So scared. Leaving tomorrow.

[arandomname]

Hi everyone,
Things are happening really quickly. Only last week I posted here for the first time. You helped me accept the situation and tell my parents. Now my father will be flying over tonight and tomorrow we will pack and leave the country while he’s at work.
I feel so sad that I keep hyperventilating and shaking. I love him and will miss him so much. I feel so horrible deceiving him like this for the past few days. He keeps talking about our wedding and looking for our own flat. Just last night he said that he’s really looking forward to calling me his wife.
I’m leaving so much behind. Keep doubting myself. Am I doing the right thing?

Any advice on how to deal and also practicaly what I need to do before leaving asap would be appreciated.

[arandomname]

I also wanted to ask a few more questio s if that’s ok.
Is it ok to leave him a letter?
We have an investment account that he won’t give me access to. Half of the money is mine. Should I just forget it?
What do I tell mutual friends? Disappearing on them too but don’t want to destroy their friendships with him by telling them.
Can I tell my boss today/tomorrow or wait until I’m gone? She has been very supportive with my mental health issues but doesn’t know the cause.
Thank you for your help.

[KIP.]

Hey there. What you’re doing is very grave and courageous. Please don’t tell him anything. I think he’s being extra nice to you because he senses you have had enough. Get yourself to a safe place and take some time to recover. At the moment you’re traumatised and your thinking is way off balance so it’s best to be extra cautious and say nothing. For your joint investment I would freeze it directly with the company so that he cannot access it all. My ex emptied our joint account. They try to keep the money as they see it as a means of control and he knows you will need to contact him about this. Or rather he is hoping you will. If it was not a life changing amount I would leave it or if its feasible get a solicitor to,deal,with that on your behalf. Keep,telling yourself you’re doing this to be safe. He has left you no choice and no amount of you loving him is ever going to stop him hurting you. I promise you things will get so much better for you. It just takes time and zero contact. After the way he has behaved you owe him nothing. Wait till your safe before telling your boss and cease contact with any mutual friends you,likely won’t see again. If you feel like contacting them when you’re safe and well you could but I would cut all contact as contact is triggering. Do not defend his behaviour to these mutual friends. He will be lying and blaming you for everything. But in reality it is all his fault. Good luck. Remember deep breaths, mindfulness and give yourself a mantra. Keep your phone fully charged and ring the police right away should he turn up.

[Tiffany]

You are doing amazingly well. So glad you have been able to put an escape plan into action so quickly. It’s the best thing to do (especially with a wedding hurtling towards you), but I know it isn’t easy. Just stay strong until you are away.

I wrote my abuser a letter to break up – we were still living in the same town when I left him, and I wanted to make it chrystal clear that there was no prospect of us getting back together. I was in denial of the abuse at the time and wanted to be fair to him (but also knew I had to get out). Now I would probably just leave and send a text saying it’s over, never contact me again and change my number. Then get someone else to deal with the logistics of breaking up, as my abuser used every contact we had to manipulate me and guilt trip me.

If you can then freeze the account as KIP suggests. Or just lose the money if it isn’t a life-changing amount. I lost around 2/3 of my savings to my abuser, but I have rebuilt, saved up again, and am now in a much better financial situation than I had been when I left.

[arandomname]

Thanks so much for your quick replies, KIP and Tiffany.
I can’t freeze the accounts, I don’t have any access to it. Assuming it’s only in his name. He takes money from me for it by taking it out of the amount he would owe me for rent. So there’s not even any evidence of me giving him money for it… I guess I forget it.
Although legally we are actually already married (for visa purposes), so I suppose in the divorce I might be able to get something back.

A mutual friend has some very important family heirlooms of mine at the moment. I’d like to see if I could get them back today or tomorrow, but obviously worried that they might mention something to him. I could ask them not to say anything and I trust them but would be worried that something might slip out.

I also just made a mistake of telling a friend that I won’t be around probably for an event in a couple of weeks when I was meant to be there. Then asked her to please not tell anyone for now and I will explain soon, but worried that she will freak out that something is wrong and possibly contact him to see if I’m ok.

Planning on calling WA today for any last minute advice, though I am at work today trying to wrap some things up. Hoping that I don’t have an anxiety attack and just act normal.

[arandomname]

I have just written a letter to him in case I’ll want to leave it. As I was writing I realised that I didn’t feel as bad for him anymore, but started feeling angry.
I would like to share it with someone in case there is any way he could use it against me, though I don’t see how he could.

Basically, it states that I’m leaving and calling off the wedding because I haven’t been happy for a long time, that the relationship is making me ill. Then I point out the different types of abuse he has been doing with some examples.
It ends by saying that this behaviour is ILLEGAL and asking him not to contact me so that we can both recover and move forward.

Does this seem like a bad idea to anyone? I don’t want to leave without saying anything, especially since I don’t want him thinking that something has happened to me.

