So so confused….. help

[LaylaR]

I am hoping someone can help. Feeling totally lost
All I want is an objective opinion – is it abuse?

I had a baby – my husband showed very little interest in her or I.
At (detail removed by moderator) he chose to end our marriage – I left and went to stay with family – with the baby
He then started saying I had fled in hysteria
That I was mentally ill
He has shouted this at me, told other people including neighbours and friends
Ultimately escalating welfare concerns to the GP.
He has shouted it at me, refused to accept my answers that I do not feel ill.
Become very aggressive in behaviour when I refused to accept what he was saying about me being ill.

All the while I have loved and cared for my daughter – she is amazing and is my world

He has never once made a positive comment about me as a mum, constantly critisized when coming round to see her (detail removed by moderator)
Told me whilst I was holding her I should consider whether I am actually capable of looking after her.
Now after being separated for a year – he called and texted recently demanding to know when my family have visited – he hates them

He has now sent me a lawyers letter detailing my awful family relationship (I have flawed but very loving and supportive family – I do not recognise this version of reality at all)

I feel lost as I feel like he is creating an alternate reality, states I am ill and he is concern – all the while doing anything he can to increase anxiety, he states he wants to support me financially in mediation sessions all the while withholding CMS and allowing me to pay huge fines he ran up in my name, misspeaks and demeans me in front of my daughter all the while texting me accusing me of doing this. I feel terrified, alone, isolated, angry, frustrated, confused…..

But is this abuse or just an unpleasant person?
I am held to the area he lives (detail removed by moderator), I am under huge financial strain – my mum is having to sell her house to help sustain me and afford legal fees as living here has become so detrimental
My family and friends live 5hrs away, visit as much as they can

I am a shell of who I was, my family and friends think frank abuse but my lawyers say he may just be unpleasant – this confusion has lowered me even further

Does anyone have any advice?

[Eyesopening]

Also, sometimes, the very fact you posted on here, does say something. I mean yes it is a place to come for support and for poeple who understand.. But does it also show, something is wrong here?
xx

[Bananaboat]

Hello I didn’t want to read and run. You’ve had and are still having a rough time with this man and he’s using your child as a tool in his game, which is awful but sadly common. The reason you’re tied to his area has been moderated but I wondered if you could move back to your mum/friends even if it’s a short respite? He’ll kick off whether you stay or move, so for safety I’d move – but maybe check with your solicitor first. Sadly abusers know the buttons to press to get reactions and yours sounds particularly cruel attacking your health and parenting. Stay strong and I hope others here can point you in the right direction for some extra support x

[Apricot]

Hi LaylaR,

I am so sorry that you are going through this. What you describe is absolutely abuse. Saying you are mentally ill and have hysteria is gaslighting. He is trying to control you through your child, and it is horrible. Please read “Why Does he do that?” By Lundy Barncroft to find out more about these types of behaviour. That book is recommended here a lot and for good reason. There is also “Living with the dominator” which forms part of the Freedom program – a course you might want to join.

I don’t know why the solicitor would tell you it may not be abuse – it is. Have you told them that he ran up debts in your name? Have you described the anger and the accusations about your mental health? If he ran up debts in your name – that’s fraud and a crime. Can you speak to the police? Have you contacted the WomensAid online chat? Or your local domestic abuse organisation? They will be able to give you advice and support, they can direct you to family solicitors. You might qualify for legal aid. They can direct you to support with debt management. You might be entitled to benefits, support with housing. There are charities that can give some free legal advice too.

You and your child deserve to be safe and to be supported. Reading how he has treated you has left me feeling so angry. Please keep going, keep seeking out help and keep posting here xx

[Author]

Posts