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    • #13531
      Starmoon
      Participant

      First of all ladies thank you so much for your lovely comments on my previous post. I will reply on there shortly.

      Has anyone been as pathetic as me? I can’t make sense of the memories and reasons why he left this last time but I know that because of what I’m going threw I could not face the thought of going threw it alone. (I did not go threw with the termination today).
      On the day he went I sat on the floor and begged him not to go. He told me I was pathetica and he hated me. He’d lost all respect for me but is it any wonder. I’ve non for myself. I pleaded and begged him not to leave me to go threw it all alone and then when he had left me I pleaded and begged his mum to get him to come back and support me. I’m so utterly pathetic but I couldn’t cope with the thought that I was responsible for him leaving me during a time I needed him most.

    • #13532
      Serenity
      Participant

      Oh yes, Starmoon.

      He had me being so terrified and dependent, when he used to do any of his (repeated) abandonments, I was a quivering and shaking mess, begging and pleading with him to return. I used to phone him, crying for him to forgive me ( I don’t know what for), desperate for him to return, even though he had been ghastly and sadistic.

      A turning point came when my sister called during one of these abandonments. I hadn’t told anyone about how he would habitually walk out or how cruel he was at home. After all, he had me believe I deserved it. But on this occasion, she rang in the midst of it. I answered the phone in a state, thinking it was him.

      She asked me what was going on, and I found myself telling her. She asked what I normally did when he walked out, and I told her I used to beg. She was appalled, telling me I must never beg again!

      From that moment, I decided never to beg. That night even, I went to bed with a cup of tea. He returned,came into the room, staring in disbelief at how I wasn’t begging.

      I think from that moment, he decided he was going to punish me by leaving me properly- or staging a big walk out- which he did, to punish me. And I won’t pretend it wasn’t terrible for me. But now I realise, I am free. I was trapped in a horrible relationship with a man who got his kicks from seeing me distressed and begging. That isn’t love. That is the opposite of love. How free I am.

      • #13561
        godschild
        Participant

        Hi starmoon, so good to hear from you, I was thinking about you all day yesterday and wondering how you were.
        You are not pathetic at all and not responsible for him leaving. For a Man to leave you when you are pregnant and already got two children and leave you to go through this alone is pathetic and cruel andhis mom is no better.
        None of this is your fault and I can fully understand you begging him not to go, that doesn’t make you pathetic at all.
        He is not shouldering responsibility in the pregnancy at all, these abusive men don’t take responsibilty for anyhting they do in anyway, sending you a big hug x

    • #13542
      Malaya
      Participant

      Free….. That word is what keeps me going. Knowing one day I’ll be free of him
      You’re not pathetic Hun, never were, just conditioned. I’ve been reading so much about the abusers and victim roles and the way they manipulate us. They know exactly how to make us the most vulnerable.

      Well done for getting free serenity xx

    • #13585
      Starmoon
      Participant

      I just don’t know how to pick myself up from this any more. All I keep thinking is if I had done things differently he’d still be here

      • #14185
        LemonPie
        Participant

        I’m new to the forum so I’m sorry but I don’t know your back story. I do know however, that it wouldn’t have mattered what you did, an abuser will abuse. End of. My ex would tell me off for doing something the wrong way one day, so the next time I’d do it the way he had told me. Guess what, that was the wrong way now. It’s not about how you do it, it’s about them wanting you to believe you are wrong and incapable. You are neither, try not to take responsibility for his faults xx

    • #13588
      Serenity
      Participant

      But would you want him there, and to have done things differently?

      Would you want to be key silent, and hurting, and I pain, just so he can feel big?

      When you were a little girl, and you had dreams of your future prince, is it what you imagined, a man who would be jealous and want to quash your independent spirit and your joy? Can you imagine being happy, being silenced and being afraid to say how you really feel?

      These are questions I asked myself too.

    • #13592
      Starmoon
      Participant

      I know what you’re saying, it’s what a number of people have said to me over the last year or so. And no, this isn’t the life I imagined for myself when I was a child. But it’s not that black and white any more. I just wish I knew what was rite

    • #13593
      Starmoon
      Participant

      My kids are at my moms so I’m failing as a parent again and all because he’s left me and I can’t work out if I did something to deserve it or not. All I will ever keep thinking is if I’d done something differently he would still be here. And ultimately that means I am to blame. I haven’t got dressed today and I haven’t eaten in three days. I miss my children but I don’t feel I can be what they need when I keep getting everything so wrong

    • #13594
      Serenity
      Participant

      A friend of mine said to me when I was in the same mindset as you, instead of thinking whether you weren’t good enough etc, begin to ask yourself, was he good enough? Whom is he really? What kind of person is he actually?

      Try to think objectively. Our judgement can be clouded by out emotions, such as fear etc.

      The thing is, if he is emotionally abusive, you won’t escape unscathed. You will be badly affected mentally and emotionally if you stay with him.

      I know it’s hard. I’ve been there xxxxx

    • #13595
      Serenity
      Participant

      Healthy Archive,

      You are so right. My marriage was also kept alive mainly by me, if not all by me.

      I mourned my marriage, but in fact I created a lot of the lovely memories, not him! I was the one who booked and organised things and got up at the c***k of dawn to sort a lovely day out, etc. He just threatened to ruin the things I planned!

      We can give our exes too much credit and not enough credit to ourselves. We can assign qualities to out abusers that they don’t actually have, without realising that it’s actually ourselves who have those qualities.

    • #13600
      godschild
      Participant

      Starmoon, You are NOT failing as a Parent, your children are in safe hands with your Mom, you need a little space, you have been though so much and non of it is your fault.
      Don’t worry about not getting dressed, I was like that on and off the beginning of the year, I have no children to cope with mine are grown, but I could barley function some days
      You are NOT getting everything wrong, be kind to yourself for a while xx

    • #13608
      Starmoon
      Participant

      Thank you so so much for your replies again from the bottom of my heart the fact that strangers to me take the time to think of me and say things to help me means everything at the moment and and I don’t know I would do without you all now and over the last year. I truly believed with counseling that me and him would fianlly make it work. I was tentatively putting things in to practice- I genuinely saw another side of my self and though ‘oh why did I react in that way’. One day I was in the bath for less than 10 minutes and he bought the baby up crying and not even making an attempt to settle her. Instead of positively encourage him, I told him he has no patience for anything and all I wanted was half an hour to myself. It’s no wonder that he responded by storming out. I made him feel like a bad father instead of helping him to learn to settle her. I learned from that- I encouraged him and he gained more patience… He seemed to have more tolerance for me.
      I watch my parents bicker and my sister in law snaps at my brother repeatedly. She’s not a bad person or an abuser though. He shrugs it off when she snaps.. They’ve spoken to me and told me she is relentless, she will follow him around the house and shouts but he’s laid back, he will say ok and let her cool off until they are both in the rite frame of mind to talk.
      I keep thinking over and over what if I’d just believe what he was saying to me about this event. And believed he wouldn’t be taking drugs… Should I of just given him the benefit of the doubt and hoped for the best?! If I hadn’t doubted his word and accepted he was going, then we would not have argued. I’m so angry at myself for letting it bother me. It’s just that the last time (and every time before it) he’d have such a come down for weeks that he’d be on the verge of killing himself, he had mood swings and paranoia and he was unhappy. The worst part about it was seeing him unhappy. Even now I could cry at the memory of how sad it made him. I can relate to depression and that’s what it did to him. So when he said he was going- I was angry! But why… Why couldn’t I have just let him go and believed him.. Why was my first reaction to not believe him and to feel let down

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