So many mixed emotions

[Escapee]

I need to scream ladies!

I have wrestled with myself all f’ing day! I am so low all I want to do is talk to him but I know that I mustn’t – it’s absolutely the worst thing I can do. I know it’s my brain craving the dopamine of the push-pull and the trauma bond – it is driving me nuts!!
Then there’s the triggers – I’m just learning about these and heavens! it’s like an electric shock that makes the bells toll!
So I try to be positive and think about my future only to realise the b*****d has managed to warp everything. He was also supportive of me doing things but then he’d sabotage it to the point that I stopped wanting to do anything. He has taken everything I love to do away from me and this realisation has made me so angry!

So here I am; caught in this cycle of needing him to make the pain go away but knowing he has pretty much destroyed me.

I would apologise for bringing you down with me but that’s another thing he always made me do – apologise for everything!

Please accept my love instead xx

[KIP.]

After an initial period of euphoria, my emotions went haywire. When I felt safe, my brain then had The headspace to work through the trauma I’d been suppressing. As you begin to heal and work out exactly what has been done to you. There will be very many mixed emotions. Contacting the cause of your distress won’t help long term. I was diagnosed with PTSD so my senses were heightened by anxiety. Loud noises and bright lights were too much for a while. It’s a horrible phase we need to go through to heal. If you can get some good therapy to help you cope and have a safety net in place for when you need it. Abusers make us dependent on them. They push us off a Cliff then rescue us. Mind blowing brain washing. Things will slowly get better. Just be kind to yourself meantime. Write a letter to him but don’t send it. Get it all down in writing, out of your head x

[Escapee]

Oh KIP – I’m actually scared to start writing. I had accepted that the relationship was really abusive but I hadn’t realised just how bad it was. I truly do not know what I can regain of me because he has taken every part of me and made it his to manipulate. Right now I am so scared that I won’t be able to recover because there’s nothing of ‘me’ left.

I’m probably being highly negative as it’s all just dawning on me.

Thank you for sharing your experience; did it take a very long time before you started to heal?
Xx

[HopeLifeJoy]

Yes it’s a lot to go through all at once. You’re doing really well.
Your awareness and knowledge of what is happening in your brain will help you the most to get passed this. Let the rational side of your brain lead the way and you’ll break through this.
Also be gentle with yourself because on top of trauma bonding you are going through the classical stages of grief, and grief is mostly lead by the heart, so do write down whatever you feel for him, best to do it on paper so you won’t be tempted to send it to him.

Be gentle to yourself and forgive yourself upfront if you do break the no contact rule. I know I did with my second abuser. I gave myself six months of ‘detoxing’ from him. I gave myself permission to make mistakes and forgave myself upfront. I did contact him once when I got very frightened I needed his protection. I forgave myself for that slip up and returned to honoring my safety measure of No Contact.

Take back every single interest, hobby, contact etc he ever made you give up, claim them back one after the other. This will help you holding on to something when times are difficult.

Sending you lots of love 💕

[Escapee]

Thank you HopeLifeJoy,

I knew this would be hard but it’s really knocked me sideways! I thought I’d immediately start feeling better, sad but better, but it’s like I’m going backwards at the moment.

I normally come across as a strong, confident woman but I’m a shadow of myself at the moment.

I’ve allowed myself a day of slouching for the rest of the day. I’m curled up on the sofa with a hot water bottle.

I’ve been reading self-care and they mention journalling too – does it really help or does it cause triggers?

Xxxx

[HopeLifeJoy]

Oh that must feel good to just curl up, I think I need to do that too a bit more.
Self-care is basically giving yourself the best treatment of what you need right now. If you need to rest then you rest, make yourself comfortable.
Triggers usually come not from dealing with your emotions I found but from outside external happenings. For me anyways.
You don’t ‘have’ to write or journal, you can talk to someone, it is healthy to let it out. Even if it’s just one word, let it out one way or another is certainly healthy.
💕

[Notgoingunder]

And being on here should really help. I just joined this site and today is the first day in a really long time that I haven’t needed to fight back the tears and have that heavy dread and panic of spending life on my own. I actually want to today! I know this may change maybe next week and it may be hard again but like all the other comments take your time, one foot in front of the other and treat yourself like someone you are responsible for helping. This is a trauma and traumas take time to get over

[Escapee]

Thank you notgoingunder.

I went through several awful days but I was super kind to myself and said stuff it! Stay in your PJ’s, don’t bother having a wash if you don’t want, just completely slob. So I did. I was slightly stinky but hey, it was just me 😘.

But I can report that I am now clean again and whilst the old anxiety is still rattling the door, I’m feeling far more positive.

Thank you to all you lovely, lovely women who just keep giving xxxxx

[Author]

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