So tense I'm afraid I might snap

[White Rose]

Things are not great at the moment. Having to deal with “virtual” contact with him now for a few months as a means to move towards a required end point. initially it was ok. Not much needed saying just exchange of facts most of which were open to every one not private to us. But we’ve now moved to next level, deeper communication.
It’s awful. Admittedly it’s not as bad as being with him but after so long without him even vaguely in contact with me, its a shock to have every thing back and full on again. I can’t remember the last night I slept for more than 3 or 4 hours, my jaw is so tightly clenched most of the time it aches and so do my teeth, my heart feels as if I’ve run a mile way too fast and I feel so sick I can’t eat much. I’ve been free of all that for a good few months and I liked the change!
He’s trying every trick in the book to avoid doing what he needs to do complete the legalities post divorce, which now includes breaking the law.
I’ve had some really clever gaslighting episodes off him – I know I’m stresseed as I reacted to these by looking back over old messages to check when the incident he referred to happened only for it to dawn on me it wasn’t even real but all part of his plan to wear me down.
He’s shifting goal posts, giving conflicting information and I’m so tired I just want to sleep for a week. I need to be on the ball as he’s twisting everything. He has made some very stupid errors though in his communication, contradicting information he had given previously, telling me both versions are according to an expert, and then trying to back track when I query it. All that does is prove to me he is lying, lying now just as he always has.
I need to get to the end point one way or another but I can’t fathom how I’m going to get there with my sanity (and jaw!) intact. My solicitor is in the background giving advice on wording of responses – helping me but not charging full rates, in fact barely charging anything – and even she’s getting frustrated in disbelief at his arrogance. She’s experienced in abuse and tells me often that she hasn’t met anyone quite as evil as him. My case is discussed in chambers to broaden the expertise and no one can fathom how to beat him. That scares me. He’s being very clever this time nothing too contentious that needs reporting to the police, just constant chipping away at my sanity. I’ve tried polite, I’ve tried bland and boring, and recently resorted to subliminal abuse techniques back at him and aldo added threat of further legal action. No result. He’s still not doing what he is supposed to have done according to the judge’s directions. He’s still got the advantage by virtue of his skills in abuse – he’s got degree level qualifications in emotional and financial abuse skills!
I may need to take him back to court but the thought fills me with absolute dread. I’m sure he’ll win if we do as he’ll con every one, just like he has before.
At the moment I know I am heading down hill emotionally. Black thoughts creeping in and bad feelings that encroach on my rare good moments. People ask if I’m ok, comment I look tired and I’ve not even got the excuse of very jot weather affecting my sleep anymore.
I feel as if I’ve been teleported back a few years, to when I recognised the abuse for what it was, and felt as if I was falling into a deep dark pool. Everything I’ve learned, all my skills at keeping him and his ways at arms length have gone out the window, I’m rapidly losing my coping strategies and I’m cross with myself.
I think I’m ready to throw in the towel and give up. The problem is there’s a legal side to this that needs to happen before it can finally end, and he’s the only one who can carry that out, unless I or solicitor let the “authorities” know he’s knowingly committing fraud. Do I take that risk? He wouldn’t go to jail, just be fined and I’m sure would probably find a way to bill me for that as well as turn his anger on whole family which includes some very vulnerable people.
I’m stuck. Totally. And yet again feel utterly helpless.
A friend keeps saying this will pass, it will all be ok. I trust her but I wish she had a magic wand to fix it now before I lose my mind.
Sorry to be so negative but I’m really fed up and there’s not many people out there who really get it, who really appreciate just how hopeless abuse makes you feel, but I know everyone here does.

[freedomtochoose]

I get it hon. (Detail removed by Moderator) worst years of my life. And in addition the threat of him taking my child away and child and I on the absolute poverty line.

But I managed it. And so will you.
My suggestion – (and I won’t be offended if it doesn’t speak to you)
can you get yourself to a yoga class (?)
I feel it needs to be something physical enough that will pull you back into the present moment and deal with all that cortisol/adrenaline that is raging around your body at the moment, something I know only too well.

