11th November 2020 at 10:00 pm #116290SymphonyParticipant
This is my first post. I’ve been reading some of your stories and wanted to thank you for sharing them!
I am feeling so thankful because after (detail removed by Moderator) years of something that I only now see was not marriage at all I am now free!
In the last (detail removed by Moderator) years he made constant threats that he would be leaving us… If I didn’t behave as he wanted
Obey his every demand ( as if he was a god needing to be constantly satisfied) and force the children to serve him respectfully.
Then one day after he threatened my son with violence because he stood up for me and himself and “promised” he would be made to regret his “disrespect” as he forced my son (detail removed by Moderator)
My sons wailing broke me
I snapped …..
I told him in tears that since he had so frequently said he could no longer with live with us – that he hated life with us – that perhaps it would be better if he left …..
I couldn’t believe the words that I heard coming out of my mouth and to my surprise he moved out ….spent a (detail removed by Moderator) in a (detail removed by Moderator) expecting me to beg him to return.
But I didn’t …
I told him, crying that I no longer felt safe and I didn’t think it was fair for the children to live in fear of him and that he needed to get help for his uncontrollable anger before he came back.
We agreed to trial separation
He slept in another room for (detail removed by Moderator) whist he made plans …
I paid a deposit on a flat for him
I helped him move and set him up with everything he needed…
He tried to keep coming back demanding to see the boys
Needing more of our belongings and money etc…
After (detail removed by Moderator) months he said he was happier living alone.
I was forced to persue a divorce to protect myself from his constant debts ….
With help I got the keys to the house back.
I’ve remortgaged and paid him off for his share of the house in order to get him to agree to the divorce (even though he never paid anything towards it) and it went through after (detail removed by Moderator) long years……
I was too ashamed to claim divorce on grounds of “unreasonable behaviour”
I was too afraid of him to even try…
Now I’m struggling to keep up the repayments but so very thankful that he had gone without a big fight!
The coercive control took its toll
I was barely functioning enough to see the damage happening to the boys
I feel like I’ve begun to remember who I am at last.
It’s taken me (detail removed by Moderator) years to refuse his calls and not answer the door to him…
But I’m so thankful to be free …
Free to think straight
Free to have friends
Free to breathe
Free to feel safe in my own home and sit in peace and see my child at peace…
What I struggle with now is that I’ve shut it all away –
Can’t hardly remember what it was like – minimised it –
I went to get counselling to give me courage to divorce him against my personal Christian beliefs …
I discovered so much about myself and the abusive family I grew up in and now I see that I accepted his abuse because it was “normal for me”
I have wasted so many years ….
Exposed my children to abuse without realising what was happening….
Feel so very sad that I didn’t get out sooner ….
Now I’ve lost my memories of them as little ones….
Hoping that will come back as I begin to heal.
Hoping that I’ve not damaged my boys beyond repair …..
12th November 2020 at 3:32 am #116304KIP.Participant
Hello and welcome. Well done for breaking free. It’s never too late. Women’s aid are fantastic for resources including the Freedom Programme for you and your children. At least you have shown your boys that abuse is unacceptable and won’t be tolerated. It would be good for you to talk to them about counselling. They may not be ready just now but one day if they struggle they will know there’s help for them. I wanted to divorce for unreasonable behaviour too but I didn’t have the strength either and he ended up divorcing me. He did me a favour as I was just so traumatised so the main thing is you got rid of that parasite. Talk to your mortgage company, some are offering covid breaks and perhaps you could take a payment break or renegotiate payments over a longer term. Once your boys move out you can then downsize if you want to. I ended up with the family home because I think I just needed something familiar to cling on to. You won’t always feel that way. Absolutely zero contact with your ex is how you heal. Contact is toxic and I’d use a third party for contact if you need to. I too have huge memory loss because of the trauma. Dig out old photos and try some mindfulness. The memories both good and bad will come back slowly. The bad memories would smother the good ones so eventually when you come to terms with the bad ones, more good ones come back. Try writing a journal of all the things he did to you and how it made you feel. Read back this post to realise you’re not minimising his abuse. I’m sure your mental health suffered terribly and his behaviour has left you with trauma so there is proof if you need it. We minimise as a coping mechanism and trauma shrinks our headspace, leaving us little head room to work out what’s happening and plan an escape x
12th November 2020 at 1:25 pm #116315SymphonyParticipant
Thank you so much KIP for that useful advise especially about the memory loss…good to know I’m not just loosing my mind.
I’ve started a memory journal but finding the photos too painful to look at just yet….
The zero contact has been so very hard to do.
Even after all this time I still worry about him and how he is coping ….
Feels daft to say that !
14th November 2020 at 9:02 pm #116369vivetParticipant
I’m new to this forum and haven’t commented before.
I just wanted to reassure you that worrying about an ex is normal.
Mine set fire to my house, after promising he would leave me with nothing, and achieved what he wanted and destroyed everything.
Yet I still worry, after several months, that he’s feeling ok.,
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