text after to say he would like me to send him a message (detail removed by moderator) (he means sex topics)

In my heart I know this isn’t normal but does anyone agree?
I nearly didn’t post as I’m embarrassed for going back but I wagered if I could remember my password it was meant to be, so here I am.

Hope you are all keeping well and strong xx

[Twisted Sister]

Hi We Can Do This

I agree with you entirely. Its self-obsessed and shows no empathy or understanding for you.

You’ve no need to be embarrassed here. Everyone understands what you are going through and how hard it is to leave in the first place, let alone not be drawn back in when everything you ever wanted is offered you on a plate (or so it seems), but you do have the sus on him from your words.

They do make it hard to stay strong and have boundless energy for the continual lies and manipulations, but yes, he showed his true colours didn’t he, and you were strong to walk away again at that point. He showed you who he was.

I truly believe you’ve got this.

warmest wishes

ts

[We can do this]

Thank you Twisted sister, hope you are doing OK? Now I have lost the rose tinted lenses I can deal with some of the behaviour a little easier until I am ready. I do consistently doubt myself though as I always feel like it’s me. I did get told the other day that he is doing everything and I’m not trying. I’m trying to stay strong. Because I left and meant it, I do feel like I have a little power at the moment and I’m trying to hold on to that xx

[Bananaboat]

He hooked you back in and now the facade is starting to slip. He sounds exactly like my ex, where the opinion of random strangers in a bar & impressing them far outweighed what I thought/felt. Then it’s followed up with a treat, but it’s not free, it has conditions attached – in your case the texts. Do NOT be embarrassed about going back, so many of us have, doesn’t it take on average 7 times before you go for good? How would you know he was the same and the promise to change was fake unless you went back? Now you know more about abuse you are better equipped to either live with it and know you’re not to blame/crazy or leave again. You got this x

[searchingforhope]

Please do not be embarrassed, it is so hard and far from linear. I’m newly separated and at the moment there a glimmers of doubts there again. He’s not been angry when I expected it and I’m feeling guilty about his accomodation issues and listening to his pleads again that he wants it to work. Like you I’ve been told I haven’t tried or given it a proper go. But them I’m the one giving everything for years.

You are right the rose tinted glasses aren’t there now or not as strong at least. Listen to your gut, it will guide you. It will hopefully guide me too.

Take care. xx

[Anonymous]

Think you just get fed up of it all really , tired of the same games , it grows weary in the end , broken record that’s on repeat . I couldn’t begin to tell you how many times I went back with my ex , boomerang relationship, totally felt I had lost all respect for myself for allowing this person to treat me as he did & yet I kept going back to the same empty promises , worthless apologies. Tried for like a week to be nice or change then the mask slips , back to Mr Jekyll. The problem is I feel you want it to work so much as so much time & emotion has been invested that we just ignore the red flags and excuse the behaviour hoping things get better or change . It takes guts to walk away & to stay in these relationships. No one should feel embarrassed or ashamed for being drawn back in , it’s only because you want to believe them and they are masters at what they do , manipulating us into believing their sugar coated c**p . You are seeing it and that’s the main thing , don’t be hard on yourself we have all been there many times , takes courage to walk away so be proud xx

[Anonymous]

I also noticed you say in your post he texted you about lunch and you didn’t reply quick enough you were at work , so he thinks your not looking forward to the lunch ? Is that the reason or is there control in that ? You not jumping when he commands? Only reason I say this as I had all of this , if I didn’t answer straight away to anything or on time I would receive the wrath of his anger at me not obeying him , control & power ! Think about it xx

[searchingforhope]

He keeps tormenting me for changing settings so now he doesn’t know when I’ve read his messages. Like that is control, I’m not imagining that surely. If I decide to ignore and not reply isn’t that my choice. Normally it isn’t a case of ignoring, normally its a case of a tormenting message with digs and jibes and I’m in a tailspin as to how to reply at all and what other battle would a reply start. As nothing is ever taken up right and as much as I try to be patient and reasonable, it always backfires on me, always twisted back on me. No wonder I’m so anxious and afraid of any communication or contact now. I feel I should tell him that. But them what’s the point, he will probably only dismiss it.

I hope you are doing ok. Sending love x*x

[Bananaboat]

Don’t tell him, he won’t care or even worse he’ll use it against you. Harsh but true. He doesn’t like that you have a life away from him or respect that you might be busy especially at work and can’t reply. As Duchess said, the anxiety is clear in your post and you definitely shouldn’t feel like that about a text, however sadly many of us have been. A lunch, a text, a phone call should be things you enjoy not dread.x

[Anonymous]

You answered it yourself, I did exactly the same , yes that is control , look at how he is making you feel anxious about just answering a text message, that your changing your settings so he doesn’t know when you read them . Yes it is your choice , whether to respond or not , boundaries and respect I would say need to be made clear . He sounds very controlling your not imagining anything, I had all of this and I was timed as to how long I would take to respond to anything and the replies I wrote or said were ridiculed , my conversation was c**p also , it’s all total control , to make you anxious , miserable, don’t let him x

[searchingforhope]

Thank you. i appreciate your reply.

I hope you are all having a good day. x*x

[Hereforhelp]

I totally agree with all of the above responses, non of it is your fault and you have Absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about. I took mine back a few times and same as yours and a lot of women’s on here, his mask slipped each time and the longer he stayed the worse his abuse became.
Don’t believe a word he says, trust your gut all the way ❤

[Author]

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