So mixed up

[Pears2021]

I now have no family or friends. I have no job, thanks to covid. He puts me down a lot, verbally laying into me all day, criticising me, sometimes in a joking way, sometimes not. Even when we were having a nice day, he will bring up arguments we’ve had ages ago, when there’s just no need, making me feel like rubbish. He goes on about how much money he spends on me, so I feel guilty and ungrateful. He said I always look so miserable. And that was me feeling okay that day, up until him saying that. He keeps saying things like are we stopping with all these arguments now, are you going to behave now, like I’m a dog or something.
He’s (detail removed by moderator) phoned me up, shouting and swearing about work. Then said the weather is nice today- what plans do I have? What plans?? Other than job hunting, what else am I supposed to do, with who? So I said nothing and he said I was being f-moody with him again, and then started being nasty about that. I am suffering with severe depression, I’m very stressed out about a number of things that I have no one at all to talk about, and I’m barely eating. It’s taking a lot of my energy just to get up in the morning and wash, never mind faking a smile, etc.
I had an induction for a job. But he said it was too far. I want to go back to being self employed, but he says I wasn’t earning enough money. But I am struggling with references. Then will lay into me about money. I can’t win.
I have only technically been living here for (detail removed by moderator) since I fell out with my family. I was living between my family and his before as I also hated it at home. I can’t go back. So I need to come off benefits. So urgently need work but I’m having no luck. My confidence is so low.
I’m worried about so many things. I can’t talk to him as I feel I won’t be taken seriously. And I don’t really get a chance as I feel like I’m constantly being put down and he’s constantly stomping about. If something goes wrong, big or small, it’s always my fault. I don’t know what to do or where to turn.
After chasing me and harrassing me pretty much the entire relationship, it now seems that I’m a burden and he doesn’t really want me around. Yet when I’ve tried to leave the relationship, I feel I’m getting mixed signals. He is rarely violent now. I’m thinking it’s because he’s got me exactly where he wants me now, so he doesn’t need to use violence. Yet it feels like he couldn’t care less if I just left, yet he will tell me different.
He’s still looking on my phone. I don’t know why. I don’t talk to anyone, my friends, family, online friends, all gone. But I’ve been having people trying to contact me about work. He’s been reading those messages, sometimes before I’ve even seen them myself. It annoys me and also puts me on edge.

[Watersprite]

I think you are right – it is abuse and gaslighting. He has conditioned you with violence and sometimes they then stop that but he is using other more psychological forms of abuse now. Sometimes that has even bigger effects it’s more confusing and difficult to leave. Reach out to your GP or local MH services to talk about your mood. Get on touch with women’s aid they will assist you. It doesn’t have to always be like this – support is out there. Keep posting here if safe to do so it’s a supportive place. Always call police in an emergency. Take care x

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