[Anonymous]

really hope all goes well for you tonight and future… please stay safe x*x

[lover of no contact]

I will be thinking and praying for you tomorrow. You can post when you get to safety for support as often as you need with any feelings that arise. We are all here for you and behind you. You won’t be on your own. Some of us have left and felt as you do , and some of us are trying to leave. A relationship will never work with an abuser. The only way is to leave the relationship and end the cycle of abuse. You are stopping the cycle. Tomorrow it will be stopped. Just thinking maybe don’t leave the letter until you are well and truly gone and safe away from him. Just in case. That’s my opinion.

He’s being nice at the moment. Their pattern is nasty/nice, nasty/nice. If they were nasty all the time we would be long gone. Its the nice bits which keep us in the relationship plus the hope that things will be better. But they never will. My ex’s abuse escalated to finally kill my hope and his abuse destroyed the love I had for him. I finally had to face my fear that I could survive on my own without him. Our fear, our hope and our love are the 3 things that keep the cycle going. If we can conquer those we can walk away.

Please don’t feel bad or guilty for leaving when there is a wedding. You can’t marry a man who calls you b***h, c**t, dumb f**k etc and who has pushed and shoved you etc.

He made your wedding not happen with his abusive behaviour. It is totally not your fault. You deserve to live a life free from abuse.

Good luck and stay strong and deep breathe. Once you’re away your fear will subside. Keep repeating the mantra ‘This too will pass’.

[Tiffany]

You are doing so well. I think it is up to you if you want to leave the letter. Sounds like it is totally reasonable in its contents, although I can’t imagine that sending it will actually make any kind of helpful impact on him. It sounds like it’s been helpful to you though. It might be safer to post it rather than leave it though – so you are out of the country before he gets it. I would also consider whether it might be better to text/email the request not to contact you incase you need evidence of harassment – but as you will be in a different country that hopefully won’t be an issue. My abuser almost immediately “lost” the letter in which I told him it was over and I wanted no contact to heal. Literally within hours he was calling me to talk things through. Luckily I had written the letter on my computer, then copied it out by hand for him (insane amount of effort, but I didn’t realize he was abusive at the time) – so when he pretended not to remember what was in the lost letter I just offered to email it to him and refused to engage in a conversation about it.

[arandomname]

Thank you all for your encouragement. I am now in a taxi on the way to the airport. I’ve been hyperventilating and shaking and trying not to cry for the past couple of hours because it is suddenly so real.
I ended up being safe and not leaving the letter.

I had to tell my flatmates becasue they were still home. They were very supportive but I wish they didn’t have to deal with the oncoming aftermath.

I’m trying not to think past today. Otherwise I will probably break down.

Still don’t know how to handle telling him. Maybe just text him and turn my phone off? I know I shouldn’t worry about him, but I am worried that he’s going to take it extremely bad. I’m not sure he realises what he’s been doing and will think I’m massively exaggerating.

He’s just messaging me now as usual, just asking what I’m up to.

I feel like such a loser. I haven’t cried for a few days, probably because of the flight or fight but am fighting it off now.

[dustypink]

Think about yourself, not about what he feels or thinks. He didn’t think what you are feeling when abused you.
I am in similar emotional situation at the moment. Happy that he left, but confused and uncomfortable after his email with all the nice words there.
I understand that I am on the right way, but it needs time to say BYE to all my hopes and dreams how it could be, but never was.
Also feeling like dropped into open sea just alone and not sure were to swim.
As I read this is normal and will be easier later.

[KIP.]

Well done. Please block his number and change yours the first chance you get. It’s time for zero contact until you recover your strength. He is not your responsibility and it’s his fault that you have to take this action. You’ve done the right thing. Big hugs 🤗

[lover of no contact]

Well done. You are doing great. I’m so glad you are away and safe. You will see you have done the right thing. Your mental health was deteriorating badly being with him, it would have got worse. I agree with KIP, block him on your phone. Please don’t read any of his messages or any messages from a third party liked to him. Never underestimate these men. He knows your vulnerabilities. He knows how to press your buttons so you feel guilty and bad. If you read any words of his I will just take you days to move on from the feelings it will stir up. Save your time and energy for your recovery. Strict No Contact from today with him. We are here so keep posting for support.

He won’t be upset that he’s lost you. He’ll be upset he’s lost his emotional punchbag. He can only feel ‘big’ by bringing you down. If he sees he can’t engage you he will divert his time and energy into securing another intimate partner (victim of his toxic ways). But he will try to engage you and have contact with you first as he has spent a lot of time, energy and expense in getting you where he wanted to. So block him on every level. I’d change your number so you don’t even know if and when he contacts you.

[arandomname]

You’re right. I just sent him an email and immediately got 2 replies and a pleading sweet voice message. I’m sobbing in the middle of the airport right now. Oh my god.
He said he won’t defend himself, he’s so sorry, he’ll go to therapy, he’ll do anything to be the man I want him to be.

[KIP.]

Please do not engage. It will only cause pain and confusion. Block everything until you feel stronger. They are oscar winning actors. Mine was begging and pleading and promising to get help all the while cheating and stealing. He gets strength from your pain. Absolute zero contact. Loving him will not change him and will not prevent him from hurting you again and again. Time to look after yourself because he has proved he can’t.

[Author]

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