So what do I do now…………………….

[mixed-up mum]

Just when I thought it could get no worse………………

I’ve just found out through my latest bank statement that he has now stopped paying maintenance all together, the last payment I got for them BOTH (my kids are teenagers) was 18th April, then he halved it on 18th May ( with no warning), 20th June same again, and by July he’d stopped it all together, and I received no payments in July and August, again with no warning.

Why is he doing this – we had been on decent speaking terms until he stopped paying for my daughter without telling me, and then I refused to talk to him after that ( for the first time ever Ive gone 14 weeks no contact!!), why couldn’t he just be decent and inform me of what he was doing and explain why he was doing it. Now he’s done it again, and stopped paying for my son without any warning or explanation again.

It’s little wonder HE can afford to treat my son to meals out – he’s paying nothing towards his keep – I can’t do this anymore, how am I ever going to make ends meet – while he sits there getting off Scot free after all HE DID to me – it’s ME who’s being punished………

I just want someone to put there arms around me, cuddle me and say it’s all going to be OK.

I need someone to take care of me, I just can’t do this on my own.

I need someone to point me in the right direction – offer me support, comfort, and reassurance.

I need someone to encourage me, have faith in me, and believe in me – for I have no faith in myself, I don’t believe in myself, and I have no courage to take control of my life.

The constant pressure of trying to cope with everything on my own gets too much at times, I have to cope with everything life throws at me – and deal with it alone – I have to make choices and decisions and I just don’t know what I’m doing, I haven’t a clue where my life is going.

I need security – I need someone looking after me – or at the very least someone to share the burden of everything.

I feel victimised and harassed by the my local Council – it’s the never-ending filling in forms for benefits, then they say you can have this money, then take away money, no you can’t have that – you owe us this – pay this back, so now this is what you get…….on and on it goes……living on the edge never knowing how much money I will have to live on.

I imagined when I left him that I’d be supported by Women’s Aid for as long as I needed help – that was not the case – I was abandoned at 6mths out and just left to get on with it.

The thing is you don’t just suddenly emerge from an abusive relationship and instantly find your feet and can cope.
I hoped they would help me with forms, making sure I got what I was entitled to (to take financial worries off of my mind, ’til I could stand on my own two feet) – helping me get my confidence back – helping me get used with being a single mam, helping me get over what he did – leave it in the past and go on to be a stronger, independent woman – right now I’m floundering about here – not knowing if I’m going to go under and going to sink to the depths, or swim to shore, and emerge to a new life – there is just so much life flings at me and I just am not strong enough to cope with it all…… life constantly gets on top of me and drags me down.

I just want to feel settled, relaxed and feel in control of my life – like I know where I’m going, and its all going to be OK.

I left him, sure in the knowledge that a better future lay ahead, and yes to a certain extent life is better – but I’m not where I wanted to be, nor expected to be by now.

All I wanted was to have peace of mind, be feeling safe and secure and settled,
I wanted to get a decent job and support my kids, make a decent life for us,
I wanted to feel confident and in control of my life,
I wanted to be going out, having fun, having a social life again.

I just wanted to feel like my new life had begun – and to be honest NONE of the above is true…….and I just don’t know how to help myself – every route I go down for help ends up as a dead end, with the door being slammed in my face and I just don’t know where to go next – I’m running out of options.

I just feel today like its ME who is being punished for leaving HIM. I did nothing wrong – and yet its ME who’s suffering…………………… living on next to no money, living with no confidence, low self-esteem…………

I just feel ashamed of myself, ashamed that I let it go on for so many years – Im disappointed that I let myself be controlled, manipulated and abused by him for the teens of years.

I just got so scared, and had to do what he wanted, and I couldn’t stop him, we just had to live that way – and even now after Ive been away from him for 2 1/2 years, he’s still making me suffer – still making me pay – and I wasn’t the one who did anything wrong…….