If you go to class – ask about the Warrior pose. Which is what some of us have needed to transform ourselves into. I’ve found it helps.

Might also help with sleep. Whatever the physical activity is, throw yourself into it.
all the best
he is the one who has already lost, by his behaviour,
I feel it is a good sign that barrister etc are drawing on extra expertise.
You may be surprised with them to find that at some point they might just tell him to sit down and shut up.
That’s what happened to mine. He as so arrogant he pushed it (Detail removed by Moderator)too far, did not respect them and it backfired on him

Just a matter of time hon, I’m sure
May the Force be with you
ftc
x

[Sunflowersandstars]

This sounds awful, you can’t do anything to control his words/actions, only your own. Take time for yourself regularly- yoga, meditation, reiki, writing, bathing with candles, exercise and music are all things that help me and if I don’t take the time to unwind and do these things I end up tense and on edge. Are you on any prescribed meds? I was always apprehensive but this past week they have been a life saver for me- the heart rate and lack of appetite were out of control and they help to mellow me out and stop me thinking too much without affecting my work etc. I hope it’s all over soon- you are nearly there, hugs.
SaS

[KIP.]

My ex was defrauding and my solicitor did nothing until I made her write to him that if he didn’t settle and it went to court then we would be questioning his fraudulent behaviour in front of the judge. This seemed to work. She can put it in legal jargon but the bottom line is the same x

[White Rose]

Thank you ladies
I am really trying self help and recently started using mindfulness after failing previously and it helps, I walk a lot (often talking through things in my head and occasionally outloud I’m sure) I’d love to do yoga but where I live the only sessions collide with my work or another music based activity I do that is a such positive thing for me I will not give it up for anything. Yoga is in my to do list when I retire but I have looked at warrior pose and that makes sense ftc.
SaS I’ve had meds previously through this long journey and they helped and I have thought of restarting again but I feel I need action in my brain not a numbed mind until it always takes tine to get through that brain fig stage. I’d love a sleeping tablet though.
KIP thanks for grounding me again. It’s a plan we have discussed many times and has been used before. He complies, then starts again. It’s as if he’s one step ahead all the way. So that’s been put on hold again for now. My problem is that his abuse permeates widely. When I’m having to challenge him he starts on others with either emotional abuse (ususlly promises which are then retracted) or gaslighting behaviour. Recently he’s behaved oddly with his grandkids (his ex’s side of family) and they’ve told their parents (my step children) that they don’t want to see him again. The youngest has asked not to be left alone with him even at home when he’s in the sitting room and parents are in kitchen making tea! Their parents obviously understand as they’ve been through it too. Then there’s the impact on my child, a young adult now, but he can still destroy her bubbly happy day by a single text or as he does now casually drop in on her in work. She’s doing well but still fragile and anxiety is really evident at the moment and thats since he’s demanded contact with her again. Her boyfriend knows and deals with it with me.
Maybe I need to be selfish and forget the impact on others but I can’t they’re my family too and I love them and they turn to me when he’s turning it on them so I see the effects.
He needs stopping and I keep thinking maybe the only way is my total surrender, become a yes woman again agree with it all give him what he wants but when I did that before to shift the process forward he came back demanding even more. I think it’s highly unlikely a single lightning strike would take him out but I may need that kind of intervention!
I’m lying on my bed thinking if I can be bothered to make pancakes for breakfast before I have to go to town and buy new shoes. My old pair have holes and cobbler smiled when I asked for their third new soles and told me it was time to put them into retirement! Hate shoe shopping as I’ve got slim feet and it’s often hard to get ones I like that actually stay on my feet. He never goes to town on a weekend so I’m safe. I’d got to the stage where that possible sighting didn’t even bother me that chance meeting or seeing him across the road wasn’t an issue but now I’m back to watching my back all the time and avoiding possibilities of being in his vicinity.
The control they have over us is so all consuming and I’m so frustrated it’s back with me full on again.

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