So it begins

[Catjam]

Had him going at me because I have worked longer hours. I work in a small independent food shop so it’s been crazy. Just one thing after another, then last night I mentioned Facebook. I had seen something on there. Apparently he didn’t know I had it, he did but clearly just an opportunity to get riled. Which he has, all night so at some point expecting him to kick off.
Part of me wants to poke the bear, tell him to go do one but that will result in him destroying my phone or iPad so I can no longer go on Facebook. Facebook isn’t the issue at all. It’s that he is slowly losing control of me. Only slowly but it’s happening. Plus he probably thinks I am talking to strange men on there.
It probably doesn’t help that because of the shop I work in, I can still go out every day while he is locked in. His work haven’t closed yet but probably will by Friday.
I know there are more of you suffering terribly at the hands of these men and my issues seem trivial in comparison but I just needed to vent.
Take care all of you xx

[fizzylem]

Hi Catjam, so good to read you are out working and for longer! But don’t poke the bear no! He doesn’t need poking does he, he will find a way to rear up and growl anyway. Take a knowing inside from the insight you have gleaned and keep it for yourself, and grow this, adding for insights, patetren in his behaviour, labelling what is abuse, yes you are spot on here, agree, his anger comes from losing his grip; but your strength and power comes from knowing and feeling this!

Thanks for working to help the rest of us eat and get what we need; you guys are true heros in my mind x

[Catjam]

Thank you Fizzylem. His work has decided to close. So he sat crying (detail removed by moderator) about money, apparently he won’t get paid 80% at all. I am wrong, the HMRC website and ACAS website are wrong, so he needs my wages to put into his bank to cover the house bills, his (detail removed by moderator) rent and his credit card debt. He is terrified of being on his own, more tears so do I need to go to work? Then it changed to I better not go to work because I am putting myself at risk and he is terrified of losing me.
Not, is there anything I can do to help? Don’t worry about the shopping I can grab bits, I usually shop once a week but haven’t for the last (detail removed by moderator) so we are running low on some things.
He will ring me at work at least once to see what time I am home. I already feel suffocated this is just going to be hell and as he is still winding himself up about (detail removed by moderator) a melt down is inevitable.
It all seems really minor but it is making me so anxious and tearful. Part of me wants to push to see how far he will go to regain control. Head is so messed up

[fizzylem]

Try to ‘observe’ him only, try not to ‘get into’ anything with him. Employ silence and one word answers CJ – make it a game inside your head, see how often you can getaway with it. Will leave you feeling self empowered and in control if can do it and most importantly, feeling like you can breath emotionally.

I wouldn’t hand over your wages, no way. Yes, there is government support. Yes, his credit card debt, his problem, his problem to deal with, not your problem to fix. If you say no he will find a way to work this out for himself.

You’d be better off him leaving wouldnt you, and getting a claim in for single persons housing benefit and council tax relief – gawd you’d be IN A much better place finacially, better off in many other ways too!

If he tries to get out of paying the rent I’d be asking to see his wage slips, rent, then bills and food needs to be paid first before any higher purchase and CC – the law recognises this and protects us here.

If you give him money for the rent, don’t assume he’s paying it, try to find a way of knowing its been paid; maybe try to get him to sign that he owes you in a little record book if it gets to this, would be better than nothing, it could give you a claim in a small claims court if needed eventually.

Stand firm CJ and don’t give into him with money things – try to view it as his problem; not my problem, but I strongly suspect he’s going to have a good go at messing you about here isnt he as rent and bills need to be paid and your lumped in with him, he’s going to manipulate you here isn’t he – so stay one step ahead x

[Catjam]

Thank you. Our (detail removed by moderator) has been in touch and told him he will get paid. He always listens to them. But I will try some of the things you suggest. Thank you again

 

 

 

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Catjam, ive not been on fir a while, so just wanted to say hi. Have you heard of the grey rock method. It’s where you make yourself as boring as possible, one word replies etc. I used it fir about (detail removed by moderator) before I eventually left my oh. As mentioned before, observe rather than engage. He needs reactions to feel justified in his behaviour. I read so much on this subject, I took out the emotional connection we had and thought more of it on a biology/chemistry level/reactions. The less human we make them the ‘easier’ it is to stay until we can leave. Remember we do whatever we have to do to survive this relationship. What’s right fir you might not be for someone else. But what is right is that noone judges on here. Bi làidir mo chàraid (be strong my friend) it takes great strength to remain in a warzone and that is what we do every single day we stay with these men.
Love and strength
IWMB 💞💞

 

[Catjam]

Thank you both. I will try both methods. Had a customer in yesterday who works in the legal system. Says in our area the rates of domestic abuse have already doubled. Quite scary and worrying.
Stay safe xx

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