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Hi.
I’ve posted elsewhere about how my relationship ended-basically, I went to police to report him due assault and he took his own life whilst on bail.
I know I had no choice. I know things would have escalated if I hadn’t got away. I know I was in danger with him. I know he wasn’t ever going to change. And yet…I miss him. I see him everywhere, he’s my 1st and last thought every day. I want him back with me. We had some lovely times and I loved him. Why did it have to be like this?
I know if he hadn’t died I’d probably be back with him now. In danger. Maybe he saved both of us by taking his own life. Or maybe he wanted me to suffer for the rest of my life. Sometimes I’m convinced of one thing, then another.Yesterday was hard. I went with a friend to support her through giving a statement to the polIce. She had got away from her abusive ex but he’s continuing the harassment. The police officer was one who came to my house to tell me my partner had died (Detail removed by Moderator). She asked how I was doing. She was so mattrt of fact about it and I heard myself answering in the same way. Talking about this horrible, unreal thing as if it was just something to work through. I guess it is really…Then I went to a mini festival. I felt guilt that I was out enjoying life when he was gone. I imagined him next to me, enjoying the music and the food. He should have been with me, holding my hand.
I forced myself to stay, to dance to the music and talk to my friends. Told myself I have to live, he’s gone and there’s nothing I can do about that.Today, I’ve slept a lot. Cooked for my day, but haven’t left the house all day. I feel exhausted and shaky. Tearful. Bereft without him.
Such a range of emotions I’m feeling.
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Sending you a huge hug. What you’re feeling is perfectly normal. You’re allowed to grieve for the relationship and the future you should have had. Please know that the man you remember just didn’t exist. I too have fabulous memories. I thought I’d found my soul mate. But that was just a mask he wore. Designed to hook me in. You had no choice but to report him. Your survival depended on it. He took his own life but could just as well have taken yours too. I think going to the police with your friend has triggered your trauma. Bringing back memories and making you exhausted. That’s what trauma does to me. It’s going to take a long time to learn to live with this so meantime please be kind to yourself. As bad as it is at the moment, you can look forward without always looking over your shoulders. It’s also important to accept that we will never get the closure we are looking for so just take baby steps. One day at a time. Get some good counselling. Maybe grief counselling too.
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Hey Poodlepower.
You loved him. And unfortunately he never effectively received help for what he was suffering through, that would have taken a lot of clinical help.
I’ve read all of what you wrote here and have to say my primary concern is for you in your sadness and grief, if not handled you could stay in it. Please seek a grief counseling group or a counselor to work specifically with you in relation to what grief and loss you are going through.
Prayers and hugs lovely ❤
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I think the man I loved didn’t actually exsist. That man wouldn’t call me repulsive names or stand and watch me cry and beg him to stop. He wouldn’t mock my distress or ignore my requests for sleep or food. He wouldn’t lie to me or steal money from me. He did all these things, and worse. He said he loved me, but words are easy. His actions showed he cared only for himself and on occasion he hated me enough to deliberately cause me distress.
The man I miss was an act. His mental Ill health made him that way, but he was also an intelligent man who could have controlled himself if he’d wanted to.Maybe one day I’ll meet someone who genuinely loves me and will let me love him in a healthy , balanced relationship. I miss the good times that he gave me when he chose to, when it was of benefit to him to do so. It was an act, not real. I miss a dream, the nightmare was the reality. It helps to focus on that. His face twisted with hate, his vile insults screamed at me and his use of his physical strength against me. All of that was so unacceptable…no matter how much I thought I loved him, I couldn’t allow one human being to treat another in that way. It’s just wrong.
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