So tempted to contact him

[Starmoon]

I’m just so tempted to contact him. His family has hassled me so much about seeing the kids (which I’m definitely arranging)… it’s not so much them wanting to see them that’s the problem, it’s that they’ve been saying I’m putting my feelings first. He’s ripped us apart so many times… I’ve just been trying to give us all some stability, them and me! I know him and his family need to see the children but my eldest is hurt by him leaving again. I guess I’m selfish for saying I can’t handle goinng over to his parents house and dropping them off… and it’s so hard as my youngest is clingy. I hate leave her there screaming. All of that is just making me miss him more… I’ve got a hen party weekend to go to and I just wasn’t expecting to be the only single one there… I have anxiety and I’m so low.. I literally have to go and put on a brave face but I just don’t know how to be alone. Maybe I really could’ve been nicer to him and shown him that I loved him more… not complained about money. I just don’t know

[SunshineRainflower]

It’s always so hard to stick to no contact in the beginning, which is why it takes women on average 7 attempts to finally leave an abusive partner. Did you write or type out a list of everything he did? If so do this as soon as possible, then read it whenever you are feeling like you miss him and want to break no contact.

I missed my ex and occasionally still do despite what he did, it’s natural to feel sad and alone after leaving, we have to mourn the relationship we hoped that we would have with them. We have to mourn the person we thought they were, the mask we met at the beginning. But it doesn’t mean we need to get back with them.

Just because you’re single now doesn’t mean you will be forever. By leaving and abuser and sticking to no contact, you allow yourself to heal after which you can start dating again and meet a kind, caring, healthy partner who will treat you properly.

Honestly I found it so so hard at first but I am enjoying my me-time and freedom now, I’m starting to feel like myself again. I did this by going and sticking to no contact. Can you get your friends’ support? My friends have been great and I meet and talk to them much more often now and I too am the only single one. You have the chance to build a much better life now that you’re free of him, it’s hard at first but it honestly gets so much better. 🙂

[Starmoon]

Thank you so much for your reply… I’ve gone back to him so many times and it’s never been my choice for things to be over. Even when he assulted me, it was still him that had ended things. I haven’t written a list because it’s hard to pinpoint what’s abuse and what’s normal… there’s things he’s done that I think are wrong but then are they wrong if anyone in his shoes would do the same. I’m the outsider in this particular group of girls. I’m friends with the bride but even our friendship isn’t as close as it was… she said herself recently that she was worried about me and didn’t know if I should be her bridesmaid anymore because we’ve become so distant. That’s true because I did keep myself away from allot of people when I got back with him… i don’t know why I did- he never asked me to

[SunshineRainflower]

I wasn’t sure what was abuse either at the time, nobody really is as it’s all very confusing. Abusers deliberately confuse us by being nice then nasty in a constantly repeating cycle (look up the cycle of abuse and the power and control wheel in google which explains it further).

How about just writing down all the strange, odd, unpleasant things that have happened, stuff that’s bothered you, including things you’re not sure are abuse or not, then read it back and see what you think?

I wrote down all the odd, strange, unpleasant things my ex did and said. I was so confused about them at the time. For example he made a joke about domestic violence, but then said it was some tv show and that was why he said it. They do things like this all the time to confuse us and keep us from seeing the truth. At first a lot of the things seemed fairly subtle or could be rationalised, but after a while I started to see a disturbing picture, and when I read it to the helpline worker, my outreach worker and later my friends they were all horrified and said he was very abusive in a mostly psychological/emotional way with a few incidents of physical abuse and threats of more. It helped me to see him more clearly so I could no longer be swayed by his manipulation.

It’s natural that you’d be distant from your friends, because abusers tend to take over our lives and damage our other relationships. I found myself changing a lot while I was with my ex and he never directly asked me too make these changes either, they are too crafty for that, but they can subtly influence us by comments, threats, hints and because we want to keep them happy we go along with it without realising we are being manipulated.

Do you have any other friends you could go to for support? I’ve reconnected with some of my old friends, some are more helpful than others, I just focus on who seems to understand the most. They’ve helped me to get through it. Little things like ringing them when I’m super down or going round for tea has really helped. I also made a friend at a support group who I can talk to in more depth about it so I really recommend seeing what’s in your area, it’s incredibly helpful to speak to other women as it makes you feel validated and less alone, it helps you to build in strength and realise that you don’t need a man in your life like that, that you deserve respect, love, kindness and honesty. And while you are building up your network you have always got this forum too 🙂

[EeyoreNoMore]

Trust your gut and don’t be pressured by his family.

Yes, you’re putting yourself and your child first: what of it? He has always put himself first. They are putting his needs above those of your child.

You hold the power here and they hate it. Do what you truly believe is best for YOUR CHILD. If he threatens you with court let him bring it on.

[Nova]

Hi
I would agree with the other posts..it’s tough breaking the trauma bonding..that’s why we go back. The ..what ifs …and smoothing things over, it’s what we can do as a protect mechanism…although the reality is very different.
…multi dimensional sides to our life it’s difficult to sift the bad and good as they’re mixed up together, as you say the confusion..is the mind bender.

You sound like you have a plan and it is to,protect you and your kids from further hurt. The emotions must be difficult to deal with, though essential you stick to your plan

Hugs Cx

[Author]

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