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A very good friend of mine who knows all about my violent ex and how I’ve asked everyone I know not to post anything about me on social media, put a post up about where I was with her on a recent special occasion. She got lots of comments about it and I’m so very angry. My ex knows she’s my best friend for decades. I haven’t said anything to her but we are going away soon and she said she wants it to be a “abuser free zone”. Meaning she doesn’t want me talking about him. It’s made me anxious now because he now knows a new place I go to. Is it time to let go of my fear of him seeing what I’m doing through social media or should I tell her it’s not acceptable?
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It seems that she doesn’t really understand truly what you went through ( unless you’ve been through it, I don’t think one does) and she seems to be of the ‘come on, get over it’ brigade, that thinks you should force yourself to move on.
She sounds like one of my sisters. My sister I don’t think meant any harm and thought she was helping in trying to get me to go back out there and do stuff – but she tried to force this way before I was ready, so that things triggered me. I think my sister thought I shouldn’t let my experience of my ex stop me from doing things, but what they don’t get is that you can’t run before you can walk.
Also, this sister I am talking about tends to not recognise people’s boundaries in general. She is pushy, and when I was at my lowest, was actually quite cruel at times.
Your friend sounds like she is quite a forceful character. But I think she needs to respect that you might have your reasons for wanting your life kept private. If she is anything like my sister, she tends to think that she knows best, and can be quite patronising.
I think your friend needs to respect that you might have very good reason for asking for the things you do. Maybe tell her this, in an assertive manner?
I suppose that you might need to question whether you are able to spend time with this friend right now, because of the stage you are at in your healing. I had to distance my sister for quite a while, for my own self-protection, and I can only cope with her for limited periods even now, as she tends to trigger me if she is around for too long. She thinks she knows what’s best, but she really hasn’t a clue. Plus, she is quite impatient and intolerant of people who are struggling. Not the best person to be around when you are down!
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Dear KIP, i think its a bit of both. I expect your friend put this photo up without really thinking of the implications, the abuse and its history is so much at the forefront of our minds but probably for people who are not directly affected they don’t think about it. She probably loved the photo and was proud to show it off. But from the perspective of us, this sort of thing is horrific. I know for myself, the thought of me being visible to my ex (which therefore has created a link/connection) is really scary. On another level I would view it as good as i’m starting to look better so it would be like i’m sticking two fingers up at him. But its still maintaining a mental connection which is not what we aim for.
It is a difficult one as social media is so great for friendships and sharing special photos & memories. Also i wonder whether its right for you to stay mentally imprisoned and not able to share with your friends nice photos. Is it not an option for your friend to post photo’s but really look at her settings so that your ex doesn’t get wind of them? Also to address the people who are likely to comment, so that gossip doesn’t get back?
The other option is to throw caution to the wind and just let this go. I wonder as you have unfinished business & a degree of discord still going on concerning finances, your ex may not keep his mouth shut should he come across any photos.
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Hi Kip
I am in a similar situation as you. Initially I came off social media for more than a year after receiving abuse and mis -interpretations from my Ex that he would use to wind the kids up with too.
I went back on mainly as a lurker to see what was going on with friends and family that are not close by and only recently have I started liking their pictures.I still never post myself and I have changed all my preferences so that I cannot be tagged in any photo’s without me first approving them. Can your friend block your Ex too if you go out with her regularly and she wants to post photos. I am guessing he can access her profiles and not yours?
I have a love hate relationship with social media and I have never felt comfortable with it since I’ve been back on it but there is a part of me that feels I would miss out on family/friends photos or posts if I did come off and why should I?
A lot of my friends were also joint friends with my Ex but they have, for a while, seen him for what his really is or can be but even as much as they have been fab and supportive of me they still do not understand the impact his words or actions can still have on me and I feel either feeble or neurotic when I try to explain. That’s why these forums are so good.
I am trying to sort out finances with the Ex, very hard given that he expects me after a long marriage and kids to walk away with nothing, so I guess that makes him feel still entitled to send my friends horrible texts. Maybe it will end after everything is finalized, probably not.
Some days I can throw caution to the wind the next day not so much, I think I’m just learning to roll with it a bit better. -
Facebook is so tricky. I have cut all ties with my ex, I think he removed me and blocked me on his FB and I did the same with him and everybody he knows. I know though that he was FB friends with one relative of mine. That relative has (removed by moderator) put a photo on FB which is nice. I wanted to tick like and make a comment as I liked the picture. I didn’t, i’m not 100% sure of FB rules but I think if I had done that & my ex was friends with this relative he would have seen my comment and therefore had access to my FB account. He probably does have access to it anyway, he just needed to look down this relatives friends list. Its a bit chilling & unnerving, knowing that link is still there.
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Hey KIP,
This might sound a bit harsh but I think that as your best friend she should know better. If all other people can respect your clear and simple request for obvious no-brainer reasons, your best friend should lead by example. I’d be well angry.
Is advertising one’s social life and self-image more important than a friend’s safety? Maybe I got her wrong but sorry – not in my book.
Also her comment about the abuser free zone – that must have been hurtful. It sounds like she has good intentions – for you to have a good time and not think about your troubles – but she could be a bit more sensitive to what you need right now.
I don’t want to give unsolicited advice but maybe you can try not to talk about it while you’re with her on this trip and see how it makes you feel. And if you need to get things out, write it all down in your journal. Writing helps me a great deal.
Apple x
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Thanks for all your replies. Yes she is insensitive and I’ve never been big on social media so don’t miss it at all. I don’t post and have asked others not to post for my safety. She thinks I should have moved on. Which I have from him to a huge extent but it is the trauma I find hard to move on from and what’s the point in risking my safety at this stage for a silly post that made her feel good. I will not mention him on our next trip. I know I went on and on in the early stages but apparently that’s a symptom of PTSD.
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Good God…why are you going away on a trip with an insensitive person? Sounds like a nightmare to me. Too much emotional energy, always on alert when she’s got her phone out for a selfie you don’t want to be part of. Walking on eggs shells about not mentioning the DV ever….(really when some of us have symptoms for life!)
Social Media, I’m not afraid of my ex turning up at events where I am. He has received (removed by moderator) from people (acquaintances) that I’ve been out with. He can’t get inside my mind anymore. I’m only afraid of him getting me alone somewhere and physically harming me because he can’t get to me any other way. (probably why I weigh 200lbs and don’t want to lose weight and want to learn self defence classes)
He won’t approach my family or friends because they are likely to attack him verbally or physically.
I never really bombarded my family and friends with much info. I just told a few what he did and I worked and talked out my emotions out in support group, therapy and dv counselling and the Freedom Programme.
Beware you are not there to make her feel good…. That’s not your job as a friend…seeing as she is a little unsupportive why are you friends with her again. My parents are unsupportive so I limit telling them my problems but they are my parents and I can’t leave my sister alone with them. Lol! Also I definitely don’t go on trips with them. I’d rather go alone and I have!
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