- This topic has 17 replies, 9 voices, and was last updated 2 years, 2 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
I’ve been wondering for a long time now whether I’m experiencing emotional abuse, or if I’m just incredibly sensitive and need to ‘(detail removed by moderator)’ a bit.
I’ve written some notes to try and make sense of it all, I apologise in advance if it seems a little all over the place, and it is pretty long, I’m just trying to get stuff out of my head. I’d really appreciate some opinions on all of this. I just can’t believe I’ve found myself here.
Cycle I’ve noticed – Something triggers him (anything) – Anger – Sulking – Silent treatment – Withdrawing affection – ‘Talking’ (ranting) – totally fine normal lovely – Trigger- Anger – Silent treatment etc…
Calls me abusive if I stand up for myself or my children
Makes atmosphere unpleasant
If I mention things he’s already explored, it makes him angry. If he says it, it’s fine. But if I suggest it all hell breaks loose. When we were (detail removed by moderator). But when I eventually said “lets talk about (detail removed by moderator)” he got really angry and the cycle ensued. Another example is he mentioned he has thought he may have a particular mental health condition. When I brought it up at another time, the cycle started.
Overreacts to many things, gets in a rage, throws stuff or breaks stuff – rarely happens but has happened several times in the time I’ve known him.
While in a sulk, he drove erratically with me and our baby in the car. Pushing his foot on the accelerator unnecessarily. When I asked him (gently and nervously) if he was in a rush to get back, he said “(detail removed by moderator)”. I said “(detail removed by moderator)” So he (detail removed by moderator), I had my hands over my eyes. It was unsettling and scary.
He is sarcastic with my children. Often can’t have a friendly conversation. It has to become a debate.
If we’ve both had little sleep because of the baby, his tiredness is much worse than mine and he sulks etc. I have to paint a false smile on and get on with things.
Gets stressed very easily and takes it out on us.
He believes anger is a natural response to things and there’s nothing wrong in it.
Really big on mental health (he has depression), but doesn’t seem to care much for mine or my children’s mental health i.e. he believes everything should be spoken about, incredibly open about ‘talking’, even if it is hurtful to the other person which it often is. I end up being ranted at mostly and feeling like s**t. I’ve learnt not to talk back because I end up extremely confused. Mostly because he (detail removed by moderator) so the ‘talking’ becomes sidetracked, then I totally lose my frame of thought and give up. I usually end up apologising just to keep the peace.
He is extremely intelligent and articulate. I am intelligent too (don’t get me wrong) but I stumble over my words, especially when under pressure (i.e. in an argument that has usually taken me by surprise and causes great confusion on its own), but he uses words and phrases I’ve never heard of, so I have to ask him what he means all the time. Then when I can’t find the right words, he picks me up on words I’ve used and digresses, which also throws me off course. I don’t know if this is just a way for him to have the upper hand/be controlling or if it’s me being dumb?
Despite all the above, says he wants to make me happy and loves me and wants to fight for us.
Despite all the above, feels terrible guilt for the smallest things (ie not having time to help around the house), yet doesn’t feel guilt for the things that actually hurt me.
Am I over sensitive perhaps? I’m willing to accept that and somehow learn to have a stronger backbone and stick up for myself (can this be learnt?), but I do become an emotional wreck, I can’t seem to cope with the outbursts and horrid atmosphere.
We have had vastly different upbringings. We both (detail removed by moderator) and I have always been a people pleaser because I never want to get into a situation where anyone is mad at me, I was quite a timid child. He was (detail removed by moderator). So I understand that it is learnt behaviour.
When things are good, it can last weeks or even months. He can be the kindest, most generous man (time, money, effort, affection etc). He’s been a wonderful step father and goes above and beyond in such a lot of ways. Outsiders think he’s this wonderful, kind, loving, and thoughtful man, which he really can be. So this makes me question everything. Like have I imagined the bad times? How can one person be so vastly different? Why am I so nervous around him if he’s such a wonderful man?
-
-
-
Hi @Emptyshell7,
I could’ve been the one writing this post. You seem to be describing my experience, so what I would say is… yes, this is abuse. You are not making it up. And especially, if you are in this forum, writing this post… your intuition is telling you this already.
So please take care of yourself and your children <3 -
I’m in this now and they don’t even rage or be physical. But I’m so lost and confused and I’m not even sure what to do. I told them to go in summer but he wanted to work at things blah blah. I’m so over being on egg shells. I emailed a few women’s aid people cos I’m not sure if I am being emotionally abused or if we are just both miserable? But they can only help me if I can get out the house and call them. I don’t think I’m brave enough over the phone. Plus we both work from home a lot. Which adds to the whole cycle. I hope you are OK and can find a way out ❤
-
Thank you so much for your responses. I’m sorry you’re both in the same situation. I’m on eggshells too and I’m so tired of feeling so anxious. I find though, that the longer he’s his ‘normal’ self the more I start to let my guard down, then it turns to s**t out of nowhere and the cycle starts all over again. It really takes me by surprise.
I’m the same in that I can’t really call. I don’t want to talk about it outside of the house because I live in a village where I always see someone I know and I don’t want to be blobbing down the phone. Email is the best option for me but, like you say, they won’t really help over email. And like you, we both WFH. I feel stuck. There’s no help, and I’d given up with this post as no one responded for ages. I honestly feel like I’m going to have to just put up with it. I don’t want to leave. I just want the ‘normal’ him all the time. The ‘him’ I fell in love with.