Why couldn’t/didn’t I stop him…………

I left him for a better life, and Im just SO downtrodden now, daily life is a struggle – with no happiness, no fun, no enjoyment, no pleasure…….

Im just tired of life – sick of having no money – sick and tired of all the problems, and misery life throws my way, me life is one long disaster – and I just cant see a way out of it all – a way to find true happiness and peace……….

[Peaceful Pig]

Hi mixed up mum, I’m sorry you’re still feeling so down but I don’t think it’s unrealistic to still be recovering. I was in my abusive marriage over 2 decades, completely brainwashed, and have been out a similar length of time to you. I am very definitely still healing, still suffering from anxiety, still going through counselling, dealing with my ex’s horrible treatment of the kids, dealing with the finances and divorce…it just goes on and on. Please don’t be too hard on yourself and expect too much too soon. It’s OK to be thoroughly fed up with it all, it is totally unfair, there is so much loss to bear.
I have tried allsorts to help me cope and heal. It’s a very personal thing though and I think it’s important to do what feels right to you, not what others think is best for us.
I try to take pleasure in all the every day little freedoms, even just stopping and listening to the sounds of the house…peace, children laughing etc.
Other times I just have to accept I feel rubbish and have a cry or scream!
You’ve come a long way and have much to be proud of. Maybe just plan one small step towards something you’ve always wanted to do xx

[Ayanna]

Big hugs!

Abused women are discarded by the helpers. That is our fate.

Call Rights of Women. Maybe they can advise you how to claw the money back from the abuser.

You can do this! Life is extremely hard for a while after getting out.

I am sure a few years later everything will look brighter.

We have to plod along, go with the flow, keep ourselves safe.

Read this about victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.co.uk/2006/07/reality-and-revictimization.html

Do not try to be strong when you cannot. Cry when you feel like to, do not bottle up your feelings.

Go to the park and scream when you are angry.

You are not drowning. You are being baptized with knowledge you did not ask for about an evil so deep it feels as though you will never breath again. But you will. (Alexis McKenzie)

Keep posting here.

We are all here for you.

[Confused123]

Hey HUn

Sending u hug, i totally agree with what peaceful pig has said, recovery is long process and u just have to keep pushing yourself to carry on, simple things like loving myself, help me, seeing my kids in peace and happy helps, dont get me wrong i have days where i struggle with kids too, ive just continously tried to get support wherever avaiable , i think we all need differnet kind of supports just take the help that is relevant to u, if one person has stopped try again and seek help else where. Sadly this maintenance this is just a game they play, my ex too has stop paying maintance

[SaharaD]

Hi Mixed up mum

Sorry that you are struggling and suffering. It is hard to keep on top of things and I have no children! The last DV/DA group I was in the facilitator said that recovery is nowhere near complete in the few years we have been out.

Survivors unfortunately have to have a lot of patience and practice a lot of self care….even if it’s just sitting in the bath. I noticed that you haven’t been posting a lot for a while. There are many women on the forum who are in the same position as you struggling with money and raising the kids after the abusive relationship.

Recovery after been abused for so many years with take a good set of years and you probably will never be the same again.

I agree that you need to report him for not paying maintenance. You can’t be civil or reasonable with abusers. They will just walk all over you and do as they please. If he was under and reported to the CSA child support agency, he wouldn’t be messing about as much because he would be fined every time he missed a payment and they would start garnishing his wages and his bank account! Unless he pretends to be unemployed.

He is a bully and he is bullying you with money and buying the children’s affections. The only way to deal with a bully is to stand up to them.

[Serenity]

Hi Mixed Up Mum,

Sorry you are feeling so down.

It is a long process. Sometimes, it seems ever ending.

Can you do something for you- something that you really enjoy? Maybe you need to get out of your domestic situation for a bit. It can feel overwhelming, especially when battling the things you are. Everyone deserves some time out.