-
-
Hi I’m in this aswell and the good times are intended to confuse it’s all deliberate . I’m still with mine and Iv been speaking on the phone to my local womens aid for almost a year and it has been a lifeline . I’m not sure why u have been told you can’t get the support unless u leave ? Knowledge is power and it certainly sounds like abuse to me . Iv read living with the dominator by pat craven and why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft ( u can read it online )
I would definitely recommend contacting ur local wa in some way
It’s all about power and control
Take care x -
@plodding I understand that WA would rather we call them on the phone. So I’d need to leave the house, not leave him. I don’t want to talk to someone on the phone while in public. I’d rather do it by my private email. But I’ve now found out I can use their web hat so will try that tomorrow.
-
I really need to work out if he is being emotionally abusive. Because I’m not sure..I feel like sometimes I can exhibit my own toxic behaviours. We are never violent or verbally aggressive to each other. Our problems seem to stem from our physical intimacy. Or the lack of. It all feels OK this morning. He feels all our problems would be solved if we moved back to our home town. But I don’t want to
-
Hi Emptyshell7,
you described my life and relationship dynamic down to a T. My husband is very intelectual, rational and good with words. He always convinces me that I am in the wrong. I recently contacted a women’s aid equivalent in my country and they told me that he is extremely emotionally abusive to me. You already got some brilliant advice above. I also recommend that you contact Women’s Aid and get some reassurance that what is happening to you is not right or normal. You already feel it inside, trust your gut. You are not alone, good luck! -
Hi @disorganised Thanks for your response. I already contacted WA by email and they suggested ringing them (don’t want to do that for reasons outlined above), or looking at this forum. So I came here on their suggestion. I might try their web chat tomorrow.
Yeah I do feel in my gut that it’s abuse but I always wonder if I’m overreacting because there’s always that niggling doubt.
I’m not entirely convinced he’s doing any of this deliberately or if he even realised what he’s doing. I genuinely believe he thinks his reactions to things and the way he behaves is perfectly normal. I always read that these things are about control and being malicious but I don’t think it’s that at all which makes me question the word ‘abuse’ and if I’m just super sensitive 🤷♀️
Anyway, I’ll try WA again tomorrow over we chat. -
-
It’s abuse I could of written this about myself … the being scared to express tiredness was me with my new born x*x
-
I know exactly what you mean by “the look” it’s like a different person arrives. My partner’s mood used to be short lived. I used to have a few things I could try to make him go back to normal. My worry now is this difficult self has become the norm. So angry and mean all the time. The look has been there for far too long.
I don’t really have any advice for you. I just wanted you to know that I am living it too. It’s really not fair is it!
-
-
Hello. I’m a few months further down the line than you, but I can now see that, yes, this type of behaviour is abuse.
I have been seeing a counsellor and she recommended a book called “the Verbally Abusive Relationship “. It described my life completely, and I think it will describe yours. It explains that he is seeking power and control. The arguments, criticisms, silent treatment are all types of abuse.
And I absolutely know what you mean about the look they get in their eyes. It’s like anger, challenge, cold and dangerous. It happened to me this weekend and, even though I recognise it, it still throws me. Mine is also very clever with eords, and I simply cannot think on my feet quick enough.
Keep talking. Talk to friends. A counsellor if you can.
-
Hi Emptyshell
I read your post and I could have written that! He sounds exactly like my ex. Mine suffered from depression (but also drank to escape his own thoughts). He was extremely articulate and was impossible to argue with. He would not back down, and I found I could not argue with him. I ended up feeling small and stupid. He would tell me that I was bad at communicating – turns out I am not, it is just he was the one who was not allowing me my own voice and twisting what ever I said.
What I am trying to say is that it does sound like an abusive relationship. I am out of mine now (took a while!), but from this distance I can see just how controlling and abusive it was. The above advice is great. Learn more about abuse and all the small insidious ways its occurs (so many thing were new to me – I just to think thats how relationships are). The Lundy Bancroft book is fantastic. A real eye opener.
Ask yourself would you want this type of relationship for your daughter/sister/best friend? Are the good times really worth the bad? You are not being overly sensitive. It is your instinct telling you it is not right!
You deserve to live a life without uncertainty. You deserve to live a life where you are not hiding or questioning yourself. You deserve happiness in your life and to not feel like you are just existing.
Keep coming back on here. You are not alone in this.
Sending much love and support. -
Thank you @sunnymayday and @wildandfree When I’m in the crux of it, it really does feel abusive. But when things are lovely again it feels like a distant memory. But that memory is getting more and more real as time goes on. Like my instinct is shouting at me.
I’ve downloaded the Lundy Bancroft book to my Books app on my phone but the writing is so tiny for some reason and I can’t make it bigger. Really weird and annoying as I don’t want to buy the actual book and have that lying around the house. I’d love to read it though, just not sure how. Maybe I should buy myself a Kindle or something.
Regarding the look. I find it really chilling. Luckily things were fine yesterday and my spidey senses were worrying for nothing. I find myself on high alert like that so often.
I know I should probably leave him. But when things are good I feel really lucky. I’ve essentially got everything I always wanted. Going from a single parent in a pokey flat to living in a lovely house in the country with not much to ask for (except a gentle partner I feel comfortable around…)
The thought of going back to a horrible area in a tiny flat kind of feels worse? I don’t know. I feel like maybe I just need to be stronger and show him I won’t take any of his s**t, and not let it bother me so much. Then perhaps he’ll back down 🤷♀️ probably not though, eh?
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