Regarding child maintenance, if he won’t keep his word then you will have to go through the Child Maintenance Service. It is quite swift. They will ensure he gets penalised if he misses a payment.

We are all here to help you X

[mixed-up mum]

Hi and thank you all for your replies.

I just feel in pieces right now – I feel like I’m trying to climb this impossible mountain, I keep trying to climb, but bits keep on breaking off, and then I fall back down to the bottom again.

There’s this voice in my head that keeps saying I can’t do this – I can’t cope – the smallest problems and worries seem to sweep me off of my feet and knock me to the floor – I just can’t cope when things go wrong.

The thing is the break up of a ‘normal’ marriage is hard enough to go through – but for all of us it’s so much worse, we have to cope with what he did while living with him and then still cope with the aftermath and how he continues to treat us and mess with our minds after we leave him……

I never break down and cry, I keep going and keep going, but feels like I’m getting getting nowhere.

I have no dreams, or ambitions, just getting through each day is an achievement in itself.

I just don’t understand how my ex can stop maintenance – he gets on well with his son, they see each other every week, so WHY would he not want to provide for his son.
If we had still been together HE would still be the main wage earner, I made a little to help out, but he would be the one paying most of the bills, he knows I can’t make enough to survive on my own ( I’m not educated, I have no brains), and if it wasn’t for how he treated us I wouldn’t be in this position I’m in now, and I wouldn’t have to try and survive alone.

I don’t go out, I don’t smoke, I don’t drink, I don’t go on holidays, I don’t buy new clothes, or bags or shoes, I don’t get my hair done, I don’t treat myself in any way, every penny I have goes in to paying the bills, buying food.

He regularly does overtime, so he’s making good money and yet he wants to sit there and leave his wife and kids struggling to get by – if he ever cared at all he wouldn’t do that……. 🙁

He just presumes my mam, sister and aunty will help me out with money – he expects THEM to bail me out – I refuse to be a charity case and go begging to them for money THEY shouldn’t be looking after me – HE should be making sure we are OK – we are HIS responsibility NOT THEIRS – should he not still be paying for his son while he’s still at college and not earning any money????

If I was recovered, and healed, and stronger, I could cope with life, I could try and better myself or find another job – but I just can’t face challenges like that yet – getting through each day is enough……..

He didn’t pay maintenance for the whole of the first year after I left him – then we went to mediation got it sorted and for a year and a bit he did pay up but now he’s stopped again – do you think this is just him trying to get my attention and get me to speak to him again?

SHOULD I give him one last chance to pay up, should I ring him or write a note and ask WHY he has stopped paying – or should I go to a lawyer right away???

I just don’t like fighting, rows or conflict, so I always back down and say nothing – give in and let him have his way……

I never wanted it to be like this – for 2 1/2 years I managed to keep it civil – but then that’s cos I was still talking to him – he’d get my attention by asking me there ‘to talk’ and me (to affraid to go against his wishes) just did what he said – so even though I’d left he was still ‘calling the shots’- until now and I went no contact. I refused to speak to him, if he rings up I put my son on.

I don’t know me anymore – I don’t know who I am – I have no dreams no ambititions, no hobbies, no interests, all I ever do is work, do housework, and sit home every evening with my daughter watching TV, I have no life – I can’t afford a life…….

I don’t know how to make a better future for me and the kids, I don’t know how to move on, I don’t know how to be happy…….

Thank you all for taking the time to read my post and to reply to me – it’s good to talk.

Thanks

x*x

[Ayanna]

No. Do not contact him. Send him the legal people straight away.
Hang in there.
Think of this as a war. You will win this war.

Go to the gym, take long walks, … whatever to get rid of the excess stress hormones.
Look after yourself. You can do this. You are a woman.

[mixed-up mum]

Thanks for the messages of support and advice, I’m a bit better today,I’m working, so just have to get on with it, put on a smile and chat away as if everything was OK – folk don’t want to hear my troubles, so just put on a brave face and keep going……

None of my clients have a clue what I went through with him, and am still going through – they have no idea what a mess my personal life is…….

I just don’t know what he thinks he’s playing at, WHY stop payment with no warning and no explanation, couldn’t he just be decent and talk to me, be civil…….

The soft side of me, the nice side of me, says talk to him, give him a chance to explain – but I’ve come this far I’ve done (detail removed by Moderator) no contact and to be honest I really don’t want to see him – I could speak to him on the phone yes but not face to face – he would only intimidate me, so maybe enough is enough – time to get though on him – time it’s was ME who called the shots for a change!!!!!

[mixed-up mum]

My son pushes me to the limit manys a time – but I wouldn’t want him living with his father – I try me best to make him answer and no let him off with everything – but its hard when they’re a teenager and bigger than me!!! But if my son thinks that I nag him too much – hes forgotten what his fathers like to live with!!!! He wouldn’t last a fortnight there!!!!
I know he would be delighted to have our son up there – he’d feel then he’d gotten ‘one up’ on me – and ‘won’ – so I wont give him the satisfaction!!! BUT at the same time he’d soon get fed up with our son not doing a thing about the house and dropping everything at his feet and helping out with nothing – so I don’t know who would get fed up of who first!!!!

My ex hasn’t a clue what hid takes to keep this house going with 3 folk in it – now its just me on me own – and no way can I ever make enough tae support the 3 of us on what I can make myself – its just not possible – its not just food – its the rent, the council tax, the electric, the phone, car licence, tv licence, car insurance, petrol – that’s just all the BASICS o’ life – that you cant get by without – and I cant see tae all of that on the little I make.

I have no treats cos I KNOW I cant afford it – but then HE shows off by taking our son out for a chippy tea and for lunch out – and I cant afford that – so it makes HIM look like such a good father by giving our son all this and ‘spending time’ with him – believe me if he ever got another wife our son would be dropped in a flash – its just cos hes on his own and wants company, that he has our son up – and then he BUYS his loyalty by treating him – when he knows bloomin fine that I canna afford to do that…….

God hes strange all right!!! I just don’t get him – if he has SO great a relationship with our son – WHY would he stop paying for him and know Im struggling to put food on the table – and my son is that bloomin fussy with food – one o these days Im going to turn around and say to my son – you eat what I put down in front o’ you – if your father was paying for you and helping me out then you would get a choice!!!

I went in to town for a food shop with £35 in me purse (removed by moderator) – and that was to do the food shop for the week – just has to be like that ’til I can get me tax credits back and sort out this maintenance………
My daughter wanted shampoo and deodorant – and that alone cost £5 – so I had £30 for food…………then I bought a big box of washing powders and that was £5 – so that left £25 for food…….

Then she wants me tae run her in tae town on Saturday night and then go back and pick her up at the end of the night – I just cant afford the petrol – though she did give me money last time I did it , and I took it too – cars don’t run on fresh air!!!!

My son was up at his fathers to gone (removed by moderator)  the night – he never rang me to say he wouldn’t be home for tea – and I didn’t know if he was coming home or not……
He spent 10 1/2 hours with his father the day – it puts me so mad – for he LIVES here and yet he hardly spends 10 MINUTES with us in the course o a typical day – let alone 10 hours – puts me so mad – but what can I say – he sees no wrong in his father and I canna stop him going up there.

He came home back o’ ten with a (removed by moderator) in his hand – this is my ex bought ME a (removed by moderator) from a (removed by moderator) – well that was just plain DROLL – WHY would he buy ME a (removed by moderator) and send it home with our son if he’s stopped maintenance – why be all nice and friendly like this one minute, and then no give me the money Im DUE!!!????!!!!
Strange behaviour!!!

I know Im well shot of him – and I would NEVER EVER go back – but I just wish I had some confidence to get another job, then life would be easier with more money, and I d be happier if I didn’t have to struggle…….someday maybe……..

[Author]

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